Samatha

Mom to Joseph Gabriel (Joeby)

Born still October 14, 2009

Lancaster, Pennsylvania

It seems so long since I have shared my story; those in your everyday life tire of hearing it. As a Mommy, though, I want to share Joeby’s story as inspiration…or possibly simply for selfish reasons…either way, here is our story…

When I was 29, I needed surgery for pre-cancerous cells of the uterus. I was told that I would never be able to have another child. At that point I was already blessed with two boys, and as difficult as it was to give up the ability to have another child at a younger age, I knew that I needed to be well to care for them. Time moved on…all too quickly, as it does, and at 36 I found myself pregnant. It was a miracle! They told me I would never get pregnant, and if I did that I would never be able to carry the baby. Every doctor visit brought the same words, “Don’t get too attached, you aren’t going to carry this baby.” “How cruel,” I thought, every time they said it. Though I know they were just being realistic. It was a very high risk pregnancy and it came with many sacrifices that I gladly made. I thanked God everyday for keeping my Joeby safe and healthy in me. I talked to him continuously. Read to him.. Rubbed my belly in hopes that he could feel my love.

Beating ALL odds, I made it to 39 wks! The doctors were amazed. They said no one had ever made it full term after having the surgeries that I had. I was scheduled for a c-section as a previous cervical surgery rendered a natural birth impossible. A mere 12 hours before the surgery, Joeby passed away in utero. Saying that takes me right back to that very moment…I feel the devastation just as strongly as I did right then. My Mother said that God had chosen me to create a perfect Angel, and that I should feel blessed.  I won’t put in words my feelings toward her thoughts! I had lost my baby. My miracle. Nothing and no one could ever make that better.

I went home after hearing the news. I had to be the one to tell my youngest son. He was looking so forward to being a big brother. He was 11 at the time. My heart broke all over again with his when I told him.

I laid in bed all night just rubbing my belly and talking to Joeby. I swear I could still feel him move. At 4:30 a.m. we left for the hospital, and at 8 a.m. my perfect Angel was born. He was so beautiful.

I held him, though not long enough. It is my only regret today, that I didn’t hold him longer. I don’t know why I didn’t, but I live with that every single day.

After the c-section, my uterus literally fell apart in the doctor’s hands. He said in 30 years he had never seen anything like it. I started to hemorrhage, and could have died myself right then, though I was thinking it wouldn’t have been such a bad thing at the moment. Afterwards I was told attempting another pregnancy was not an option.

Joeby is 31 months old today. And I miss him. I miss who he would have been, what he would be learning. I miss the snuggles and giggles that we never had. I miss it everyday, though I share it almost never. On the 14th of every month I change my Facebook profile picture to one of my son and I post a poem for him.  I do it for Joeby, and for me…

Always remember…there is NO right way to grieve. There is NO “you should be here in your grief” manual…always do as you feel is right for you when trying to accept the loss of your baby…after all, it is your pain, and it is like no other’s. Expect understanding, demand patience…from others, as well as yourself.

Thank you. It’s nice to talk about my Angel Baby.

You hear everyone say “life goes on”, and so, it does…though it doesn’t feel like that at first…or for a very long time after…but, trust that there are wonderful times to be had, and precious memories to be made, and yes, at the end of the day, I do in fact find some comfort in knowing that my Joseph Gabriel is a perfect Angel, and that it is an amazing gift that God chose me to carry him.

You can contact Samatha at mrsaronireland@gmail.com.

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Comments

  1. Samatha, I am so sorry for your loss. My son was stillborn on 9/12/00. I have said a prayer for you that God would bring you healing, and that you would hold your baby again in heaven one day.

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