Mom to Joshua Allen
Due April 20, 2013
Grew wings August 30, 2012 at 6w2d
D&C September 14, 2012
My husband and I decided that after 2 little girls, we were ready for a little boy. We started trying when our youngest was 5 months old, fully aware just how close our children would be if we conceived immediately, but also realizing that it took 6 months of trying to conceive our second, so the actual possibility of it happening seemed slim to none. People told us we were crazy for wanting our children so close together, but we LOVED the fact that our daughters were 19 months apart. Those two little girls had an amazing relationship and were as close as can be, and we were hoping the same for future children. So, we began trying to conceive again.
At first I started charting, realizing that it may be off due to nursing our youngest, but after about 3 months I noticed that my luteal phase (LP) was rather short. At the time it was only 10 days (which is the cut-off for normal/short), my spotting began on 6dpo and lasted until AF started, which made it a full LP defect. As I didn’t want to completely wean her, I began taking vitamins B6, B12, and Vitex to lengthen my LP as naturally as possible. It worked, and the month of my youngest daughter’s first birthday I was able to get a job that required more time away from my kids, so my nursing schedule changed to only one feeding a day, which helped lengthen it as well.
Once we reached the TTC for 6 months mark, I began to become depressed and upset that we had not yet conceived. I kept having to remind myself that sometimes it can take a while…After AF ended going into 8 months and something just told me to let it go and give it to God. As hard as it was, I ended up giving God the keys and just having fun with my husband instead of making it a chore. And after a fun little unexpected moment, I had a new feeling in my heart. I KNEW that we had created life. In fact, I looked at my husband afterward and told him, “We just made our boy!”
On 8 days post ovulation I got really nauseated all of a sudden and stayed that way all day until I had to take a break and go to Walmart to get SeaBands, because I was afraid I’d upchuck at work! The next day I took a First Response test and there they were, TWO PINK LINES!!! I was sooo excited! My heart leaped in my chest and tears came to my eyes! We had FINALLY done it! I went to wake my husband up to tell him the news, but it was too early for him so he grumbled something and went back to sleep.
Each day I took a new test and the lines kept getting darker and darker! It was no fluke! I arranged an appointment at the local pregnancy center for a proof of pregnancy paper for insurance reasons and was able to obtain a keepsake copy for myself as well. As part of their service to the community, the center offered a free ultrasound to expecting parents. Mine was scheduled 4 weeks into the future for September 4th, 2012. It was scheduled for the time when I was supposed to be 8 weeks, so there would be a bigger little baby bean in there jumping around
Fast forward a few weeks and odd cravings later (cinnamon rolls with over-medium eggs on top…oh, yes! And it sure was good!), and August 28th rolls around. From the moment I woke up, something wasn’t right. I couldn’t explain it, other than the fact that something felt horribly wrong. I simply didn’t feel pregnant anymore. I had to take my husband to work (I had left my job a week before) and when I was on my way to fill out applications, I started feeling a sharp painful stabbing in my uterus. It was a mix of menstrual cramps and hot poker stabbing agony. It ranged from light to severe and came in waves. I will admit that it was pretty intense, at times it reminded me of my labor with my second. I immediately started crying and hoping that I wasn’t bleeding.
I pulled the car into the nearest place of business open that I saw, which was a donut shop. I quickly went to the bathroom and my fears were beginning. There it was, bright red spotting. I texted my husband and told him what was going on and I drove to the hospital ASAP. By my dates figured I would be 6 weeks exactly, so I knew that they should be able to see if something was going on.
I got to the ER, waited a little while, got back through triage, got an IV, and was set to wait for radiology so I could have an ultrasound that, at that point, would either make or break our dreams. Finally, the nurse came and took me back. I’ll never forget how cold that room was. Thankfully the tech had nice warm blankets available so the coldness was short lived. They couldn’t see much through the abdomen so they were forced to do the dreaded transvaginal ultrasound…which sucked. I remember listening for a heartbeat, hoping I was far enough along to hear one. There wasn’t a sound other than my own blood whooshing through my uterus.
About an hour later I was being told that there was no heartbeat, and that for what my EDD was by LMP, there should be one. I knew that based upon when I ovulated that I could easily be a week off, so I silently hoped and prayed that it was just too early and that my little one was okay.
Upon discharge for “threatened miscarriage” with no instructions on what to do now, I went to the hospital chapel and cried. I must have sat in that pew for 2 hours before I finally had enough strength to leave. I cried and prayed and asked God to please keep my baby safe, to please let him live (by this time my husband and I BOTH had felt that it was our son, and he was right with both of our daughters). I knew that I still had hope because I knew that scheduled exactly a week later was my other ultrasound, and that by then I would know for sure.
Fast forward to September 4 and I’m back in the Pregnancy Center with my husband and daughters (he didn’t want them to stay with anyone…and I regret that he brought them) for my ultrasound. Two of my friends work there as ultrasound techs, so I felt in good hands. During the ultrasound, something was wrong…they couldn’t see anything…
I left being told what I had was a blighted ovum, which meant that the baby didn’t develop, but an empty sac that my body sustained was still there. I knew something wasn’t right…and I also knew that they had a slightly older ultrasound machine too, so I set up an appointment with an OB/GYN as soon as I could to confirm everything and to see about my next options. I knew in my heart that there was no way for me to emotionally and mentally be able to carry a dead baby until I passed it naturally. I knew I couldn’t do it.
Come September 11th (ironic day, huh?), I am in the OB/GYN’s office getting an ultrasound with a newer machine. Since I knew that something wasn’t right, I made sure to go by the hospital before I came there and look at my records from that ER visit. I discovered that not only was there a baby in there, it was measuring PERFECTLY for my adjusted dates at 6 weeks at the time of the visit. I also discovered that I had a subchorionic hemorrhage at that time as well that I was not made aware of…but at least I knew that there was NOT a blighted ovum! There was a little one in there and perhaps if my uterus was really empty that it was simply a case of embryonic absorption (think of it like vanishing twin syndrome with just one baby). But either way, I was going to know; maybe my baby was really in there alive this whole time??
The ultrasound did not reveal good news. In fact, since I had prepared myself for the possibility of the blighted ovum, I was not prepared for what I was told next. I was told that my baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks and 2 days…just 2 days after my ER visit, which would have put the date of death at August 30th, 2012. As soon as I had the chance to talk to the doctor I immediately asked for a D&C…no way did I want to endure the labor, especially since there would be a huge possibility that I was at home with my toddlers when it happened and no way on earth did I want to risk that. So, it was scheduled September 14th.
I had to go to the hospital for a pre-op appointment and they performed another ultrasound to confirm the results and they found the same…development stopped at 6 weeks 2 days…I had been carrying a child that passed for 2 weeks now.
The 14th came around and with my good friend Cassandra, and my husband, I was supported when I went in to have my D&C.
I miss my peanut every day. I hate that people act like early pregnancy loss is no big deal and that I should just “get over it”. They don’t know how hard or how long we tried. They don’t know how much we loved him. We have every right to grieve him. I have every right to grieve.
I named him Joshua Allen…and in doing so it gave me some peace knowing that he now has an identity. <3