Ashley

Mom to Lorelei Grace

Stillborn on April 30, 2012

New Columbia, Pennsylvania

We lost our Lorelei on April 30, 2012 at 36 weeks 6 days, two days before I was supposed to be induced. She was going to need surgery after she was born and would spend time in the NICU because she had a gastroschesis (her bowel, stomach, and bladder had come through a hole in her abdominal wall beside the umbilical cord). We were prepared for that and had come to terms with it, but we were NOT expecting to never bring her home.

To make matters worse and put more questions and feelings of anger and frustration in my mind, we had gone to an ultrasound on Thursday, April 26th (4 days before we lost her) and they said her heart rate was dangerously high (tachycardia) and they might have to do an emergency C-section. They admitted me to Labor & Delivery and monitored her for about 8 hours. They kept me overnight and sent me home because her heart rate leveled out. They scheduled me for another ultrasound on Monday, April 30.

Monday morning I woke up about 6 AM and realized I hadn’t felt her move since I went to bed. We rushed to the hospital and they were unable to find a heartbeat and confirmed it with an ultrasound. Our sweet little Lorelei had left us. She had been a planned pregnancy. We SO looked forward to meeting our little girl.

When we found out she was gone I wanted so badly to find somewhere to place the blame, myself, or the doctors who sent me home after being so concerned…I’m still swimming in a sea of “ifs”. If I had been more aware of her movements while I was sleeping, would she still be alive? If I hadn’t been in nesting mode that night and worked so hard, would she still be alive? I have so many scenarios that may have saved her life playing over and over in my head that it’s driving me crazy. I haven’t yet accepted the fact that it’s not my fault. If It’s not my fault, why do I feel so guilty for my precious daughter’s death? These questions rage in my head. Only once have I had thoughts of anger toward God, but I know God is not the taker of life, nor the one who causes such pain. He is the One who gives us strength to get through the pain, torment, and trials the Devil throws at us. He is the One who grants peace of mind and enlightens our hearts. He is the One who gave us our dear Lorelei and allowed us to experience such a wonderful, powerful love. Our love for her and our love and faithfulness to God will allow us to be reunited with our Angel one day. God, Himself, will place her back into our arms so we may raise her and watch her grow in a perfect world; a world where there will no more pain, no more sorrow.  Death will not follow us there.

Lorelei was born sleeping at 8:04 pm on April 30, 2012. She was gorgeous. She weighed 5lbs 8oz and was 18 1/4 inches long. She was, is and always will be our precious Angel. Our dear little Lorelei Grace.

You can contact Ashley at onerockinchick87@yahoo.com.

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Comments

  1. Shannon Perez says:

    Ashley, your words touched my heart and brought tears to my eyes. I love you so much and the heartache you went through, the pain, and the misplaced guilt, it all pains me that you had to go through it. But you are so right that God IS the giver of life and gives us the strength we need to go through the things the devil throws our way. I believe that through this tragedy, you have become a stronger woman and not only that, but you have become a model for other women, someone to turn too, especially to those mothers going through the same loss. I look up to you myself, Ashley. I am proud to call you my friend.

    Love always,
    your “roomie” and best friend forever,
    Shannon

    • Ashley Felix says:

      Thank you, Shannon. You brought tears to MY eyes. I love you and I wish we could see each other more, but I take comfort in knowing that when we do see each other again, we will just pick up where we left off. Thank you for your kind words and support.

      Love ya always Roomie :)

      Ashley

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