Mom to Baby July
Lost July 5, 2012 at 6w5d gestation
After giving birth to a beautiful baby boy in September 2010, come April 2011, I was ready for another baby. My husband was not on board whatsoever at that point. We finally sat down and discussed a good time line to begin trying to conceive again. We both decided that April 2012 would be the perfect time to start adding to our family. So in the middle of April, my birth control was finished and it was time to start trying for another baby! It was a long and agonizing year of waiting to try to conceive. But it was finally here and we were both more ready than ever! After 2 cycles of trying, we got our first positive test on June 13, 2012 at 3w4d pregnant. I was so ecstatic! I waited to tell my husband because I wanted to make it a special Father’s Day for him. But…the excitement took over and I suspected that my husband sort of knew already with my happier mood! So the next day, I decided to give him his Father’s Day card a few days early and in it…a positive digital pregnancy test with the word “PREGNANT” plain as day across the screen! We were just so excited and happy. Even our son, who was only about 20 months at the time, seemed to be super excited, even though he hadn’t a clue what was going on.
The next day, I was going to be leaving for a horse show, my last one of the 2012 season. So I made some onesies on Friday morning to announce to family on Sunday during our Father’s Day dinner at my in-laws’. Sunday rolled around and we announced. Excited as ever, the day seemed to drag on. Finally, dinner was over and it was time to clean our son up and put on his BIG BROTHER shirt. It had the words “February 23, 2013” (on the front), and “I will be a BIG BROTHER!” (on the back). Our son wore it proudly as he walked back outside to play. It took a few seconds before my sister-in-law caught on and then a loud roar of, “What?!” “When did this happen?!” “CONGRATULATIONS!”…lots of hugs, smiles, tears, laughs and love. What an amazing day. After all that, my husband, son and I all went home on Cloud 9. We were pregnant. Our son was going to be a big brother. All was well in our lives. We were blessed.
Things seemed to be progressing beautifully. I was bloated, my breasts were tender, my nausea seemed to set in more and more each day, I was plumb out exhausted each and every day…everything seemed to be going great. About the last week of June, we hit a really big heat wave where I live. We were hitting 100+ temps each day for over a week. I was stressed out, my husband was stressed out and our son was stressed out. The heat was really wearing on us all. At the time, we did not have any air conditioning in our house. On July 4, 2012, we had decided to pack up and go to the lake to try and beat the heat a bit. About halfway there, my in-laws called and invited us over for a cookout. Being that they have air conditioning, we turned around immediately and high-tailed it over.
We relaxed in the AC for awhile, and then decided to go swimming. So we swam and laughed and just enjoyed each other’s company. After dinner, we got cleaned up, chit-chatted for awhile and then left for home. It was a really nice, relaxing day. Once we were home, the house was just boiling hot. Even with all the fans going, windows open, it was just miserable. After putting our son to bed, I took a cool bath to try and cool off again. Once I got out, it was no use. The sweat just started pouring again. My husband and I decided to go to bed, but I just tossed and turned and was soaked in my own sweat. I got up and begged my husband to go plug in our horse trailer so we could sleep in the AC for the night. He refused and just said he would do it the next day. I started crying and became hysterical, yelling that I couldn’t take the heat anymore. So I went back downstairs and ran myself another cool bath to lie in.
Finally, my husband went and plugged in our horse trailer and all three of us moved out there where it was finally nice and comfortable. A few minutes after laying down, our son had fallen back to sleep and began laughing hysterically in his sleep. My husband and I just looked at each other, smiled and fell asleep.
The next morning, I woke up to my son showering me in kisses and laughter. So we got out of bed and headed down to the barn to check the horses’ water. After that, we walked into the house. All was well, I was happy, my son was happy, I was pregnant…we were blessed. I sat my son down and made him some breakfast and then had to use the bathroom. That’s where my world turned upside down. I was bleeding. I wiped, saw the blood, freaked out thinking I was seeing things, wiped again, saw more blood and just lost it. I just completely and totally lost it. What was happening? Why was I bleeding? My pregnancy was going perfectly…what in the world was going on?
Frantic, I called my husband at work and told him to come home. I called my grandma and she was on her way. My husband had also called his mom, because she was the first to arrive. Once my husband and my grandma showed up, we jumped in the truck and went to the hospital.
After all the normal things they do to you when you arrive at the emergency room, I was finally put in a room. Blood drawn, pelvic exam, urine samples, ultrasounds, you name it, they did it. After hours and hours of being at the hospital, the doctor came in and told me that they did not only NOT see anything in my uterus, but that my bloodwork was showing that I was in kidney failure…more tears, more scares, more everything. What was going on?!
I didn’t really believe my diagnosis, but I went with it…being a life or death situation potentially, I went with it. IV, admittance to the hospital, wheeled to my room, more bloodwork, more questions, I was exhausted.
To make this long story shorter…it was found that I was never in kidney failure, that the lab worker made a mistake. But the well-being of my child was still in question. After days of holding onto hope, I decided to use my one last pregnancy test to maybe confirm my fears or my hopes. It confirmed my fears. Our baby was indeed, gone. After 11 positive pregnancy tests over the course of 2 weeks, I received a negative one just a few days before my confirmation of miscarriage doctor’s visit. I was devastated all over again, but it prepared me for my upcoming appointment.
Going through this loss has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It is so hard to be strong…so hard to keep your head up. When the one thing you want so badly for so long is almost literally ripped right out of you faster than you could even blink your eyes…it hurts. It hurts deep. This is a pain I am not familiar with and a pain I wish no one would ever have to endure.
We are currently hoping, praying and trying for our Rainbow baby.
You can contact Brandy at firstname.lastname@example.org.