Mom to Kaiden Gray, stillborn November 10, 2005
Miscarriage December 2008 at 4 weeks
“Burger baby,” Madilynn, miscarried August 2010 at 6 weeks
My story begins in 2005 at the ripe young age of sixteen. I met a boy who I thought I was going to be with forever. I found out I was pregnant with my son May 10, 2005 and my life as I knew it was about to turn every way but right. His father left me when I was just three months pregnant for another girl…so it was just me and my family.
My pregnancy went well, no complications, no trouble…until October 14th, when my doctor noticed I was carrying him very low, such that you could literally lay two hands flat on my belly before you got to where I was rounded out. So she ordered an emergency ultrasound that coming Monday. I had my baby shower and went on as usual that weekend. So that Monday I go in at the end of the day and the tech looks around and me and my mom pointed out that his left hand was next to his head, and we jokingly said awe he’s going to be a lefty like his mommy. My ultrasound only lasted three minutes. I still have the video. We trusted her and went on like nothing else. November 9, way early that morning, I was lying in bed and I could roll over and just feel him drift to one side, and then I’d roll to the other side and feel the same. I thought he was just being lazy because he usually was. I go to school the next day and he didn’t move all day and I left early to go eat with my mom and aunt and she said, “You’re going to be having that baby soon!” Little did we know it would be the next day.
That night I was on an online chat room with other expecting mothers and told them about how he hadn’t moved all day and they all said call doctor. So I did, and they told me to go to the ER and get checked out. Before I left I told my dad jokingly, “We might have us a baby tonight.” (Later he told me that he had a bad feeling when I walked out the door.) I get admitted in and get in a room, waiting. The nurse gets the Doppler and starts looking for his heart beat…nothing…she then gets another nurse with another Doppler in and she tries to find it too…nothing…she then tells me that she can’t find his heartbeat and that he may be turned backwards that they’ll get the ultrasound machine in. One of the doctors from the office I use came in, ran the cold gel across my belly, pulled the screen over for me to see, points and says, “See this area here, that’s your baby’s heart. It’s supposed to be moving. I’m sorry, your baby’s dead.”…Time stood still. Those words replayed in my head, and then I just started screaming, “NO, NO, NO, NO!” My mom was crying and I just said, “Call Casey, call Casey” (his father), so she did. I remember walking across the hall to delivery room 7 and seeing nurses and other women just quietly staring at me. It was like I could see myself walking across the hall…no sound, no thoughts, just numbness…they started my IV Pitocin and nerve relaxers. They were getting ready to induce me. His father came in and all I could say to him was, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” I asked if he wanted to see him and he bluntly said, “No. If I didn’t get to see him when he was alive, why do I want to see him when he’s dead?” (He’s lucky I was drugged to the max.) I just stared and said, “Well, they asked if I wanted to do an autopsy and I refused,” and he asked why, and I said, “Because if God wants me to know what happened to him, he will let me know…” After that he left.
My mom held my hand all night as we cried to sleep together. The next day they broke my water and noticed meconium (feces) in it and thought maybe that’s what caused his passing. More than 24 hours later, I felt him descending, ready to come…at 11:48 p.m., Thursday, November 10, 2005 my beautiful 4lb 10oz, 17 inch son was born sleeping. His umbilical cord had wrapped around his body around his head and hand (the hand was on his head ) two and a half times. They rushed him away and brought him to me about two hours later. I got to hold him, kiss him, tell him I love him . And deep inside I was praying, “Please breathe, please take a sudden breath”…it never happened. He was taken away in a Moses basket, safely wrapped in a blanket. I was discharged the next day…straight from the hospital to the funeral home, where arrangements were made. His father never came to the funeral or burial. He’s laid to rest at my grandfather’s feet, where five generations now rest. He’s always in my heart and I think of him every day. I love my Kaiden.
December 2008 was an unplanned pregnancy and I suspected a pregnancy, but all my tests came back faint positive, and two weeks later I started to bleed. That lasted for two weeks. I suspected a miscarriage, but wasn’t sure and didn’t know that it was a miscarriage until I had one in August of 2010.
Our Burger Baby: My fiancé and I had decided to try for a baby, but found out that during our vacation to Panama City we had gotten our surprise. The pregnancy was confirmed in August. We were due April 14th, and I was so excited. I had a feeling it was going to be a girl and, silly me, decided to call it Madilynn. I had gotten my first appointment, but they won’t see you unless you’re at least 6 weeks (I changed doctors for sure and this doctor is a blessing). A few days before my appointment, I felt odd and went to the bathroom to find brown blood. I waited to see if it had lightened up but it only got worse. I knew what it was and I was scared, so I called my doctor and she asked me to get an ultrasound. So, I went and as I was in the bathroom getting undressed I just knew it wasn’t good. My mom came in the bathroom to check on me and I just looked at her and shook my head and just broke down. I knew, I just knew…I go in for the ultrasound and the tech can’t say anything to me about it. When she took the ultrasound wand away I saw clumps of blood. I wanted to hear it, I wanted to know. Everything was sent to my doctor’s office and I was sent there, too. As I sat in a room, she came in with sad eyes and said, “I’m sorry, but this one didn’t make it. I hate that we had to meet on these terms, but we will get to the bottom of this.” And that’s what she did. I called my fiancé with the bad news and he ran straight home and hugged me and said he loved me. We just sat and cried together…I was sent to a high-risk doctor a few weeks later and when I got there I was late and they wouldn’t see me. I thought it was over, that I’d never have babies!
In February of 2011, my fiancé and I decided to make another appointment at the high -risk doctor and get things rolling. There we found out that I had one gene mutation, MTHFR, and that all I needed to do was take a baby aspirin and extra folic acid. We decided to try one more time. On the due date of our last miscarriage, I suspected I was pregnant again and took a lot of tests, and they were all positive. We were scared. I made another appointment and there she confirmed I was indeed pregnant, but only about four weeks, and to come back in three weeks to get an ultrasound. Three weeks later my fiancé, his mother, my mom and I were ready to see our peanut. The tech ran the wand over my belly and there was a small speck. It looked like a key and she kept looking then said, “Oh, honey, I’m so sorry, it looks to not have grown.” I started shaking and balling my eyes out and praying to God, “Please, no, not again.” Everyone left the room. Then the tech said, “Well, wait, we will try the internal ultrasound and see what we get there, ok?” So, we do that and all of a sudden she goes, “Oh, look! There it is, the little heart just flickering away!” I called for everyone to come and see. We were so happy! I couldn’t stop shaking.I was over whelmed with happiness…the only thing was that my baby was measuring a week behind.
December 14, 2011 I gave birth to a healthy 6lb 11oz, 20 inch long baby girl, my blessing from God. I love all my babies and I thank God for the ones He gave me, even though I only had them for short times. It’s always for a reason and my little girl is just my everything.
You can contact Stacie at firstname.lastname@example.org.