Xochitl

Mom to Baby Spoerer

March 29, 2012

California

I guess you can say my story started a few years ago. My husband and I have always wanted kids. We tried and tried with no such luck. We had talked about it and decided if we could not get pregnant on our own it just wasn’t meant to be. I was finally getting comfortable with the idea that we would be childless. Then, in January 2012, to our greatest surprise, I was pregnant. It was the best day of my life and to top it off, I told my husband the night before his birthday the big news.

Nothing mattered; we were the happiest people in the world. We decide we would keep the secret and send cards to everyone.  Our joy didn’t last very long; 5 days to be exact. I was at work and all of a sudden something wasn’t right. I went to the bathroom and there was blood. I immediately called my husband and OB. They told me it was normal to have some bleeding, but I knew this wasn’t normal; I just had this feeling. It got worst throughout the day and I started to pass clots, big ones. I immediately called my OB again and over the phone I was told I was probably having a miscarriage and they would call in the morning to see if anything had changed. I called my husband and told him the news. He tried to comfort me as much he could over the phone, and to top it off I was at work and had to hold back my tears. That night all I did was cry and cry some more.

The next day came and the nurse called. She wanted me to get my betas checked every two days.  On the second lab results, she called me and told me, “Well, your numbers are on the rise.” Yay! We were back on tract, or so we thought. I went in for an ultrasound on a Friday, and they found an empty uterus and a cyst. The doctor told us it was ok as I was only about 5-6 weeks along. We were sent home and told just to keep getting my levels checked and a follow up in a week.  My levels were still on the rise at first, and then they began to slow down. At the second ultrasound, I still had an empty uterus and cyst that had grown. He still wasn’t convinced I had an ectopic pregnancy, since I have a history of cysts. I was to keep getting levels checked and come back in two weeks. Those two weeks felt like two years. Throughout the entire time I just kept telling myself and my belly, “We will be ok, everything will turn out just fine.”As my love for my peanut grew, so did my fear. Finally, another ultrasound and still nothing. My doctor wanted me to go get an ultrasound at an imaging center just to make sure. That was on a Friday and he told me if I didn’t hear from him by the end of the day, it was probably a good thing.

The weekend passed and no phone call. Yay! See, I knew we would get through this. That Monday morning while at work I get a phone call from the doctor. I was sure he was going to tell me, “Mrs. Spoerer, you are in the clear,” but nope. He said I still had an empty uterus and my cyst was growing too fast. He wanted to do surgery to remove the cyst and the pregnancy if it was there. That was it…10 weeks of my baby growing in me and my love for her.  He told me we needed to do surgery right away and the nurse would call me with the date and time. I called my husband, trying not to just scream and cry. He asked me if I wanted him to come home from work. I told him no, that it wouldn’t change anything. A few minutes later the nurse called me and said, “Wednesday at 12.30 your surgery is scheduled.”

At that point we still hadn’t told anyone. What was I going to tell everyone? What about work? I was to a point embarrassed this was happening. What would people think? Why was this happening to us?  I can’t even explain what my feeling and emotions were. One minute I was sad then went to being angry; thinking we are good people we can provide for this child. Not like others who get pregnant and cannot take care of their child. I didn’t actually tell anyone about the pregnancy or the surgery until the night before. I couldn’t bring myself to tell anyone in person or by phone so I sent out a mass text to our family and closest friends. 

That Wednesday I put my big girl pants on and told myself I would not cry; I needed to stay strong. I stayed that way, talking positive and telling my husband it was ok, that God has other plans for us, but inside I was dying and felt alone. No one understood what I was going through.  After the surgery was over, my emotions just came flooding out. I told the nurse I didn’t want anyone in my room except my husband. No one was allowed to see me like this. (I don’t know why I felt ashamed to be sad and cry). As soon as my husband walked in I just cried like I have never cried before. He just held me and let me cry.   Finally it was time to go home. All I could think is why us, what did we do to deserve this?  As the calls of concern came I put on my brave face and told people I was fine. I let it bottle it up.   It has been 7 months and this month would have been the month we should have welcomed our bundle of joy into the world. It hasn’t been easy the entire time, but this month something changed and changed me. I was heartbroken that I didn’t have my baby. I finally let all my emotions out to my husband and to the world. I started my blog and I feel so relieved to let it all out and know that there are other women going through the same thing. I feel like this angel has made me want to be a better person and help others. Even if we do not have another child, I will always be a mommy to an angel waiting for me in Heaven.

Xochitl blogs at http://forevermychild.blogspot.com.

You can contact her at Xo1187@aol.com.

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Comments

  1. fer says:

    hugs to you! I´ll pray for you, it´s hard to understand, all we angel moms want is to know why, but there´s nothing else we can do but pray for strength, even if we feel like God forget about us…

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