Mom to Carter Michael
Born and died on June 25, 2012
La Plata, Maryland
Our story begins February 2012…TWO pink lines! It didn’t take long at all and we became pregnant with my second and his first! At 25 years old, we were both young, healthy and full of energy! We were ecstatic to bring a new life into this world, a brand new baby (hoping for a BOY) to raise together. We found out right away, literally 6 days before my missed period! We were off to happily planning our future! Picking out names, outfits, registry info for the shower, just young, happy, to-be parents!
June 25th, 2012 was a normal Wednesday: drive an hour to work, it was hot out and I was wearing one of my new maternity outfits! (My bump made its appearance very early!) I was 19 weeks and 3 days pregnant. I’m sitting in my comfy chair in my cubical at work and get up to use the bathroom around 9am, something felt weird…immediately in panic mode, but too lost and confused to think straight, I began to push, as if I were using the bathroom…my heart dropped into my gut, my mind in shock…something was there that was not supposed to be! Having my 6-year old daughter, I was a little prepared and knowledgeable about being pregnant, even though I had her as a teen. This was not right, something is definitely NOT ok…I left the bathroom, actually trying to calm my nerves, thinking, “Maybe I’m just over reacting? Just last week I went to the ER and it was only a bladder infection, maybe it came back?” I try walking it off, rationalizing my thoughts, calming myself down and swaying back and forth.
About 5-10 minutes later, the feeling comes back; I have to go to the bathroom again. This time I grabbed a close female co-worker and asked her for a mirror I could take in the bathroom with me, just to see if I could see anything or I really don’t know where I got my thinking process from that morning…I was out of it. I couldn’t see anything with the mirror, so I just tried to feel around and assure myself I was fine…but I felt something. Panic mode!!!! OMG something is REALLY wrong! My supervisor and I are very close she is also the HR coordinator so I knew she handles these kinds of emergency situations. I had my co-worker call for her, she came running in the bathroom, also in a panic. They called an ambulance for me and we waited, and waited. It seemed like forever. I sat in a chair, sobbing, thoughts racing, trying to make sense of what was happening, all while trying to keep my legs as tightly together and hold in whatever seemed to be making its way out! I called my fiancé, he called my parents and his parents and they were on their way to the hospital. As I’m stripping off my maternity pants for men on the ambulance, the sirens are going, the truck is moving and I have an oxygen mask over my face. Scariest situation of my life was just at the beginning!
I arrived at the hospital with a big belly hiding under the blanket and me on the stretcher, as people in the ER congratulate me and wish me luck, I’m in tears and they have no idea! This was not a happy moment, while my belly is big, my baby wasn’t! It’s only June! I wasn’t due until November! What was going on?! By the time I got to labor and delivery my contractions were on full force and no sign of my fiancé or family! Nurses flooded the room, coming and going, somber, paranoid faces…still no answer…”Doctor, what is happening!?” “You’re going to deliver your baby today. You are already 10cm dilated!” There was nothing anyone could do. No answers, just that I had gone into pre-term labor at 20 weeks pregnant due to an incompetent cervix. I had felt nothing that morning, no pressure or pain and I was in labor!
Screaming, crying, it was hysteria. I was losing my baby! I was going to have my baby today and he/she would not survive!!!! How could this happen?!?!?! Finally, my mom arrived, then my fiancé and his family. They gave me the epidural before anyone had got there. I was out of it. Nurses I didn’t know, they didn’t know me, it was horrifying! I didn’t even know what hospital I was at (I live in Southern Maryland, and work in Virginia, about an hour apart).
At 2:15pm on Wednesday, June 25th, 2012 I gave birth to our precious baby BOY, Carter Michael. He only took one or two breaths and passed away. I was holding my Angel Baby! He was BEAUTIFUL, he was PERFECT! We got our baby BOY! He had his daddy’s eyes, fingers and toes. He had my nose! Our sweet little Angel was wrapped in blue. We spent that afternoon holding him, kissing him, crying with one another. It was so surreal, so somber and sad.
I went home that night, escorted in a wheelchair to our car, but no baby in my arms, no carseat to install. Instead just help getting into the car and the sound of a newborn crying, a family was bringing their baby home, but we left the hospital with a memory box. I was drugged and out of it, but I still felt so much pain, my heart was aching. I remember waking up that morning at 4:15 am screaming, “I want my baby boy, God please don’t take my baby!!”
We spent the next few days in bed. I was drugged most of the time, if I wasn’t on Xanax or Klonopin, I was screaming, and crying. Those first two weeks after we lost Carter were the most trying. I was yelling for help, but nothing. No doctor had an opening, not my OB or a psychiatrist. Not a primary doctor or a therapist! I called hospitals, the health department, asking for someone to see me, I needed help! I was left waiting for 2 more weeks before I got in to see a psychiatrist and my OB. I only had the Internet and receptionists at the places I was calling for comfort.
Researching March of Dimes, Compassionate Friends and Infant Loss. Websites like this, stories to read, that was all I had for two weeks, no medical help, just me and my fiancé and our laptop.
I would like to invite any Mommy of Angel Baby, recently passed or just struggling along this path of grief, to reach out for support. I was that woman who had no one to talk to, but read a pamphlet. So please, ask for help, hugs, and a shoulder to cry on.
Praying, and asking the Lord for healing of our hearts, strength and courage in times of need, patience and understanding of His will.
“Some people dream of Angels, we held one in our arms.”
In Loving Memory of Carter Michael, our precious baby boy.
You can contact Samantha at firstname.lastname@example.org.