Samantha

Mom to nine lost children:

#1 Oct 2007: Miscarriage at 6 weeks,
#2 Aug 2008: Miscarriage at 5 weeks,
#3 June 2011: Twin loss at 8 weeks,
#4 Aug 2011: Miscarriage at 5 weeks,
#5 Oct 2011: Miscarriage at 4 week 2 days,
#6 Feb 2012: Miscarriage at 4 weeks,
#7 March 2012: Miscarriage at 4 weeks 3 days,

and

#8 April 2012: Miscarriage of a little boy at 8 weeks
Ended with D&C on June 6, 2012

North Vernon, Indiana

I was one of those girls who wanted a large family with a home of my own and a fantastic husband. Well, I got part of my wish: I have my husband Troy and an amazing little boy, Kyle, who we love so much. Beginning our family did not start out so easily, though.

2007
I finally got the nerve to talk to the guy of my dreams, who happened to be one of my good friends. We began to date and I got him moved out of his mom’s house and we got our first place. People looked down on me for living with my boyfriend at 17, but I knew he was my forever man. I never could do birth control because my body did not react well to it. Well, we knew we wanted a family and I was on track for graduating in a year, so why not try? So, we started, and our second month of trying I got that first positive pregnancy test. I was ecstatic and was surprised at how quickly it happened, because I knew the statistics and had done my reading. Well, the happiness didn’t last long, because one morning in October, as I got ready to head to class, I began to feel tightening in my stomach and I knew it was stronger than period cramps. So, I went to the bathroom and I was soaked with blood. I cleaned myself up and took some Tylenol, and headed to school with a heavy heart. I knew I was losing the baby. I observed my hormones by taking tests and watching the second line fade away. Troy moved on better than I did and was ready to try again, but I was not. It took me up until June 2008 to be ready to try again. 

2008
We went through a lot of ups and downs, but that is how it goes when you are living on your own while in high school. We decided to begin trying again and on our third cycle, I got to see the two pink lines again. I was excited but nervous about whether it was going to happen again. I kept quiet and went about my day as I took care of my clients in cosmetology school. While I was working on practicing clipper cut, I began to experience strong pains again and went to the bathroom. My best friend noticed how I was walking out and followed me. She sat on the floor outside of the stall as she listened to me cry. Finally, she slid a pad under the door and told me she was going to tell the instructor I am having bad cramps and would be back shortly, but that I needed to sit. When I got back in the room, she treated me to a pedicure to try to soothe me. Nothing would soothe these wounds. I watched the rest of 2008 go by and began into 2009. 

2009
We were still not up to trying again, so we avoided my fertile time until the night of my cosmetology graduation. I was so happy to be done with school and was so relaxed. Well, I did not notice that it was a fertile period and come the end of the month I tested. I saw the 2 pink lines and began to get really nervous. Week after week went by and there were no signs or symptoms, other then I was a little extra tired, but considering I was working 40 hour weeks and dealing with hair I didn’t notice. I then finally looked at a calendar and saw that I had made it to 8 weeks. I called an OB to get things started and within a week I got to see the heartbeat on the ultrasound screen. Things progressed beautifully to give me my amazing little boy in March of 2010. 

2011
The month before Kyle turned one, we decided to start trying again. Just before Mother’s Day I got a positive pregnancy test. We watched most of the month go by, until I had some brown spotting over Memorial Day weekend. I knew brown spotting was ok as long as it did not turn red. June began and I began to cramp more and more and began to bleed. I called my OB and she brought me in for an immediate u/s. We saw two little sacs on the screen that showed no fetal poles, and for sure did not look 8 weeks along. She sent me home with blessing that it would pass quickly, and if I did not begin passing the pregnancy in a week to call. Well, the bleeding picked up with lots of clots. It was the most pain I ever felt. I kept my self locked up in my room for most of the week. We were cleared to begin to try again right away, and so we did because I knew if I didn’t then I would not ever. We kept this up until I had a third miscarriage in October. We went to a specialist because I was done. Well, 17 vials of blood, one glucose test, and an HSG later, we had our diagnosis: one copy of the MTHFR gene, PCOS, insulin resistance, clotting issue, anemia, low red blood cell, and balanced translocation of chromosomes 6 & 16. The RE suggested IVF with PGD. We were devastated and went home to leave things up to fate to give us a second miracle child.

2012
We continued to try and had an early loss in February, and March we still kept going, slowly losing faith as we went.  April we got a third positive test in a row. I was nowhere near excited, but we told my parents right away because we knew we needed all the prayers we could get. We got to enjoy 8 beautiful weeks until I started spotting. My OB let me come in and gave me an ultrasound to show that this baby as well did not make it past 4.5 weeks, but my body was just not wanting to pass it. I went for a D&C two days later. I felt my dreams crushed with each passing minute. I was tired and was really considering tying my tubes to be done with the pain. My amazing OB told me not to and that she was not giving up on us. I took her advice and have been on the pill for a few months. I do not know when we will try again, but I know we are not giving up. The depression and mental issues have been the worst and some of the hardest things have been what people have said. They tell us we are young and we have plenty of time, but they do not realize with each passing cycle there goes a possibility for one good egg for us. They say why can’t you be happy with the beautiful boy you have now? I can only tell them, “Why not give him a sibling to grow old with, to share memories with, to have when we are gone and he needs someone to hold him up, and what room do you have to talk when you have 3,4,5, or 6 children?” It’s been the hardest time of my life and I know the wounds will never truly close, but we will have a happy ending eventually.

Samantha blogs at http://thesewordsandmind.blogspot.com.

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Comments

  1. amy says:

    your amazing. i get your drive to have more babies. *hugs*

  2. Heather Jackson says:

    I am so very sorry! I lost a baby girl in April of this year and have been devastated I want a baby so bad but I don’t know if I am as brave as you…you have definetly given me hope. God bless you and I will keep you in my thoughts and if you have any advise please feel free to email me!

  3. Nikki says:

    I have lost two babies in two years. One at 5 weeks and another at 13. I’m not sure if I will ever feel like trying again, but your strength does give me hope. I have two children, 6 & 3, and even though I have them, who I love more than anything in this world, it doesn’t take away the pain of losing my boys. Thank you for sharing.

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