Tori

Mom to five angels

Two early losses: June 29, 1991 and January 17, 2006

Three at 15-16 weeks gestation:

Brinlee, D&C January 15, 2010
Matthew, miscarried at home July 25, 2010
Paislee, miscarried at home May 10, 2011

Nunnelly, Tennessee

My first miscarriage was after my first child was born. I didn’t even realize I was pregnant. It took six long weeks of heavy bleeding to get over it. I got pregnant again the very next month. It was a healthy, full term baby boy. That pregnancy was followed by two more healthy, full term pregnancies, a girl and a boy.

After the 5th pregnancy, I was led to believe that a tubal ligation was what needed to be done. Not by my husband, I might add. Seven years later (2005) I finally had it reversed. It took 8 months, but I finally got pregnant! Exactly one week after I found out I was pregnant, I started bleeding. I passed that baby (1/17/06) at home without any problems. I found out in April that I was pregnant again. I was scared, but optimistic. I delivered a full term baby 3 weeks early (12/27/06). Cute as a button! Welcome baby boy!

I became pregnant again in 2008. I started spotting early on. They determined it was nothing and showed us the baby’s heartbeat. He was born 3 weeks early on the day before Thanksgiving (2008). Early November 2009 I found out we were expecting again. I was thrilled! Christmas came and went, New Year’s came and went. Then I started bleeding. I didn’t freak out. I was counting on it being a repeat of the last pregnancy. But, it wasn’t. I was 15 weeks pregnant. The baby died at 10 weeks. I figured it was gone even before Christmas. I was devastated. I spent a lot of time praying. My heart was broken. I had had a D&C to remove the baby. I regret that decision even to this day. It gives me nightmares. I continued to pray. I prayed for the knowledge of what gender the baby was. We didn’t know. One night, as I was perusing the internet, I heard a voice whisper to me the name Brinlee. This was about two months after I lost the baby. I took that to mean that the baby had been a girl, and her name was to be Brinlee.

I became pregnant again. I found out in April. I was not very excited. I was scared out of my mind that this would be another loss. On July 5th, I passed a milestone. It was the due date of my last baby. I was so grateful to be pregnant at that time. It helped ease my sorrow. But, it was short lived. On the 25th I passed that baby, too. I named him Matthew. He appeared to be a boy. He had lived until 11 weeks. I had carried him until 15 weeks. I was several months before I became pregnant again. I found out on February 2, 2011, Groundhog Day here in the States. I was ecstatic, but again scared. I went in for my first visit and had bloodwork done. All normal. Then the following month, at 12 weeks, I heard the baby’s heartbeat on the Doppler. I cried. I was amazed. It seemed a miracle! I had never heard the other babies’ heartbeats.

I came back the following month for routine check-up. I was 16 weeks. I was feeling off about it, cynical even. There was no heartbeat. I had an ultrasound. Baby had died. It measured at 12 weeks. My baby had died the same week we heard the heartbeat.

I don’t have any reasons for my losses. They are unexplained. I am still trying to have just one more baby, my healer, the one who will fill my broken heart. Will another baby erase the memories of my lost little ones? No. But it will fill the void they left behind.

My last two babies are buried under the red bud tree in our front yard. I can look out at their resting spot every day. The tree was planted as a memorial for the first two babies I had lost.

Tori blogs at http://matryoshkamama.blogspot.com.

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Comments

  1. Jess says:

    Thank you for sharing your story. I am 26 and have had 5 miscarriages.. Knowing that there are others that have experienced the same heartbreak and also had healthy full term babies gives me back some hope that eventually it will be my turn to have my healthy full term baby. Thank you again and I am truely sorry for all of the pain and loss that you have experienced but so happy for you that you have tour healthy children to bring you comfort and show us all that that there is a.reason for hope no matter how unsure of it we may be.

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