Mom to Savion DeNiro Johnson
Born still June 27, 2012
Eau Claire, Wisconsin
It has been exactly 2 weeks since my baby died. There are no words to take my pain away. Me and my boyfriend Stacy have been together for just shy of 4 years now. We have never once gotten pregnant as much as I wanted to until October 2011! My period had been late and so like all women I rushed to the store and get 2-6 pregnancy tests, because 1 can never be right! It was positive, I had never been happier except for with my other pregnancy 5 years ago. I have a daughter who is 5 years old, turning 6 on December 26th. Me and my partner had some very bumpy times during my pregnancy; we even split up in the beginning of it. I remember the first little flutter that grew into strong little kicks, tumbles and flips. I was healthy; I quit smoking, I did everything most women do to take care of yourself during pregnancy! My daughter and I would sit up at night and she would talk to him and was so excited to be a big sister. I was the happiest I had been in a long time. Stacy and I got back together at the end of April. He would laugh at our son because we would be laying in bed and if Stacy put his arm around me, Savion would kick like crazy! I knew Savion was special, he was so strong already.
It was June 25th, 2012 late at night I thought, “Hmmm, Savion isn’t moving as much as he usually does, he must be sleeping.” So I didn’t think anything about it. The morning, June 26th I had a doctor appointment, 4 days before my due date, which I attended alone because my boyfriend works overnights so I let him sleep. So I got up and drank something cold because I still had felt nothing. Nothing happened. I rubbed my belly-nothing! When I got to the doctor appointment I immediately asked my doctor to please find his heartbeat. After 2-4 minutes of not being to find his heartbeat, she looked at me as my tears started to well up in my eyes and said, “I’m getting nervous now.” She went out and got the ultrasound machine. I heard nothing, saw nothing moving in his chest and in an instance my heart broke and I started saying, “He doesn’t have a heartbeat, does he?”, over and over. She went out to get another doctor to be sure. He came in looked, and looks at me and says, “Well, I have no good news for you today!” Could he have been any colder? He walked out. I couldn’t believe it, I never thought it would happen to me, I instantly asked, “What did I do?” Tears wouldn’t stop and I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t find the strength to even want to talk. The doctor came back in and asked me when did I want to get induced or did I want to wait until labor to set in naturally? I already blamed myself instantly, so how could I walk around with my poor dead baby inside my body any longer? It felt cruel to torture myself and I knew what I had to do.
I went home and woke my boyfriend up to tell him. He grabbed me and told me, “Don’t blame yourself-you didn’t do anything wrong,” with tears in his eyes. My daughter came home that day, too, from her step-mom’s, and I had to tell her, “Ezi, your baby brother died, mommy has to go to the hospital and have him but he can’t come home with us.” She looked sad and then went and played and came back to ask a question again.
I went in that night at 6. They started prepping me for induction for the next morning. I got no option to have a c-section. It just seemed so hard that I had to be in labor with my sweet angel and not be able to take him home after! So the next morning at 11:26 am my son, Savion, was born dead. He was 8lbs 4oz and 22 inches long! He was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen and it was the hardest thing I will ever have to do! My umbilical cord was 77cm long and attached to the side of the placenta; when he was born he was unraveling from the cord. He had what looked like bruising and rope burn on the side of his neck.
They cleaned him up. I needed to see him to believe that he was really gone. I held him and cried; this was supposed to be one of the happiest days of our lives. After a long discussion the night before with my parents, we decided to let my 5-year old meet Savion – she was his big sister and had the right to say goodbye, too! She said, “Mommy, he is so cute!” We kept him with us all day long, and by 6:30 pm we knew where he needed to go. His skin was darkening and blood came from his nose and I couldn’t bear it. We kissed him and rocked him and told him we loved him. They put him in a little basket – the nurse said she refused to put him on a cold, hard cart. It was nice that they treated my baby good! The next morning before discharge, I had to say goodbye one more time before leaving to go home with no baby. They brought him up to me with tears in their eyes and I hugged him and kissed his cold face, stared at him and bawled some more. His daddy rocked him gave him a kiss and we had to say goodbye! Leaving that hospital without my son was the hardest part by far. I have so many questions like “Why me?” or “What if…?”, but no one can tell me why and it breaks my heart I will never get to see him again except for pictures! I know he knew we all loved him and that he was my special baby!
You can contact Karly at firstname.lastname@example.org.