Miscarried April 5, 2012 (blighted ovum)
My boyfriend and I were not trying to get pregnant at the time. I missed my period while we were on a ski trip, and I had decided that if I still didn’t have my period by the time we got back to Florida that I was going to take a test. When I took the test and saw two pink lines, I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to feel. I was scared and overwhelmed as well as happy. We live in a 1 bedroom condo and both hate our jobs.
When I told my boyfriend the news, I cried. He said everything would be okay, and that we would make it work. We were terrified to tell our parents (despite the fact that we are grown adults; in retrospect that seems kind of funny). So, we told our parents, family and close friends all about our news. Everything seemed to be going normally. We had love and support, I had all my blood work, went and saw the doctor for my first few check-ups and was taking prenatal vitamins.
I know a few women who have gone through losing a child, so unlike most people that find out and start preparing, I tried to keep a level head, telling myself, “I’m not out of the woods yet. Anything can happen.” I was trying to not be too paranoid either (because who wants to spoil their pregnancy by being paranoid?). I got the pregnancy apps to keep track of how big my baby was and did tons of research on pregnancy and baby names. I tried my hardest not to get too excited about the baby, but of course the inevitable happened. I was in love. My boyfriend proposed to me and we were on our way to starting a life and a wonderful family together.
I went to my 12 week check-up very excited to get to hear the baby’s heartbeat, but the night before I had a funny feeling, like something just wasn’t right. I had told my fiancé, but he just looked at me and said, “I love you. You know that whatever happens you have to marry me anyway, right?” I smiled and felt comforted by his words.
I waited in the waiting room with anticipation and excitement and when I was called in, the doctor got right down to business and got the Doppler out to find the heartbeat. After searching and searching she said, “I can’t find it, let’s send you to ultrasound.”
I was a little nervous at this point, but maybe thought that the baby was just hiding, or maybe I wasn’t as far along as I thought. I proceeded directly to the ultrasound room where they put jelly on my belly and began their search. I had a clear view of the screen and all I saw was an empty black space. I thought to myself, “Surely that’s not right…it’s supposed to be the size of a fig.”
The ultrasound technician did not say anything definitive. She tried to stay chipper (probably for my sake) and told me she was going to run the ultrasounds by the doctor and asked me to wait in the waiting room. I think that deep in my heart I knew what was coming, but I held it together while I was waiting with the other pregnant women at the OB office. I kept my head down and thought of other things.
When I went in to meet with the doctor again, she told me that I had a blighted ovum and explained what it was and that it wasn’t my fault. My heart sank into my stomach and I started to cry. My fiancé had not gone with me to the doctor appointment because he had recently been very sick and didn’t want to “contaminate the place where pregnant people go”. She was very kind and gave me time to compose myself, but I felt so alone. She told me that we will give it the weekend to see if I pass the birth material that had produced inside of me, and if not, she would give me medicine or we would do a D&C.
On the way home I called work to tell them that I wouldn’t be coming in, and called my mom to let her know. My fiancé was surprised to see me come in because I was supposed to go back to work after my appointment. He asked me what I was doing home and I started crying and told him that we lost the baby. It was the first time I had ever seen him cry. Despite being really sick and sad, he was so strong.
That night I started passing. I got the worst cramps and saw more blood pour out of my body than I had ever seen in my whole life. I kept switching from the bathtub to the toilet trying to stay comfortable and clean. I cried…and cried…and cried. My fiancé was still very sick and unable to comfort me physically. At one point in the night I was in the bathtub crying and I heard him vomit all over the living room. I cried even harder. Simply put, this was one of the worst moments of my entire life. He couldn’t help me, and I couldn’t help him.
The next week I had more ultrasounds and more blood tests. This went on for about a month and I was emotionally worn out. The doctor kept asking me to come back and I kept seeing all these pregnant women. The whole process became harder and harder to overcome. At one point I got really angry with my doctor when she told me that she wasn’t going to do blood work that day and that I needed to come back the next day. I told her, “I was really hoping that this was going to be my last appointment. I want this to be over.”
She took my blood and what a relief it was when they called to tell me that my blood was back to normal. The loss of a pregnancy is never really over, but the ending of the physical aspect made me feel like I was taking that first step instead of running around in a sad circle. I don’t think about my miscarriage with negativity, but rather with how much I fell in love with that little baby Houdini (a little nickname that I gave my baby after my miscarriage). Baby Houdini just escaped back to being a twinkle in my eye, waiting for that perfect moment for the magical reveal.
You can contact Claire at firstname.lastname@example.org.