Mom to Angel
Ectopic pregnancy September 2010
Belfast, Northern Ireland, United Kingdom
On September 16, 2010 I went into hospital with really bad pains, which I thought was my appendix. I didn’t have a clue where my appendix or anything in my stomach was. I went into A&E at 7pm I saw the nurse, and she had came back with my blood results and said that I was pregnant. I didn’t know what to feel, I was only 16 have now turned 17 I have my life ahead of me. I wasn’t exactly disappointed; I felt a bit of excitement in me. So, my boyfriend and I looked at each other in shock and the nurse said that she was going to take me for a scan. It came to 2am when I was getting my scan and the nurse was looking and looking but couldn’t find a baby in my womb. At this point I’m beyond worried. She then called a doctor in to have a look, but he couldn’t see anything either. After a while of looking, the doctor said that it could be an ectopic and that I would have to stay in.
The next morning I was taken for a scan as soon as I was up. The doctor was looking and he saw the baby in my tube. I couldn’t get my head around it, I kept asking myself, “Why me? What did I do wrong?” The doctor had explained to me about the surgery, but said it might not be the best idea because of my age, so he suggested methotrexate. I didn’t know what this was. Whenever the doctor had explained to me it was just an injection to remove the baby I felt so bad, I felt like I was giving him permission to kill this baby inside me. It felt like abortion. I cannot stand abortion…I am 100% against it, but I knew that it had to either be the methotrexate or else lose one of my fallopian tubes.
Later that night, the doctors took me to get the injection. It was painful and made me feel sick. After I got the methotrexate, I had to get another injection to thin my blood. I got home that day, but had to go back 2 days later to get blood tests done. I got a phone call a couple of hours after my blood was taken to tell me that my numbers had tripled and that I had to go back in overnight again. I didn’t know what this meant. They took me for another scan and told me that the methotrexate hadn’t worked, so they would try another dose and if that didn’t work, I would have to go for the surgery. I can remember thinking to myself for the injection to work, practically begging it to work. I didn’t want to lose my tube and have less of a chance to have kids in the future (although the methotrexate had also lowered my chances). I had to stay in hospital for observation, and then the next morning the doctor would be there with my injection. I couldn’t rest the whole night. I sat and thought, “What if…?” I just felt so emotional and wanted it to be over. I didn’t want to feel the pain anymore.
Before I knew it, it was time to get my last injection (well, what I thought would be my last until I had to get another one after), and then followed by the blood thinning one. This time my friend was with me. She laughed when I got the blood thinning one as I was near crying with the pain, lol. After that I was free to go home.
I had to come back every week for a check up and get bloods done, and then I got the news that my numbers were below 10. I felt relieved, but I felt I wanted the baby, my baby. Now since I had the methotrexate I have had poor health and I am waiting to speak to my doctor about this. I still feel very emotional and whenever I see women who are pregnant, I feel anger. I’m currently in a training programme and 3 girls in my class are pregnant and I am happy for them, but some days I get fed up and start to ask myself why? I feel angry when I see pregnant women now. I have to sit in class and listen to the girls talk about going out to buy prams and stuff and I feel like I have to be strong and not say anything, but it’s not as easy as it looks. My best friend is currently pregnant and I am really, really happy for her, but inside I feel a bit jealous. It’s hard to explain. I am currently talking to other women on Facebook that have gone through the same and that understand, and I also have registered for the Ectopic Pregnancy Trust, where I can light candles and write poems every day. Thank you all for listening. This is the first time I have ever opened up to anyone about this, and the first time I have told my story.
You can contact Kiri at firstname.lastname@example.org.