Mom to an angel lost June 2011 at 4 weeks,
An angel lost February 2012 at 6 weeks,
Jaeden Wise, lost June 28, 2012 at 14 weeks 4 days
Today marks the one week anniversary of the death of my beautiful baby boy, Jaeden. Even though he was not my first miscarriage, losing him hurt the worst. I lost my firstborn child due to my incompetent cervix two weeks after losing my dog in a car accident. Here is my story:
I remember growing up as a young girl and into a young woman never wanting children. Even when my husband and I first got married, we decided that were not going to have any children, that we were happy with my step-daughter.
After less than 1 year of marriage, we started having baby fever, and at the end of May we were shockingly pregnant. I took almost 5 pregnancy tests just to be sure, and still wasn’t sure because the second line was very light. The reality that I was pregnant didn’t hit me until I took a blood test at the doctor’s office at Martin Army Hospital in Ft. Benning, GA. I was super excited. I told the world. I immediately changed my diet and celebrated with all my friends. I remember getting angry at my best friend as she told me that I shouldn’t tell anyone until I made it past 12 weeks because it was bad luck.
Five days after the confirmation that I was pregnant I started feeling cramping and when I went to the restroom I saw pink. I was on the phone with a very close friend of mine and she begged me to go to the hospital. Nervous and embarrassed, I didn’t call anyone, not even my husband. When I arrived at the hospital, I told the nurse that I was pregnant and bleeding. They had me sitting in the waiting room for hours before bringing me into the back room. After they checked my vitals, they left me in the back room for 3 hours without checking on me. During this time I was bleeding profusely; I remember standing up trying to get some paper towels (because they didn’t even have padding for me to lie on), I remember just lying there, crying and praying, asking God to please let me keep my baby. Then I started to get angry the more I bled and the worse the cramps became. I called one of my friends, who previously had a miscarriage, and asked them what could they do for me and she told that since I was only 4 weeks they would probably just send me home. At that time I cleaned myself up (the best I could), got dressed and headed out the ER. Then a nurse saw me and begged me to stay. During this entire time my husband had been calling me nonstop. I finally returned his phone call and then he immediately came to the hospital. My friend who told me to go to the hospital contacted our other friend who lived close by, and she also came to the hospital to comfort me.
Finally, when the doctor came into my room and did an ultrasound, he asked me who told me I was pregnant. I responded saying 5 home pregnancy tests and one of his fellow doctors in that hospital. He continued to look at the ultrasound and told me that I was not pregnant, because he didn’t see a sac. It wasn’t until he checked my hCG level and looked at my report that he believed I was pregnant.
Then the doctor asked me for my and my husband’s blood types. Being that I am B- and my husband is O+, they determined that the difference in our blood type was a possible cause of the miscarriage. After waiting another hour and half for them to verify my blood type, I received at shot called Rhogam, which was supposed to prevent this from happening again.
Coming home from the hospital, I felt more embarrassed than sad. I felt like I should have listened to my friend and not told anyone until I was 12 weeks. It was really hard going back and telling everyone that I lost the baby. It was especially hard getting phones calls congratulating me on my pregnancy and having to say that I had a miscarriage. After this first miscarriage I was tough, I cried, I prayed and was on the road in the next few visiting my in laws in Kentucky.
Miscarriage number 2 wasn’t as difficult as miscarriage number 1, because I didn’t know I was pregnant until I miscarried.
It was a normal day. My period was very late as usual,but all of a sudden I started having extreme cramps. The cramps were so bad that I had to leave the engagement I was at. As I was driving home, the pain started getting worse. I thought that I was having contractions. I had to pull over on the side of the road several times just to regain my composure. When I got home I ran upstairs and jumped in the bed and tried to rock my pain away. Then I felt this sudden urge to use the bathroom. When I went to the bathroom, I felt something pass. As soon as it passed I felt immediate relief, no more pain.
The next day I went to the doctor and explained to them what happened that they said that it could have been a possible miscarriage. They gave me a urine test which came back negative and then they gave me a blood test which came back positive. Every week I had to go to the doctors to ensure that my hCG levels were declining. I felt sad for a brief moment, but then I felt ok. I told my husband about what happened and we didn’t share this news anyone until miscarriage number 3.
