Ashley

Mom to Sweet Angel Baby

Died on April 18, 2011 due to early miscarriage at 5 weeks

Indian Trail, North Carolina

My husband and I have been together for 11 years and married for 5 of them and we always knew we wanted children.  We officially stopped “NOT” trying in February 2011, and on April 2, 2011 we discovered we were in fact pregnant.  I took 5 pregnancy tests to be sure.  We were definitely preggo. I had already scheduled a doctor’s appointment for that Monday so it seemed everything was just falling into place.  The doctor confirmed we were pregnant and told us she would see us again the later part of May for my first ultrasound.  Sadly, we never made it that far.

A couple weeks following my doctor’s appointment, I was at work when I went to the bathroom and wiped brown blood, just a little bit.  My co-workers convinced me that was pretty normal, but that I should watch it.  Two days later that brown turned into bright red and I was in the restroom at church when it occurred to me that this was not going to end well.  I called the triage nurse, and she told me to put my feet up and come in the next day.  My mother drove with me that awful morning to my doctor because my husband was unable to and they brought me right back to the ultrasound room, which might I add had the walls covered with pictures of babies, other people’s beautiful babies.  By this point I knew what she was going to find.  It truly engulfed me immediately that there was my sweet angel inside of me and all at once she was gone from me.  I of course have no idea if she was an actual “she”, but I have always had a feeling.  The tech did an internal ultrasound which was equally devastating and she told me she take some pictures and then tell me what she saw.  She finished and rested her hand on my shoulder and told me that “sometimes this is how nature works, and there is nothing that I could have done or not done to prevent it.”  Those words were actually somewhat helpful.

I was put into an exam room, and my doctor asked me if I wanted a D&C or medication to assist the miscarriage.  I chose the medication, and after blood work I was released to pick up my prescriptions and go home.  Telling my husband the news that we both already expected was harder than I thought. 

The next 4 days were in and out the worst days I’ve ever had and the day I “lost” my baby was the breaker.  Losing those you love is a part of this life.  I know this, and I remind myself of it regularly; however, the loss of a baby that you never knew you wanted so badly from inside of your own body is indescribable.  Those who have experienced this loss of life will never be the same.  People told me it would get better, that one day I would not cry as much as the last.  It does get better, with each passing day, but it never goes away.  Days that are harder for me are the usual suspects…Mother’s Day, my due date, my angel’s loss date (just a year ago on 4/18/12) and my birthday.

My husband and I want to try again, and I’m just getting used to the idea that I might be strong enough to give it another go.  I was able to force back the tears long enough to ask my nurse at my final check-up appointment for my ultrasound pictures and I’m so glad I did…they are my treasures.

The most comforting thought is my baby is waiting to meet me in Heaven.  I know I’ll see her face, smell her skin, kiss her cheek and tell her how much I’ve missed her in my life.  But for now, I know God is taking good care of her and when I need to feel close to her, I pull out my memory box full of her memories and that always seems to help.  

Thank you and have a blessed day!

You can contact Ashley at ams0127@aol.com.

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