Mom to Sylas
Lost May 11, 2012
On May 11, 2012 I gave birth to my baby boy Sylas. He was a few days shy of six months. He was strangled by the cord. I was unable to get pregnant, so I thought, due to undetermined infertility. I had tried for 6 years with my ex-husband and then later with a boyfriend of two years. I got pregnant from my lover and of course it was a complete surprise.
I was happy, scared, in disbelief; every emotion imaginable I felt went I saw the test strip positive and after confirming with my doctor. I was in disbelief for the first 3 months believing that there was no way that I could be having what I wanted all my life, thinking I may miscarry. But after several doctor’s appointment and sonograms, I was able to be happy and confident that I was going to be a mommy. I had never felt that much happiness and joy in my life and then he started kicking, oh my God, I was so happy, I felt my little boy inside me. I used to sing to him every day in the shower and when I had a 3-D sonogram he moved to not only classical music, but hip hop, too.
I felt great, never had morning sickness, was very active, worked-out regularly and went to work every day. I was so happy. All I cared about was me and my baby and saving money and his daycare. By the fifth month of my pregnancy I had purchased a crib, two outfits and found a daycare for him.
On May 6th I went to the emergency room because I had yellow discharge and it was nothing I had seen before and knew it was not right. They kept me overnight to run tests. First they determined I was a little dehydrated, so I was put on an I.V. After some test they determined I had e-coli. They kept me another night for observation. I was sent home for bed rest and had a follow-up in two days. The first night I was home I was so happy that I didn’t have a catheter and was in my own bed. The second night was different, it was the worst of night of my life. I was sweating, I couldn’t get comfortable, I felt the baby kick so hard several times. I thought I may have had eaten something that disagreed with him, but I didn’t think that I had to go the emergency for that.
I got up to go to my follow-up and the doctors couldn’t find his heart beat. I wasn’t worried so much because I thought I felt him move every time I got up. I knew when I got the sonogram that my baby boy had died the night before. The sonographer could not look at me and turned the screen away from me. The doctor was upstairs and told me what I already knew.
I delivered Sylas on May 11, 2012.
It’s been almost six month and I’ve been crying now more than before it seems. The therapist helps and my friends listen. But there are moments when I just don’t want to talk to my friends and bring them down, or repeat the same thing. I have been needing a support group because I need coping skills. I have a void in my heart an emptiness nothing has filled. My boyfriend helps tremendously, but nothing compares to that joy I felt in my heart.