John and Nathasha
Parents to Baby 1
EDD October 23, 2012, lost April 5, 2012
Baby girls 2 & 3
EDD March 26, 2012, D&C September 18, 2012
Finding out you’re expecting is probably one of the most exciting things for a couple. My husband, John, and I decided that we would stop trying to prevent and just let nature take its course. Never in a million years would I think I would get pregnant right away.
It’s funny how your body will let you know before a HPT: frequent trips to the bathroom, tender body parts. I just knew something was different. Three tests later a few days before AF was even supposed to start, we had positive results.
Our first baby, what could be more exciting than this? We knew about the 12 week announcement rule, but we had to tell our closest family members and friends about it.
I found out on February 13 that we were expecting, just in time for Valentine’s Day. I had the blood work done; everything checked out okay. I thought I was one of the lucky ones since I wasn’t experiencing any signs of morning sickness, but I was tired a lot.
At our 8-week check-up, John was ready to go with taping our first ultrasound. Having done all the readings, I knew that the heartbeat would be there. Sadly, it wasn’t. Nobody can ever prepare you for hearing that your baby isn’t measuring where it should be and that this far along, there should be a heartbeat. I’m young, this is my first pregnancy. I don’t do drugs or drink. The most caffeine I intake is green tea! What do you mean the baby isn’t growing?
I was in denial for so long. Reading other women’s stories that experienced this but went back a few weeks later to see a heartbeat and have a healthy baby, I just knew that had to be me, but it wasn’t.
I opted to wait for nature to take its course; also because part of me felt like there would be a miracle, something would change. It didn’t. I waited weeks before I finally made the decision to take the pills to induce the miscarriage, probably one of the hardest things that I had to do. I remember crying and praying before taking them, feeling like it was my fault and that by doing this would really mean it was over. The hardest part of this experience was that there were no answers other than “fluke pregnancy”. John and I got through it, and went about our everyday life. It still made me sad, and seeing people around me pregnant, not knowing what I’ve been through made it rough at times. Sometimes I would cry in the bathroom by myself, grieving over my loss. I knew that I’d be blessed with my baby someday, just not now.
Three months after the missed miscarriage, we found out we were expecting again. Only our parents knew at this point. Now we know why waiting to share the news can be so important to some.
At 6 weeks I spotted. Immediately I went to the emergency room to be sure everything was okay. To our surprise everything looked good, too early to detect a heartbeat, but not too early to tell that we were expecting twins!
In a way it felt like we were getting the baby that we lost. At the 6.5 week OB appointment, everything was looking great. We even saw heartbeats. I will never forget seeing them; they were like little fireflies twinkling on the monitor. Seeing heartbeats validated the pregnancy. It made me feel safe, that everything was going to be okay.
Sadly, it wasn’t. At 9 weeks we discovered that the babies had stopped growing at 7 weeks, shortly after our first appointment. Choosing to let nature run its course, I opted to wait on surgery, mostly because I was hoping for another miracle.
I had my D&C on week 12, to the date. We found out that the reason was chromosomal trisomy, one of the most common causes of miscarriage; this was also how we found out that the babies were girls.
I often wonder, why me? What could I have done differently? Was it really meant to be like people say? Will I ever have a healthy baby?
Thankfully, it’s gotten easier. Hopefully with blood work, I’ll be able to find out if anything is wrong. For now, I’m grateful for the quiet days I get to spend with my husband while prepping a room that will easily become my nursery.
I feel like sometimes things do happen for a reason, and if sharing my story can help another woman cope with her loss then there was a purpose for it all. We’re taking a holiday break and a Hawaii trip. Hopefully some presents and lounging on the beach will help give us our rainbow baby. Third pregnancy in 2013…baby makes 3.
John and Natasha blog at http://littlebabyhong.wordpress.com.
You can contact them at email@example.com.