Hillary

Mom to Sierra Dawn
February 15, 2010

and

Sidney Alexander
Jaimie Quinn
Maxx Tristan
Riley Jordan

Sylvan Lake, Alberta Canada

My husband and I were married September 19, 2009, and we were elated to find out that we were pregnant 2 short months after marriage. I was horribly sick with morning sickness, but I didn’t care; I was going to be a mother. At a routine Doctor’s appointment, my Doctor tried to find the heartbeat, he couldn’t, so just in case, he sent us to get an ultrasound at the local hospital. He said there’s nothing to worry about, it’s just routine. I was excited that I was able to see my baby on the big screen earlier than expected. When we arrived, and got the ultrasound done, the nurse could not hide her concern. I knew something was wrong, and she wouldn’t tell me. An hour later, our Doctor called, and told us our baby had a mass in her abdomen, and they didn’t know what it was. She was also much smaller than she should be for how far along I was. They sent us down to the hospital in Victoria, and the nurse there hid her emotions well. She showed us our baby, her head, her feet, her face. Then she left, and the Doctor came in. And he said those horrible words. I can still hear them ringing in my ears; “I’m sorry. Your baby has died.”

I was broken. I died right there on that hospital bed. I didn’t know what to do, where to go, how to feel. I just sobbed, my husband held me for a moment, then they sent us home. A few weeks later, they decided to do a D&C, since my body was not letting go of the pregnancy. After that, they told me I had a baby girl.  We named her Sierra Dawn; the morning mountain. She went on her own journey home, and I’ll never get to meet her.

In the months and years that followed, we tried again, and each time, failed. I had 4 miscarriages following Sierra, and I still, to this day, don’t know why. Doctors can’t tell me why I had my miscarriages. But now that my children have gone home, I still have hope. I confided in my mother about my problems, my fears, and she told me her story.  My oldest sister was born premature and nearly died, and after that, my mom had 9 miscarriage and a stillbirth that nearly killed her. The Doctors said she would never be able to have children, and if she did ever get pregnant again, it would most likely kill her.  I’m so glad they were wrong. If that were true, my mother never would have conceived me and my twin sister; healthy, full-term twins. And then my little brother 14 months later.

It’s been 4 years of trying. I’ll happily wait 4 more years if that means I get my gift like my mother did. She never lost hope, and neither will I.

 You can contact Hillary at hillary@hillarysfertilitysolutions.com

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Comments

  1. Melissa De Leon says:

    Hi Hillary,

    I am in Edmonton and had 3 miscarriages, a stillborn son at 27 weeks and we finally had our rainbow baby on November 3, 2013. I am deeply sorry for all of your losses. Just a suggestion – have the doctors tried giving your prometrium in your first 3 months? This is what helped me carry my two boys.
    Melissa

    • Hillary says:

      Hi Melissa,

      No, I’ve never been on any drug or treatment. All the Doctors I saw kept insisting that it was genetic, or my weight that cause my losses. We unfortunately never saw eye-to-eye.

  2. Emma says:

    I am so sorry for your losses, the pain you must feel, and the frustration with the Doctors. I wanted to thank you for posting your story. I had a miscarriage, then my daughter was stillborn at 38 weeks, and recently decided to try again and had another miscarriage. I feel silly for trying to remain hopeful, but your story and your mother’s story show me that hope remains, through all things.

    Thank you again.

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