Mom to James Philip
Lost May 18, 2012
Lake Elsinore, California
I am a mother of 7 beautiful children, and to my husband and I that was a blessing. In 2007, I was diagnosed with severe endometriosis. After lots of tests, my doctors confirmed that my chances of having another child was 1 in a million. I was grateful for my precious seven and thought nothing of it at the time. I was going through very painful episodes monthly due to endo problems and talked about an ablation. My doctor said, “Let’s set it up.” I got sick and had to cancel the surgery. Thank God, because the next week I found out I was pregnant. I cannot tell you the mixed emotions I had hearing the doctor say, “You are pregnant.” I thought, “You must have made a mistake, I can’t get pregnant.” He looked at me and said, “I promise you are.” I cried so hard, so scared and confused. I thought this is a gift from God and I am blessed. When my husband and I went to our ultrasound, they could not find the baby, so they said, “We think that you might miscarry.” Devastated, we walked out in tears, but prayed for a miracle. We went back one week later, and sure enough, there he was, with a strong heartbeat. We both cried, thanking God.
I remember being so excited to find out if it was a boy or girl. I truly felt in my soul it was a boy, I honestly did. At 14 weeks we went with our family, and sure enough there he was, my little boy. He was kicking, sucking his thumb, as playful as his older brothers. I felt whole and complete knowing who he finally was. We named him James Philip, James after my husband and Philip after my cousin, who is also an angel in Heaven. I remember feeling him moving and kicking all the time. At 16 weeks he had already had his onesies and blankets all ready for him. On Sunday, May 13, 2012 my husband called me over to sit on his lap. He put his hands on my belly and we felt James kick stronger than ever. It excited yet scared me. I can’t explain it, but something in my soul felt sad. I now know why! The next day, at my 18-week check up, my worst fears became reality. She said. “Jen, there is no heartbeat.” I begged her to check again. After doing multiple ultrasounds, it was confirmed that James was gone.
I remember sitting there in disbelief ,wondering what I did wrong. How could this be happening? My husband said, “I truly believe that we were holding him when he gave his last kick,” (sitting on my husband’s lap)…that we were holding him when he went with the Lord.
I gave birth to James on May 18, 2012 after 5 hours of labor. The doctor said the cause of death was a cord accident. Those words killed me. Holding him in my arms, seeing his perfect fingers, lips, ears, feeling so empty and guilty for not being able to protect him. We had his funeral four days later and it was so beautiful to see people love him, even though they never saw him. People say you should be grateful for the 7 you have and let it go. That hurts the most. Because I am grateful, but I loved my James Philip just as much. I know he is in a better place, an angel waiting for me, but I miss him so. My due date is in October and I am dreading the day. I think what keeps me strong is looking at my kids and seeing James in all of them, knowing he is always with me in my soul! I love him so much!
You can contact Jenny at firstname.lastname@example.org.