Mom to Kennedy Lost August 30, 2012 at 4weeks


Madison Lost September 30, 2012 at 4 weeks

Pullman, Washington

I knew I always wanted children; ever since I was a little girl I had envisioned a house full of children running around and playing, full of love and fun. I loved playing with my dolls and playing “mommy”. I always thought I would end up having half a dozen children.

My husband, who I married on May 31, 2009, also wanted children but wanted to wait ‘til he was done with grad school. We planned to wait a few years and would then begin our journey as parents. God had other plans, however.

I was on birth control pills for ovarian cysts and for my bleeding disorder called Von Willebrand Disease, which causes a low Factor 8 and your blood will not clot like it should. I was on the birth control pills since high school and all the way ‘til I was married. I had to go off of them, since they started causing extreme pelvic pain and this caused a lot of discomfort for me.

Since being off birth control pills, my periods have been really irregular. I ended up missing my period for 3 months and decided it was time to go in to be checked out. I went in the year of 2010 and went through some lab tests and an ultrasound. The ultrasound and labs confirmed Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. This meant that I was dealing with infertility issues and that I did not ovulate on my own. The doctor told me that it would be harder for me to become pregnant on our own and that we would need to use fertility medications in order to become pregnant.

Finding out that I was infertile and that I needed to take fertility medications made my husband and me reconsider our decision to wait to become pregnant. We decided to try to conceive in 2011. We took 2 rounds of fertility medications before we had a successful pregnancy. I then did not take any medications, other than medications for my severe postpartum depression, which would be toxic to a baby and could cause a possible miscarriage.

We were not trying to conceive as our lives became really busy as my husband was and is still working full time for Schweitzer Engineering Laboratories and going to school full time as a grad student at Washington State University, and I also was and am still going to school online through Liberty University. We decided it would not be wise to have a baby at this time in our lives. God again had different plans for us.

On August 25, 2012 I decided to take a pregnancy test as I started having more extreme fatigue and nausea and it came back positive, even though we were not trying. I was so excited and could not believe it. I was really surprised. I had to go into the doctors before tell my husband if I was pregnant or not. I needed to find out for sure. I went in to the doctors for this pelvic pain I was having and for the positive pregnancy test. My doctor ran some lab work and it came back with a low level of hCG. This meant that this unplanned pregnancy was going to end in a miscarriage. I was devastated. I cried and felt like it was my fault due to the medications I have to take. I felt completely empty. We lost Kennedy on August 30, 2012. I assume I was only 4weeks pregnant at that point.

On September 26, 2012 I again was experiencing fatigue and nausea and felt like I was pregnant again, so I took another pregnancy test. It came back positive and we again were not trying. I was excited but scared. I decided I should go into the doctors and have my levels checked again and see what they showed. We did the lab and it ended up coming back with a low level of hCG again. We lost this baby, too. I was devastated and confused. We lost our baby Madison on October 30, 2012. I assume I was only 4weeks pregnant with this baby as well.

We plan to wait to try to conceive, even though I would love to try to conceive now as I think it would help heal my heart faster, however, I think I need time to heal my heart instead. I know God has a plan for my family and at this time the plan does not include a little bundle of joy. I pray that my wounds will be healed and my arms will be filled soon.

Whittney blogs at http://www.graham-clan.net.

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  1. I’m truly sorry for your losses.I’ve been there.I too was diagnosed with PCOS.Infertility is a horrible thing.I hope that one day a precious bundle is placed in you and your husband’s arms.Feel free to contact me if you like.
    Again I’m sorry for your heartache

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