Born still May 24, 2011
My husband and I had only been married for about 6 months, but I just knew I was pregnant. We wanted a baby; we wanted to give my first child (from a previous marriage) a sibling. I took the test, and positive! We were both really excited.
From the beginning there was trouble. After my first appointment I started spotting, so my OB put me on progesterone. I thought everything would be ok after that and was really looking forward to all of my future doctor appointments. We were filed with so much hope. One night I had a dream, well nightmare. I had given birth to my baby, but the nurse had very quickly taken him away and started running down the hall. I screamed, “She’s stealing my baby!” I tried to jump out of the hospital bed but another nurse held me down. She looked at me and said, “She’s not stealing your baby. Your baby is dead.” I woke up in a panic and told my husband about my nightmare. He told me it was just a dream and I was overreacting. I called my mom and a few other people. I needed to hear as many people as I could say everything was going to be ok.
Fast forward to my 16 week appointment. Everything had been going great with my pregnancy so far. We went in and the doctor came in and listened to the baby’s heartbeat. She stopped and looked at me and said, “Are you feeling any movement?” I replied, “Yes.” She said, “Well, baby sounds good.” There was this strange look in her eyes. I wasn’t sure what, but maybe like she thought there could possibly be something wrong. I blew it off, of course. I was trying to be positive. About a week before our scheduled gender ultrasound, I told my husband, “Something isn’t right. I feel like there’s something wrong.” Once again I was told it was all in my head, and everything would be fine.
May 23, 2011 I woke up to get ready for my doctor’s appointment. Today we would find out if we were having a boy or a girl. At the doctor’s office they let my son put the gel on my belly. The ultrasound tech looked for a minute and then said, “The doctor will be in to talk to you in a minute.” That’s when they told us there was no heartbeat and they didn’t know why. I collapsed and my little boy started to cry uncontrollably. My husband was in shock. They took me to labor and delivery.
Thirteen hours later at 6:36am on May,24, 2011, there he was. My little angel Landyn. They told me he passed because of a cord accident. He had twisted his cord three times, cutting off blood flow from the placenta. I blamed myself, because a few days prior to that I had scooted our couch across the room trying to rearrange. My doctor, the nurses, most of everyone kept telling me it wasn’t my fault, but even now sometimes I struggle with regret and wonder what I could have done differently.
I have gotten so many mixed reactions from people, some of them family. I’ve been told to just get over it, you’ll have more kids, you’re young! My son has been referred to as “the miscarriage”. It hurts so bad…no matter what stage of loss you’re at, you just need support, not advice from people who’ve never been through it. Just someone to say ‘I don’t understand and I’m not going to try to, but let me hug you and you can cry on my shoulder.’ We now have our rainbow baby, but she doesn’t replace Landyn in anyway. No matter how many children you had before or after your loss the fact is you wanted THAT child. I hope that I can help someone with my story and inspire some hope.
You can contact Jennyfer at J.firstname.lastname@example.org.