Miscarriage number 3 is the worst pain I have ever felt physically and mentally. I pray that no would ever have to go through the pain of having to bury their child.
Pregnancy number 3 was definitely planned. I have been to the infertility clinic here in Hawaii at Tripler Army Medical Center. They prescribed Clomid to me. I bought an ovulation kit and as soon as the ovulation test showed that I was ovulating, I started praying. The day after my first missed period I took a pregnancy test and I was pregnant. At first I was super excited, because it was the first time we really tried to get pregnant we were successful. I told my husband, and then got the pregnancy confirmed by a doctor. They informed me that I was 6 weeks. I then received my due date of 24 Dec 2012…wow a Christmas baby. At that moment I started becoming very nervous. I was so afraid of losing this baby that I didn’t tell anyone I was pregnant. I was very paranoid. I was running to the bathroom almost every 30 minutes to check to make sure I wasn’t bleeding. Every stomach pain I would cry and pray for God not to let me lose my baby. Then, 5 days after finding out I was pregnant, I noticed some brown discharge. I felt like I was living miscarriage number 1 all over again. My husband and I went to the doctor and the brown discharge had stopped. The doctors and nurses informed me that brown discharge was normal and they showed us an ultrasound of our baby and the flickering of his heart beat…wow, what a relief. But the fear of losing my baby continued to increase. After two weeks of this, I started getting very depressed, so I called my grandmother. She told me that fear is not from God, and that I need to enjoy every day of my pregnancy whether I’d successfully carried this baby or not. I took Grandma’s advice and finally began enjoying my pregnancy at 8 weeks. My husband was more excited than me and he started telling everyone. I was still apprehensive about sharing the news, so I only told close friends and family.
One day before my 12 week check up, I experienced a tragedy, which I thought to be the worse pain I ever experienced. It was the loss of my Cocker Spaniel dog, Christian. He jumped out of the car on the highway and when we turned around to retrieve him it was too late; he was already dead. I remember crying like a baby for days, feeling so guilty, but every time I cried I felt a pain in my stomach. Then I knew I had to pull myself together for the sake of the baby.
When I went in for my 12 week check up I received the greatest joy ever…my baby’s heartbeat and a 100% A-Okay on all my labs and cervix check. The sound of my baby’s heart beat was amazing, it was going so fast. When I shared with my doctor about the loss of my dog she said she had a special treat for me. She gave me an ultrasound and I was able to see my bouncy baby. He looked so happy, like he was having fun, putting on a show for all to see. I was so amazed to see how active he was. Seeing my baby moving around me helped to mend my broken heart from the loss of my dear dog, Christian.
I remember being so excited about making it past the 12 week mark. I was so much more confident that I was not going to lose my baby, so I told the world. My co-workers were so happy for me…so were all of my family and friends. Every single day of my pregnancy I would wake up and go straight to my knees and thank God for another day with my baby, and ask Him to help me to carry my baby to full term. But when I made it to 12 weeks, I was praising God the best way I knew how. I finally started getting my little baby bump (the bump we all wait for) and I was super excited about getting my first baby stretch mark. Life was good. Every Sunday was when I would gain another week, so every Sunday afternoon my husband and I would compare apps and read about the progress of our baby and what to expect in the days and weeks to come.
On week 14 day 1, I started having more discharge and feeling little sharp pains but I just thought that it was normal due to my expanding uterus. Then, on the evening of week 14 day 2, the discharge increased so much that I felt uncomfortable, so after making dinner I went upstairs to take a shower and that was when I noticed orange discharge. My husband and I immediately rushed to the hospital but my fears had subsided, because when I went to the bathroom in the ER there was no more orange. I started praising God again. I knew everything was going to be okay. So, once we got in the back room, the doctor gave me an ultrasound and we were able to see our little boy and hear his perfect heart beat. I was a little worried because he wasn’t jumping like he was before, but the doctor reassured me that my baby was okay and that I shouldn’t have came to the hospital unless I was bleeding through a pad in less than an hour. He said that that he was just going to give me a pelvic exam and send me on my way. When he did the pelvic exam he said, “Wow, I didn’t want to see that.” He told us that he was sorry and that he needed to call an OBGYN. When the very cold female doctor came in, she told me that my cervix was dilated and that some membranes were protruding through my cervix, and that either my baby was going to slip out or my sac would break, causing a miscarriage. She said that she was going to keep me overnight, because when the baby comes the placenta would still be attached, and that it would be too horrific to happen at home.
