Lisa

Mom to an unnamed child

Lost November 6, 2011 at 10 weeks 2 days

North Stonington, Connecticut

My husband and I always knew we wanted at least two children. I always wanted them close in age. When my daughter was about 11 months old, in September 2011, we decided to try for our second child. We were lucky and excited to conceive that very first month.

With my first pregnancy, I experienced nearly all pregnancy symptoms to the point that I could barely get out of bed for the first four months. My second pregnancy was markedly different. No morning sickness, no breaking out, not even a uterine twinge I can remember. I was happy that I lucky enough to be one of the few women who could escape the negatives of pregnancy. Maybe I actually would enjoy it this time!

I went for my first OB appointment when I was 8 weeks along. Everything went fine, but I did not have an ultrasound since I knew exactly when I conceived. It was also too early for them to find a heartbeat on the Doppler. I was happy and glowing, but disappointed to know I’d only get to see my baby at the 20 week ultrasound. Sadly, that day wouldn’t come.

November 4th, 2011 started as any other day did. I was 10 weeks along. Around lunch I discovered a small amount of blood on my underwear. When I wiped, there was a little more, but still not much. I called my doctor, but they were all away for lunch. I panicked. I called my husband at work, who told me to go down the street to Urgent Care and he would meet me there.

I was bleeding more heavily by the time I undressed at Urgent Care. I was told that miscarriage is common in the first trimester, but the chances go down after about 8 weeks. They examined me and decided to give me an ultrasound there. The ultrasound tech had gone home for the day, so a doctor decided to play around with it. He spent about 20 minutes looking for my baby, but couldn’t find anything. I didn’t trust him since he was not an ultrasound tech.

I was sent to my doctor. They decided not to do another ultrasound or examination. Instead, I just got paperwork for blood work. They gave me hope that it may not be a miscarriage, but by this point, I was bleeding heavier and experiencing clotting with very bad cramping.

I spent the entire weekend on the couch, running back and forth from the bathroom. I had never seen so much blood, but even with all the pain, I still had hope. That hope was lost when I started experiencing cramping similar to labor Sunday evening. My baby finally left me.

That is the single most chilling moment of my life. I had all my hope crushed into a thousand pieces. I tell myself now that it would have been easier if the doctors had told me I was most likely having a miscarriage, but I know that wouldn’t be true. Even if I’d known ahead of time, it would not have made it any easier.

I am writing this the night before I was supposed to meet my child for the first time. Today should have been joyous, but instead, seven months later, I am still crushed. But, I do still have hope. I have hope that someday, I will meet the child I lost. I have hope that my next pregnancy will end with a happy, healthy child. I have hope that my story can help someone else. I have hope.

You can contact Lisa at carroll.lisa1988@gmail.com.

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