Mom to three angels
June 23, 2006
February 1, 2007
April 15, 2011
Born sleeping December 4, 2012
My husband(34) and I(32) will be married for 10 years on April 17, 2014. The following month(May) we will also approach the 10th year of trying to conceive our first child.
My story and our journey through losses starts back when I was diagnosed with PCOS(Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome at the age of 14. When diagnosed, I was told that it would be difficult if not completely impossible for me to have children. It scared me to death because I have always wanted to be a mother and always thought I would have a big family.
In 2002, when my now husband proposed, we began talking about the future and about what that might hold. A month after our wedding in 2004, we decided because of what I was told, that we would start trying for a family right away. We never imagined that it would take so long.
On June 23, 2006, I miscarried our first child, just shy of 7.5 weeks. My cousin was also pregnant and we were due exactly a week apart from each other. That was a really hard thing to go through and I shut myself in for quite sometime, I couldn’t even go to the hospital when her little girl was born. I regret it but know that I could have never made it through that day. I also never imagined my heart would break three more times after that.
Our second loss occurred February 1, 2007, this time a chemical pregnancy, third loss was 2 days shy of our 7th wedding anniversary, April 15, 2011, I only made it to 5 weeks this time. We were completely heartbroken and were sure we would never get pregnant and make it past the first trimester.
We were told after so many treatments and procedures, by an RE(Reproductive Endocrinologist) that there was a possibility that we’d never get pregnant without the help of IVF because I learned that I have a lining issue. We were so upset that we just put our trying on hold and started discussing our options as far as adoption.
Little did we know, in August 2012 we proved the doctors wrong and conceived. Since I have PCOS(Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and my cycles are always wacky(I spot off and on, sometimes heavier than others even when I am not having a period) I had no idea I was pregnant and after so many negative tests and the heartache we had gone through in the past, I never thought to take a test.
On December 4, 2012, I gave birth to our son at home. I was 18 weeks pregnant. We named him Ryan Wesley. Ryan(after my husband) Wesley(my late Grandfather’s middle name.) It was by far the hardest thing my husband and I have ever had to go through.
December 4, 2013 marked a whole year and we are still not sure of why our son died. We probably will never know though we have many reasons that have gone through our minds. We have moved passed the grieving, although, the pain will never really go away. Some days are harder than others. We wish, hope, and pray every single day that we will have the opportunity to be parents to an earthly child.
Wesley changed us forever. He gave us a renewed hope, after the doctors told us he would never happen, he showed us differently. He renewed a spark in our marriage that helped us to learn to hold on, even through the darkest storm. He gave us our reason to learn to dance in the rain. And he also gave us hope, to wait for our rainbow. We pray it comes soon.