Mom to Audrinna Lynn

August 18, 2012 – September 19, 2012

Tulsa, Oklahoma

I am a teen mother and unlike most teen moms I had my priorities straight from the get go. My daughter, Audrinna Lynn Pike, was born on August 18th, 2012 and she got her wings on September 19th, 2012. Although my daughter was a surprise, I would never call it a mistake. I was a single parent to her throughout my whole pregnancy and the month that she was alive. I had a very normal non-eventful pregnancy for the most part, and my daughter was born very healthy and normal into this world at 41 weeks on August 18th, weighing 8 pounds and 15 ounces. We spent a few days in the hospital, as any normal mother and child would, and then we were free to go home.

Audrinna was the light of my life. Everybody told me how impressed they were with me doing such an amazing job with her all on my own. She was just the best baby. She was so good only cried when she was hungry or needed a diaper change. I was never away from her the whole month that she lived. Never once did I leave her or was I not in the same building as her. I couldn’t stand the thought of being away from my little chipmunk (that was her nickname due to her very chubby cheeks). She was so spoiled and constantly in my arms. I am so glad I chose to hardly put her in her swing or in her play pen, because little did I know our time was limited together.

September 18th was a normal day for us. Everything was fine and we went to bed. Early, early the next morning, on September 19th at about 3 or 4 in the morning, Audrinna woke up crying and I knew it was time to feed her. (I breastfed her full time.) So, I fed her and burped her, changed her diaper and put her back to bed. About 10 pm I awoke and was curious as to why she hadn’t woke up yet.

She was gone. She had stopped breathing in her sleep due to SIDS (autopsy later confirmed). I screamed for my aunt to call 911, I started CPR on her (which I took classes for) and the paramedics arrived shortly after. They couldn’t revive her; she was already in Heaven. I had a total meltdown and screamed and begged for them to rush her to the hospital and try more to get her to start breathing again. They knew as well as I did that she was already gone and there was no way to bring her back.

That day my heart was ripped out of my body. I am still searching for myself. It’s only been almost two months. I am so lost. I am meant to be a mother and that got taken away from me. The guilt eats away at me. If only I would have woken up a little bit earlier…could I have saved her? I know in my heart that it wasn’t my fault she went to Heaven, but a part of me will always wonder “what if”. I very much want to raise awareness for infant loss and studying. It can happen to anyone. My daughter was a perfectly healthy, normal baby and it happened to us.

There is no amount of pain that can compare to the loss of a child. I will carry her in my heart forever and I am awaiting the day God calls me home to be with my baby girl once more. The pain eases but the loss never leaves. I am a face of loss. I am a face of SIDS, and I am 1 in 4.

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  1. Kara Cruse says:

    Kesley baby I Love You so Much! I will always be here for you if you ever need anyone to talk to!! words cant express how sorry I am and I could never imgine how hurt you must feel!! reading this brought tears to my eyes!! Your baby girl was the cutest little thing ever!!! She is never far away and always looking down on you!! she is proud of you momma! some day you will get to hold her again! I pray everyday that this gets easier for you!! Everytime I see a post about her A part of my heart just breaks for you!! If You ever need anything, ANYTHING! You Know Your Little Church Buddy Will be Here For You!!
    <<3 -Kara!

  2. I’m so very sorry your beautiful baby girl is in Heaven and not in your arms. Sometimes this life is so unfair. I lost my daughter to SIDS 4 1/2 months ago and I, also, cling to knowing I will get to see her again. I’m so sorry you have continue on while so much if you is missing and forever will be. I’ll be praying for you.

  3. Dear Kelsey,
    I grieve for you too, hearing about your sweet baby. I also have an angel baby–who would actually be older than you. She would be 23 this year. The grief is not so fresh any more, but it never goes away entirely. Be easy on yourself. Give yourself space to grieve. It sounds like you were a wonderful mom, and Audrinna was very blessed to be your daughter.

  4. I am so sorry to hear of your loss! I was a teenage mother too, and I lost twins to miscarriage. I couldn’t imagine what you have been through. Your sweet angel is in heaven and watching over you, and you will be reunited one day! I’ll be praying for you and your daughter. Molly is right, life can be really unfair at times, and bad things can happen to good people. She will always be in your heart.
    much love to you.

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