Karen

Mom to Logan James
Born December 7, 2008 and died December 9, 2008

and

An angel lost September 29, 2011

Pittsfield, Massachusetts

I’d like to share my story because I feel that it is a very unique situation. I’ve kept the loss very private and close to my heart and have only been sharing my feelings with family and close friends. But recently, I’ve felt the need to go online and read about other mom’s stories and struggles through their journeys of loss.

It’s comforting to know that I am not alone and there are others out there who know EXACTLY how I feel. I think the people in our everyday lives can be supportive, but only to a certain point. The loss of our children, whether still in our womb or newly born needs a special kind of support that only us moms can provide. And the everyday struggles we endure as we watch other mothers who have not had to endure our pain.

My Story:

My main goal in life was always to have a family. I wanted to marry a man who I’d love forever and who would return his love for my unconditionally. I wanted to have his children, be a mom and a strong emotional support for my family.

My dreams started to become a reality when my husband (boyfriend at the time) and I found out that we were expecting in March of 2008. It was a surprise to us and not yet planned but we couldn’t have been happier. To celebrate our news, we went to a local book store and picked out books for our newly expected bundle of joy. Everything was great.

On August 4, 2008 we found out we were having a boy. My husband was glowing with pride because he said he knew it was a boy all along. I was a little more shocked because I was sure it was a girl! I actually drove around the parking deck of the hospital 3 times without realizing it before I found my way out! But, it was amazing. We both couldn’t have been happier because we knew our sweet baby was healthy and right on schedule of development.

As time passed, we got more and more excited and I got bigger and bigger. We picked a baby jungle animal theme for his nursery and set it all up putting everything in its place getting set for his arrival.

I loved being pregnant, watching our son grow through ultrasound pictures and my ever-expanding baby bump. At 30 weeks I found out I had Gestational Diabetes; which was definitely a challenge. My blood sugar levels went through the roof and I ended up having to give myself insulin several times a day. It became more and more challenging but he was still very healthy and continued right on schedule.

At the very end of my 36th week, my husband and I went out to run some errands. It was December and the weather was a little crummy. My mom even called to advise us to stay in for the day. But, we had a few things we needed to get and we had a 4wheel drive SUV so we weren’t nervous. The weather in Massachusetts is different from day to day and we both had been driving safely in it for our entire lives. We headed out and successfully finished our errands.

On our way home, we became stuck in a massive traffic jam. It was so bad that police were instructing all traffic to turn around and go another way. We only had one other way home up over a bridge and big hill. We had taken it a million times and it really wasn’t a big deal to us.

We started to head up over the bridge on the hill when we hit a patch of black ice. Our SUV began to swerve and fishtail as my husband tried desperately to straighten us back out. There was no hope of this after a minute of desperately trying to regain control. Another SUV came barreling around the corner down the hill at approximately 45 to 50 miles an hour. We collided…. head on. (We were both wearing our seatbelts.)

We were rushed to our local hospital where a trauma team was waiting. One of my most vivid memories in the ER was the on-call OBGYN coming in and trying to locate our baby’s heartbeat. My husband was by side holding my hand and said, “See, there’s his heartbeat. He’s okay.” I slowly looked up at him was tears in my eyes and said, “That’s my heartbeat. They can’t find his.”

I was rushed into an emergency c-section. I woke from it to find a perfect beautiful baby boy 21 inches long and 5lbs 1oz. I had a brief moment of relief to think he was okay and then I noticed he was trembling severely. The doctors went on to explain that I had suffered complete Placental Abruption, along with other injuries, from the accident leaving my sweet baby without oxygen for almost 2 full hours. After 45 minutes of resuscitation, he was brought back to life but was on life support and needed to be transported to a larger hospital with a NICU that could support his needs.

I was transferred to the same hospital the following morning. We hoped and prayed as watched our son endured dozens of tests. On December 9th, it was determined that there was no hope for survival. He had no brain function and was progressively doing worse by the hour even on life support in the NICU. We were able to hold our sweet baby boy, Logan James, in our arms while he peacefully passed to Heaven. 

After taking some time to try and heal physically and emotionally, we decided to continue on the path of making our dreams of family come true. We were finally able to successfully conceive again in July of 2011.

We found out 9 weeks later during my first ultrasound that we had miscarried on September 29, 2011. The ultrasound tech kept saying, “There’s no way you are even 5 weeks yet” and I knew there was something wrong. She stopped talking and turned the monitor away. We were given no information except to report immediately to my OBGYN office and that they were expecting us.  Three days later, I had a D&C.

We do not have any living children….yet.

It’s been 3 years, 7 months and 6 days since my son passed away and 10 months 19 days since I miscarried. I feel I am finally ready to share my story in hopes that other moms will find comfort that they are not alone. We all have our own unique stories to share, but we all share one thing in common; we are proud moms of angels.

You can contact Karen at nightstarz28@hotmail.com.

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Comments

  1. Karen, I am so sorry for your losses. I have a stillbirth and a miscarriage. I have said a prayer for you that God would comfort you and that you would hold your babies again in heaven one day. I pray too that God would bring you the desires of your heart.

  2. Jeanine says:

    Karen, Your story was so very sad and I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my first born in 1992 to a chromosomal defect. He died before he was able to take his first breath. I was 6 months along. I have gone on to have two healthy children. I still visit this site even after 20 years and find comfort connecting with the moms of angels. You are right in the fact that those who love us but haven’t experienced this kind of loss just can’t support us like those who have been through it. It does not get much easier. There will always be a void in your life. My son who was born second just graduated from high school and during his ceremony my mind wandered back to my first born who I feel got so cheated. He will never get to graduate, marry or have children of his own. It just doesn’t seem fair!!!!

    I have a friend who lost a child like you, as the result of an auto accident. She was severly injured in this accident and was not supposed to have any children due to her injuries but last year had a healthy baby boy. There is hope you will have a healthy child. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  3. Dear Karen,
    Your story touched me. I have personally lost one of my twins. She died in my arms on her 3rd day.
    10 months later I had an early miscarriage. Even though I have one little beautiful girl, I do miss her sister and what might have been another sister or brother.
    I’m sorry for your loss.
    All Love, Nathalie

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