Mom to Izah Elezaer Zeyeden Abell
Born February 21, 2012 at 20 weeks
Here is how my story goes: I am a proud mother of 7 wonderful kids; I have 3 boys and 4 girls. I have always wanted a big family and now I have one. I was recently pregnant with our 8th baby. When I went in to get a checkup, I found out that my baby was gone…the little one never made it through the first trimester. We were heartbroken, our lives turned upside down. In one moment, we were going to have a baby, and the next the baby was gone. I went around feeling bad and like somehow it was my fault.
Months went by and I slowly overcame the loss of my baby being gone. It seemed like life was going on no matter what I was feeling. We made the decision to move from the small town in which we were living to make a fresh start. Six months went by and I found myself feeling a little sick, so I went in and found out that I was pregnant yet again. Everything was going so fast to me. I was scared and very nervous, but happy at the same time. I was not going to be able to keep from panicking and worrying about losing another one, but when we made it to 16 weeks and the baby was doing good, getting big and strong every day, we had very special ultrasounds done and we even went to a high risk doctor to make sure things were going good. I started to feel ok about things, about having another baby to add to our big family.
Little did I know that in just 4 short weeks, we were going to lose another one. This one was different; we got to see him move and watch his heartbeat. I even felt him move. One morning, I was lying in bed and had this feeling to go pee, when a big gush of liquid rushed out. I got up thinking that it was pee and found lots of blood I was sure the baby was gone, but to my surprise, when we went to the ER they did an ultrasound and there was a good heartbeat. Everything looked fine. They could not tell me why I was bleeding, so they sent us home and I was to be on bed rest, so that’s what I did.
Days went by and the bleeding stopped, so I thought things were going to be ok, but come that next week I started bleeding again, so we went back to the ER and again they found nothing wrong. So, we went home, the bleeding stopped and I was feeling ok. Here we made it another week, so I started to feel like the baby was going to make it. Then I woke a few days later to even more bleeding and bad cramps. The doctor told us we had a small tear in the placenta that should be ok, just to rest as much as I could and that there was nothing they could do to help it. All the ultrasounds keep coming back ok, and the baby showed no signs of being in distress or having lost any fluid… everything looked good. I went back home and rested.
By that Monday, Feb. 21, 2012 my stomach was hurting so bad and I was passing big dark clots with lots of bleeding. I was checked in to labor and delivery, where the doctor told us that no matter what we did, we were going to lose this baby. My heart sank. I set into full panic; there was no way to stop the bleeding unless I was to deliver. We wanted to wait it out to see if he would make it another 2 weeks, because they told us that if we could make it to 22 weeks, he might have a chance. But then the doctor came back into the room and told us that he wanted to end the pregnancy right then and there. We said no, but he ordered some antibiotic and the next thing we knew I was in so much pain that I could not handle it anymore. The nurse checked me and said that my baby was coming, that there was nothing they were going to do, to stop. I felt that the doctor was in the wrong for not stopping the labor.
Before I knew it, I had given birth to a 9 ½ inch, 11oz baby boy who did not make it. His heart was beating all the way up to him coming out. The nurse was just sitting there like nothing was wrong, telling me that things would be ok. What did she know? She was not the one losing her baby, whom everyone wanted. I felt like my kids would hate me for losing their brother, and that my husband was going to leave me over this. Here I was, holding a baby that I was never going to be able to feed, give love to, hold whenever I wanted, cuddle him. There he was, just lying there, so small, so unreal, like he was just too young to make it, and I felt so alone, so helpless, so like I could have done something to prevent what just had happened.
I was in no shape to handle anything for days. I was lost. I have not too much memory of what happened the days following his death. I felt like my life was over. Here was a very small baby boy who would never get to meet his brothers and sisters. His dad could not even hold him; it was too much for him. I got to spend the next 24 hours with him. I got to sleep with him in my arms the whole night. The next morning, I had to decide whether to take him home with us to say goodbye to the other kids, or to have him cremated and have them say goodbye to his ashes and lots of pictures. That was the hardest thing I ever had to do. We had him cremated and had a wonderful ceremony for him. I have made him a baby book of the whole pregnancy, the birth and the ceremony to keep his memory alive every day. I look at a picture of him and wonder what things would be like if he was here with us. My kids made him things to put into a box just for him. My youngest son, Jedidiah, always puts small things in there for him. I find that having a box just for him helps me to keep on going. We have one wall just for him and his pictures. He sits in a nice little brown box with his picture on it on top of our TV where he can always be a part of things. No matter how much time goes, by he will always be there with us, in our heart and memories. There is not a moment that goes by that I don’t think about Izah, wishing he was still in my tummy, growing and getting ready to enter the world. He was due on the 17th of July. The closer it gets to that date, the more I wish he was here with us. I just hope that I will keep getting stronger about all this and not fall into some kind of sadness or a big dark hole that I feel like I can never get out of again. There are times I find myself crying and missing him. I hope in time that will get easer as well. It’s really hard to go places when I know that there is going to be a baby there that someone else is happy with, their new baby and mine was taken so soon and for what seems to be no reason as to why this had to happen to our loving family. Life is not the easiest thing to deal with right now. We just take things one day at a time for now. I am just thankful that my family is doing so well considering what we have been through in the past year.
We hope that someday we might have another chance to add a new baby to our family…our kids would love that.
You can contact Sara at firstname.lastname@example.org.