So, they put me in the baby ward, where I stayed awake all night, waiting for it to happen, while also praying that it didn’t. The next day, 14 weeks 3 days, three new doctors came in (1 was my infertility doctor), and they all seemed to be surprised that my baby was still hanging in there. They asked if I was bleeding or having any pain and I said no and no. I actually felt great. They checked my baby’s heart beat and it was still going strong. They gave me another ultrasound and I could see my son sucking his thumb still moving his little legs and arms. My spirits were lifted; I knew we would defeat the odds. My baby was alive and well, and I was feeling great. They brought me back to my room and gave me the option of a cerclage, even though they highly discouraged it, being that my cervix was only one knuckle long when it was suppose to be 4, and they gave me all the risks. But I told them to do whatever it takes to save my baby. When they realized that they couldn’t convince me to change my mind, they scheduled me for surgery for 12 noon the next day.
Shortly after the doctors left my room, the nurse put me on bed rest with my feet elevated to take the weight off my uterus. Then I started having pain, like contractions. I told the nurse and he informed me that they were not real contractions; he called them Braxton Hicks contractions. Then I started having the brown discharge, which I thought was just old blood like before.
The next day, 14 weeks 4 days, I started bleeding. Then I passed some tissue. I told the nurse and the doctor. They checked my baby’s heart beat, and yep, his heart beat was perfect. I thanked God again for answering my prayers. I asked for all of my staff to pray for me. I texted everyone in my phone and asked them to pray for me. I felt assured that my baby and I were going to pull through this.
Around 1pm I was prepped for surgery. I received several pokes in back before the numbing sensation. I was turned upside down as I began to vomit into a suction straw. Then I heard the doctor say that it was too late, there was no cervix left; I was completely dilated. I was sad but still hopeful.
I was then brought into Labor and Delivery to recover. I told my husband what happened, but we still believed in God for a miracle. A few hours later after the numbness wore off, the same cold female doctor from my first night in the ER informed me that she was going to do her exam, and normally when she does her exam women tend to deliver. She gave me an ultrasound and said that she could no longer see my baby. She asked me to bear down twice and when I did, I felt my baby as he was delivered. Then I went through the worse contraction pains ever trying push out the placenta.
Once everything was over and done, I was told I had a precious baby boy, 5 inches, 1.6 ounces named Jaeden Wise. He had my long fingers, legs and toes. I held him. I kissed him. I counted every finger and every toe. I continued to hold him in my arms as I drifted to sleep.
I never lost hope that my baby was going to survive. Even when reality hit I was still in denial. I told my husband that he was moving, but my husband assured me that he was not. That night they took me back into my room in the baby ward, where I could hear mothers being united with their new babies. All I could do is weep and ask God why didn’t He answer my prayers, why did He take my son, why did He allow me to be pregnant if He knew I wasn’t going to able to keep him, what did I do wrong to be punished in the worse way possible, why God, why?
I continued to ask God why as my husband and I went to the funeral home to have our first son cremated. I continued to ask God why as the first time I was able to write down mother was on my son’s death certificate. I continued to ask why as the hospital informed me that may son was born with a heart beat so he was eligible for a birth certificate. Again, why God why me?
Then I remembered the perfect loving God that I serve. I may not understand why He has allowed this to happen to me or to any of us, but I know He has a plan and all we can do is trust Him. Now I try to grateful for the time He allowed me with my perfect little angel. I am grateful for those 14 weeks and 4 days I was able to spend with Jaeden and fall in love with him. I am thankful for God answering my and my husband’s prayers of giving us a perfect, healthy little boy. Do I miss my baby Jaeden? Do I wish this was all of dream? Of course I do. I have never loved someone so much in such little time. I have learned to accept all things from God, the good and the bad.
My husband and I remain hopeful. As soon as I am physically and mentally ready, we will try again. I have researched some perinatologists in my area that specialize in cases such as mine. I went from not wanting to have any children to asking God to bless me and my husband with as many as we can handle. I had three failed pregnancies, so maybe my next pregnancy will be triplets. I am praying for acceptance of God’s will for of us. God bless!!!
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. (Matthew 5:4)
You can contact Dondelyn at firstname.lastname@example.org.