Mom to Baby Mamott
Lost September 22, 2012
Buffalo, New York
I delivered my 16 week old baby on 9-22-12. I sit here in my bed, in pain, feeling like I’m suffocating…wondering how this could happen to me.
I worked so hard for this baby. Being a mother has been my only dream. I finally met the man of my dreams later in life, and we started to work on building a family. I’m 36 and after 6 months of trying to conceive, I went to a fertility specialist, only to learn that I wasn’t ovulating. We found the cure, but it took several months of going through painful procedures and treatments, including hormone injections. My dream finally came true! I was pregnant. ME! Good ol’ pregnant me!
I took such good care of myself. Maybe even being too cautious…calling the doctor about every pull, pinch, feeling, etc. At 15 weeks, I began to spot. I went to the ER, where they ran every test known to man. My baby and I were OK! No real explanation as to why I was spotting. A week later, at 16 weeks, my water broke late at night. I went to the ER and they sent me home, saying there is nothing they can do. I went to my OBGYN at 7:30 the next morning and she confirmed I was in fact going to lose this baby. I had lost all my amniotic fluid and by now the bleeding was heavy. There was no way to save this baby. She sent me to the hospital to be induced. The thought of giving birth was overwhelming and terrifying.
At 6:30 a.m. on Saturday,September 22, 2012 I gave birth to my miracle dream baby all by myself in my hospital bed. Screaming and crying, waiting for the doctors to come rushing in, it happened all so fast, within 3 major contractions. There was no time to call for help. My husband lay there holding me, praying to take my pain, and watching his wife cry so uncontrollably, that there was no consoling me. I felt everything. What I just had experienced was never something I should have. I just prayed that this baby did not suffer. We chose not to see the baby nor find out the sex. To us, we wanted to keep the vision of our healthy peanut moving around happy and healthy just like we saw on the ultrasound. The sex didn’t matter either way. It was our baby.
I never imagined it could get harder…but it did. Signing a death certificate, agreeing to an autopsy, calling a funeral director, and ultimately leaving the hospital without my baby. I found out a week later that the placenta showed an infection. It’s mind boggling to figure out where I would have picked up an infection. How did my body not protect this baby? Any woman who’s been pregnant knows that the first trimester is precarious and that miscarriages are common, but I made it past that point. We were just to the “fun” part of pregnancy. We were picking out names, planning the shower, making future plans for our perfect little family. Everything checked out fine and we had no reason to worry. And within one day- it was gone. I didn’t say goodbye. I was too busy planning our HELLO. This was supposed to be MY turn.
I’m trying to find a way to cope with my new normal. The day I gave birth and my baby passed away is the day a big piece of me died, too. My life will never be the way it once was, but I can’t give up. I sit and stare at my baby’s ashes, thinking of ways to honor my baby. Getting my story out there in hopes of helping someone out there feel less alone, is one way I can give back. Meanwhile, I continue to pray for my Rainbow baby and I have hope that I’ll see my first born baby someday.
My angel born and handed over to God 9.22.12.
Kristina blogs at http://kmamott.blogspot.com.
You can contact her at firstname.lastname@example.org.