Mom to an unnamed baby, lost at 8 weeks gestation
“Angel”, lost May 7, 2009 at 8.5 weeks gestation
My name is Alex and I am the proud Mommy of 2 angels.
Baby 1 was my first loss and I never had the chance to have an ultrasound. All I had was the pregnancy test. This was my very 1st pregnancy and it was really hard to deal with. I was about 8 weeks pregnant, estimated, when I started bleeding really bad. It was gone.
Next was my baby girl. Her loss was my hardest for me. I would’ve been either 13 weeks or 6 weeks. I went in for my first ultrasound on May 5th, 2009 and as the tech looked I couldn’t look at anything but the screen with the image of my little one shining so bright on it. I looked at my mom and I remember saying, “It’s a baby, mom,” and she just stood there looking at it and then me with this look on her face. I shrugged it off at the moment because I had no idea of what was coming. The tech looked for quite some time and then left the room. I was still so mesmerized by the baby on the screen, my baby, that I barely noticed until the doctor came in and started looking more. Then I knew something was up.
The doctor was puzzled and asked, “How far should you be?” Since the father and I had been trying I knew the exact dates and so I clarified that I’d be either 13 weeks or 6 weeks. He looked at my baby for a little while longer and said, “Your baby is measuring at 8.5 weeks, and there is no heart beat.” I went numb, inside and out. He went on to explain that after fetuses pass they can shrink a lot over a small amount of time, and due to the big time/size difference, he wanted me to have a D&C to make sure I don’t have an infection since it was probably dead for about the last 2.5 weeks. He wanted to do it right away but I wasn’t ready…I wanted a few moments left with what I had. The D&C was scheduled for Thursday May 7th, 2009, 2 days later.
We went home and I cried all night. I was still a senior in high school at the time so I went to school the 2 days and it hurt having to explain to everyone what had happened. That Thursday I left school early and went to the hospital attached to my doctor’s office and they got me all prepped and taken care of. Before it I was in this zone of surrealism. It still hadn’t quite hit me that my baby was gone. When I woke up from anesthesia, my mom and the father were sitting by me and all I remember was looking at them and saying, “The baby is gone,” and crying harder than I’ve ever cried before.
The next 5 days were the roughest, even past the D&C. I wish it had just ended with that. When I left the hospital the doctor warned me that I should have some light spotting probably pinkish in color for a few days and that I’d be crampy. The first day went by without any recognition. The next was Mother’s Day, May 9th. It was the worst Mothers Day I’ve ever had, but still no change. The third day the cramping started, and it wasn’t minor. It felt like I was being ripped to pieces. The 4th day I was at school but my pain was so bad that my mom made another appointment to find out why it was so painful. He checked me out and said that it was probably a minor infection and put me on antibiotics and sent me home. I wanted the pain to just end…but I wasn’t ready for what was to come when it did.
The 5th day after my D&C, I woke up to get ready for school and to my amazement the pain was gone. I was happy to be able to relax…for that moment. I got out of bed and went to the bathroom, and was shocked at what I found. There in my underwear was the cause of my bad pain…the doctor had left half of my precious baby girl in me. She had been lodged in my cervix for those few days. I picked her up and examined her to make sure that what I was seeing was what I knew it to be, and sure enough it was. It’s because of that moment that I know she’s a girl at all…I broke down so hard, I didn’t know what to do. I was so out of it I just went to school but never paid much attention. I wasn’t able to do anything special with her and to this day that hurts me deep down. I had tossed around some names for her, but couldn’t decide on one, so she’s just my Angel Baby Girl Brooks… I celebrate what would’ve been her birthday, November 13th, every year in honor for my fallen angel…
Since this, I have split up with her father, and am now currently in an almost 2-year relationship with a wonderful guy. We just had a beautiful daughter 6.5 months ago, Stephanie Noel, and she is perfectly healthy and amazing. We do want to try for another eventually in the future, and as most moms of miscarriages, there is that constant fear it’ll happen again, so I won’t be ready to try anytime soon. I think about my angel almost every day, and even try to picture her face, and although she’s not here now to be the big sister or to feel my love, I know that one day we will all be reunited in Heaven and she will be the best big sister and most beautiful daughter… I love you baby girl, I’ll see you one day soon.
You can contact Alex at firstname.lastname@example.org.