Dartmouth. Nova Scotia, Canada
In 2009, I was 22 and probably the happiest person in the world. I had a wonderful boyfriend, the best family and friends in the world, a great job, and a sweet puppy; life was good.
Anyway…HAPPY…my boyfriend and I had just bought a house, on a lake, by a beautiful beach, just the perfect little place for 2 people starting out! We both had alright jobs, and while we didn’t have any immediate plans for the future we just knew we wanted to be together!!
One month after we moved in, we were both on vacation, doing yard work, you know, fixing up the place. I started to feel super tired all the time and hadn’t even noticed that I was 11 days late! I took a test and WOW – positive!! OMG, how could this happen? I am on the pill, can we afford it? There were a lot of emotions from both of us that day, but in the end we decided that we were happy together and no matter what happened, bringing a beautiful baby in to the world was not going to be a bad thing. We were not exactly ready…but who is? That’s what they say, right?
The next day I woke up to a surprise: blood, and lots of it. Really, I think now that if I hadn’t taken that test the day before, I would have just thought it was my period. So, I went to see my family doctor, who was out that day. I explained to the receptionist what was going on and she told me I should go to the hospital.
I went in and the nurses definitely felt bad for me, but that was about all they could do. It was kind of normal, maybe a miscarriage? Basically, I was told if I was under 22 weeks, then there wasn’t much they could do, so I went home. Later that night I felt pain. The worst pain. I felt like someone was stabbing me in my lower belly on the right side. My boyfriend couldn’t stand to see me in so much pain, so he rushed me into emergency.
I was there for a couple of days. “Yes, you are pregnant,” they said, and my hCG levels were developing normally. They just couldn’t figure out why I was in so much pain, and bleeding. After many blood tests, ultrasounds, and a new gyno on my case, I was sent home with the instruction to go for blood work every second morning, and take a week or so off of work.
That worked great for a couple days…until the pain started again, basically the same thing happened 2 more times!! But, what was wrong? At this point, my hCG levels one day were sky rocketing, doubling, and tripling one day. Then low, low numbers the next…everyday was different, My new gyno told me to not expect a normal pregnancy, so I didn’t.
Eventually, when I went in to emergency for the 4th time, they gave me emergency surgery. I was scared! What was happening? Everything went dark and I woke up suddenly to my doctor saying, “It was an ectopic pregnancy. We are so sorry, it was stuck in your right fallopian tube and you were 10 weeks along. There was nothing we could do; we had to remove your tube.”
So, basically, when I really woke up, life had felt a bit darker. The doctors explained that it was so blocked that it just didn’t make it past my tube, and sadly my other tube was majorly blocked as well.
I was 22. I had no plans for having a baby anytime soon before any of this happened, but suddenly it became everything I thought of…all the time. I wanted to get pregnant and I didn’t want to listen to doctors when they told me the risks. I really didn’t want to listen to people when they told me, “Luckily you work with babies so you don’t need your own!!”
I didn’t vent right way. I cried alone. I didn’t want to talk about it. I put on the happiest face I could on the outside, but I suffered on the inside for a long time without anyone knowing. I told myself everyone grieves in a different way, and this was just my way…now looking back on it, I think I would do things differently. I have a wonderful family and friend who would have been there to help me out, all that I needed. I wish I could have been braver.
So, I guess I should wrap this thing up. It’s just the beginning of my journey and the surgeries I have been through and the friends and family members I had to be happy for when they get their good pregnancy news…
I don’t think I have to explain that one. Jealousy is a harsh reality.
I want to end this by saying it’s now 3 years later. I am 25, almost 26 with no luck so far, I am looking into IVF treatments with horror at the costs (my boyfriend and I are middle class at best; how the hell are we going to afford to get a baby in my belly?!).
I know I have a long road ahead, but for now I have found a sort of peace with the whole thing. I have accepted that my body is probably not going to work the way I want it to (well you never know!! *positive thinking*positive thinking*positive thinking*) and someday I will have a baby!!!
You can contact Nicole at firstname.lastname@example.org.