Mom to Adam
Born still June 11, 2012
Santa Clara, California
I found out I was pregnant in October 2011. I was 31 years old and this was my first, and I waited to tell everyone until December 2011, after our ultrasound, to make sure he was healthy. My pregnancy was going well until week 32 when I went in for early contractions and they found too much amniotic fluid; the level was at 26, and I was also dilated to 2 cm at this point. I was hospitalized for a few days and sent home with meds for the contractions and told to take it easy.
Once I made it to 37 weeks, I was dilated to 3 cm, and my OB said it was safe for the baby to come anytime, so I started being more active. At my 39 week appointment, 3 days before my due date, I had an ultrasound that showed the fluid level was normal now and baby looked great. My husband and I had not decided on a name yet, so we finally decided to call him Adam. My baby had been very active this whole pregnancy, but then on June 9 he slowed down significantly and I started to have a really bad back pain. The next day, June 10, I went to the hospital, since my back pain was only getting worse. Two nurses could not find my baby’s heart beat, and then a doctor came in with the ultrasound, and when I saw my baby, I knew he was gone. I was so shocked; this is not something I ever dreamed could happen to me.
My whole family rushed to the hospital. There were 8 of us in my room, crying. I was induced and Adam was born on June 11, 2012, full term and on his due date. I was not prepared to see my baby lifeless, so I could not bear to see his little body. My nurse was so kind and cleaned him and dressed him and took footprints and photos for us. She put it in an envelope and gave it to us to look at when we are ready. She told us he was beautiful. I did see him from a distance as she took him out of my room in a bassinet, and he looked so innocent and peaceful.
We had him cremated and had a memorial service which over 100 people attended. I was so honored to see so many people come and pay their respects to a baby they never knew. It’s been 3 weeks now and I still cannot bring myself to look at his picture, but I know one day I will want to see it.
We got our test results in yesterday and found out that Adam had passed due to a cord accident. He had a damaged, compressed portion to his cord, which cut of his oxygen supply. My OB, who I love, has been so supportive and gave us hope by telling us this was something very rare and unlikely to happen again. Even so, I will be monitored more closely next time around and the next baby will be delivered at 37 weeks so as not to risk anything happening In the last few weeks. She said we can try again in 3 months.
Even though I never met him, I miss Adam so much. He will always be my firstborn and I have the best memories of him moving around in my belly and seeing him on ultrasounds. He is the one that made me a mother and made me realize that life is delicate and children really are a gift. I have packed all his stuff away in the closet for now, but hope to get pregnant again really soon. The new baby will have all of Adam’s hand-me-downs and a big brother watching over him or her from Heaven.
Kathy blogs at http://www.jamesafarris.info/blog/.
You can contact her at firstname.lastname@example.org.