Miranda

Mom to Baby Sellers

Lost October 12, 2012

Vinton, Iowa

My name is Miranda. My husband and I live in a small town in eastern Iowa. I am twenty-three years old and my husband is twenty-seven. We have been together for 6 years, and married since September 2010. We have one dog named Hank (a beagle) who is our baby, and two cats, Peanut and Reggie. This is our story of trying to conceive and a second trimester miscarriage.

As far back as I can remember I have always wanted to be a mother. I love children. I love their innocence, their curiosity, their ability to speak exactly what’s on their mind, and the way they seem to make the world a better place. And while I have been blessed with many children in my life – cousins, nieces, nephews, and students – I have always yearned for the day when I would have a baby to call my own. In the fall of 2011, my husband and I decided we were ready (as ready as we would ever be) to take that next step and become parents. I was ecstatic. We tried and tried to no avail, and after 10 months we decided maybe it was time to seek out the help of a professional. I went to see my family doctor and after running some tests, she decided it would be a good idea for us to see a fertility specialist. At this point I began to become discouraged. I mean, wasn’t getting pregnant supposed to be easy? Look how many unwanted pregnancies occur in our country year after year. Here my husband and I were wanting a baby so badly and yet it didn’t seem to be in the cards for us. We met with the fertility specialist and she believed I had Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, which essentially means that my body was not ovulating. However, she needed to run some expensive tests to verify this diagnosis and our health insurance would not cover the cost of infertility tests or treatment. My husband and I decided instead of paying thousands of dollars out of pocket we would just keep trying, and if a few years down the road we still didn’t have our baby we would explore fertility treatment.

A month after our appointment with the fertility specialist I realized my period was a couple of weeks late. Due to the PCOS this was common for me, so I didn’t think too much of it, but decided to take a pregnancy test just to be sure. Imagine my shock when I realized it was positive. My husband was even more shocked than I was and made me take two more tests just to be sure. All the tests were positive, so I set up an appointment with my doctor to confirm, and, sure enough, we were expecting our little miracle nugget. I was 6 weeks along and we couldn’t have been happier.

About a week after my pregnancy was confirmed, I woke up in the middle of the night with really bad cramping. I was terrified that I was about to lose this little baby I had dreamed about my whole life. I called my OBGYN and they had me come in right away the next day. They did an ultrasound and discovered that I had actually been pregnant with TWINS, but for some unknown reason one of the babies had stopped developing. I was shocked and sad for the lost baby, but I was grateful I still had one healthy little peanut. Everything was fine at my 8 week ultrasound, and at my 12 week appointment our little nugget was moving all over the place. The ultrasound tech kept getting frustrated because every time she tried to get a heart rate our little nugget would start doing flips. At our 12 week appointment my doctor was a little concerned about a band that had developed in my amniotic sac. He said he wanted to keep a closer eye on me just to make sure the band didn’t harm the baby, but so far everything was okay. I was a little scared but my nugget was so active I just KNEW he/she was going to be okay. The weeks seemed to drag on until my next appointment, but we tried to stay busy picking out nursery themes, making lists of baby names, and taking pictures of my plump belly.

October 12, 2012, the day of my 16-week appointment arrived and I was over the moon. I was finally going to get to see my little nugget again AND find out if we would be having a little boy or girl. My husband and I were full of hope and happiness on that car ride to the doctor’s office; little did we know our whole world was about to be turned upside down.

I knew as soon as the ultrasound tech started waving the wand over my stomach that something wasn’t right. I had been able to see my little nugget right away during all my previous ultrasounds, but I couldn’t see my baby on the screen, everything just looked distorted. After a couple of minutes she said six words that completely shattered my happiness: “I can’t find a heartbeat.” She left to get the doctor and I lost it. My husband tried to stay optimistic, saying, “Maybe the nugget is just hiding,” but I knew…I knew there wasn’t a little nugget anymore. The doctor finally came in after what seemed like forever and confirmed there was no heartbeat…our little nugget, our little love, our baby was gone. I completely shut down, the doctor started talking about our options but I didn’t hear a word he was saying. How could this have happened? How could this little baby, a testament of my and my husband’s love, the baby I had longed for my whole life, just be gone? I wanted this baby, I needed this baby; it couldn’t be gone. After talking with the doctor, we decided a D&C was the best option. I didn’t want to deliver the baby…I couldn’t, knowing that after all the pain I wasn’t going to be bringing the baby home with me. The doctor scheduled the D&C for two days later.

It has now been two weeks since I found out the horrible news of my baby and had the D&C done. Each day is still a struggle to get through, some days are better than others, but they all are hard. In a few days I have my first follow up appointment since my procedure and I am left with a thousand questions running through my head. Why did this happen? Will I be able to get pregnant again? If I get pregnant again, will I lose that baby? Will I ever be able to carry a baby full term? I know I may not get the answers I am looking for, but I am trying my hardest to keep the faith…that one day I will have a precious baby to hold in my arms.

Miranda blogs at http://msellers3589.blogspot.com.

You can contact her at mirandasellers3589@gmail.com.

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Comments

  1. Hannah says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss Miranda. I lost my baby at 11 weeks and also often wonder if I will ever get to take a baby home. Prayers that you get to hold a sweet little one in your arms soon.

  2. Angela says:

    I am so sorry for your loss Miranda. I also lost a baby last year at 16 weeks; it was the worst experience of my life. I hope you are having better days now; I hope that soon you get to bring home a healthy, happy baby; I hope you and your husband are able to heal. My thoughts are with you.

  3. Clara says:

    I am so sorry for your loss, I lost my baby at 17 weeks, on the 11th nov 2012. Life can be so cruel, I pray soon you’ll have a baby to hold in your arms.

    • Alisha says:

      I am so sorry for your loss Miranda. Thank you for sharing your story. I lost my baby on Aug 27, 2013. Baby Bouler was just days away from 16 weeks old. Keep the faith and I pray you will bring home a healthy baby. I know I will one day as well.

  4. Debbie Lawson says:

    So sorry to read about your story, it sounds like my story 24 years ago. I lost my twins in March 1989. I also have PCOS and had to have a D & C. Take your time there is no clock on grief it still brings tears to me. However God is so good in his grace! I did have a daughter a year later, and eight years later I had twin!! Weeping may last for the night but joy comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5. I held onto that, that I would have joy again. And I have with three amazing miracles! I will continue to pray for you and your husband. Remember men and women grieve differently. So I am sure he also grieves.

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