Mom to Layla Angelina, stillborn April 11, 2007
Twin boys, lost April 22, 2005
Fort Lauderdale, Florida
Growing up was very hard for me. At the age of 13, my mother gave birth to triplets. My sister was stillborn and my brother died within 24 hours of birth due to his lungs collapsing. My mother was addicted to drugs and gave me up for adoption. Luckily, I was adopted at 6 weeks old into a middle class family and I was the only child. Two days before my 12th birthday, my innocence was taken from me and 9 months later I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy who was named Brian Anthony. I wanted him to have a better life, so I gave him up for adoption. After that my life took a wrong turn. I started doing drugs and drinking, and I wasn’t on the right path to succeed. At 16 years old I got pregnant with a little girl and my boyfriend and I named her Layla Angelina. The moment I found out I was pregnant (at about 6 weeks) I got clean and sober and I haven’t touched drugs since (this November will be 6 years clean for me).
On April 11, 2007 I gave birth to Layla and heard those words that every mother dreads to hear, there is no heart beat. I literally broke down. My boyfriend was in jail and I was all alone. I didn’t know what to do. I sat in the hospital for 3 days crying because it was all my fault that my daughter didn’t make it. It was my fault that I didn’t stop doing drugs earlier. The doctors had told me that most likely that had no effect on the reason behind her being stillborn, but deep down in my heart I still can’t help but blame myself.
After my boyfriend got out of jail, I went on birth control because I didn’t want to have kids anymore. First giving up my son, and then losing my daughter made it seem like it was a sign that I shouldn’t have kids. In November of 2007 my birth control ended up not working and I got pregnant with twin boys. I wasn’t sure if I should be excited or not, because I am so scared to lose another child.
On April 22, 2008 I went into labor and gave birth to my twin boys (we did not name them, it was too hard after Layla). Again, I was told those dreaded words, that both my sons didn’t have a heart beat. The feeling that I felt after losing my daughter was now multiplied by 100. I started dozing in and out on consciousness. When I got home from the hospital I attempted suicide. By this time I no longer cared if I lived or died. The first time having sex after losing the twins, I got pregnant again and had a miscarriage at 9 weeks. That was 2 days before my 18th birthday.
I know people are going to be judgmental of having kids at a young age, but it is my life. My boyfriend and I went to a doctor, and I was told that there was a slim to 0% chance that I would ever be able to have children. I was expecting to hear this, but when the doctor told me it was like a steel knife stabbing through my heart over and over and over again.
My boyfriend and I could no longer be together. He started doing drugs again, but I made a promise to Layla that I would never touch them again and I was going to keep my promise if it was the last thing I ever did. I started dating a guy named Erik and we got pregnant with a beautiful little girl named Kaydin Ilisabeth. I started going in to preterm labor at 28 weeks, but the doctors kept stopping my labor and she was born healthy on September 5, 2009 at 34 weeks 5 days at 7lbs 13 oz.
After she was born, her father and I broke up and I got married to another man. We got pregnant with identical twins. He was very verbally abusive and I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks (a month after we got married). Three months later I got pregnant with fraternal twins, a boy and a girl, Adisson Nikole and Dominik Nathan. At 15 weeks 5days my husband rammed his shoulder into my stomach, causing me to have a second trimester single twin miscarriage. I lost my little boy, Dominik. On August 8, 2011 I gave birth to my beautiful daughter, Adisson Nikole, and she was full term at 6lbs 6oz. She has had some breathing problems, but she is a fighter. Her father is not in her life. After having Adisson, I did get pregnant again with another little girl who was due November 5, 2012, but I had a 2nd trimester miscarriage.
I am currently with Kaydin’s dad and we are raising Kaydin and Adisson as a family. I will be 22 and he will be 23 next month. Before people judge about our ages, just know that age doesn’t determine maturity, parenting skills, love or knowledge. I may be only 21, but I am a college graduate, in school to get my pharmacy tech license and then my doctor’s in pharmacy when my girls are in school. I don’t get government assistance, nor do I need it, apply for it or ask for it. I own my own home and make decent money. Yes, I have had hard times in my life but those hard times have only made me stronger and they have made me the mom I am today. I have a beautiful 3-year old daughter and 1-year old daughter and an amazing man by my side, and the only thing I could ever ask for is for my other kids to be here on earth with me, but I know that they are watching over us and making sure we are all ok.
You can contact Courtney at email@example.com.