Ashley

Mom to Teddy
Lost November 25, 2009

and

Minka, lost June 8, 2011

West Deptford, New Jersey

My name is Ashley, I am 26 years old, and I am the mother of two Angel Babies. ♥ ♥

I found out I was pregnant with my first baby on November 4, 2009. Right from the start the doctors told me I was miscarrying, but I still held out hope. They said my baby was low in my uterus. My body was pushing it out. Something about the dates and sizes of my baby didn’t seem to match up at all. I know they say this sometimes happens, but mine were really off. But then at one appointment, the doctors called me an ‘enigma’ because my baby re-implanted itself up higher in my uterus. I heard its heart beating that day ♥ My due date was July 16th, 2010. For my next appointment, my pains were so awful I had them bring me in. The portable ultrasound machine was blurry. They asked me to come back in the morning for another ultrasound on the big machine. I did. My baby’s heart was no longer beating.

On November 25th, 2009, I miscarried my first baby at around 6 weeks. I was rushed in for a D&C that day. After a week of pains and bleeding, I forced them to bring me in again. They did an exam and an ultrasound. They’d left everything, including fetal tissue, inside. I was rushed in for another D&C that night. Looking back and researching now, I believe that pregnancy was a partial molar. Something wasn’t right from the start, and you could see in the ultrasound my baby was shaped like a snowflake, a tell-tale sign of partial molar. I still have not stopped grieving my first baby. I always thought, “Next time I get pregnant, it will be this same baby because it fought to stay inside. I only lost the shell of the baby. Not its soul.” Well…

I found out I was pregnant with my second baby on April 13, 2011. I went in for a pelvic laparoscopy, to remove scar tissue built up in my uterus from my 2 previous D&Cs. I took the pre-op pregnancy test and it came back positive!! I hadn’t even missed my cycle yet, it was due the next day. I had no idea my baby was in there! But I was scared, both from my pains, and having scar tissue, but mostly because I was still scarred from my first miscarriage. Obviously, I was sent home and couldn’t get my surgery. But I was so happy and honestly was in a state of shock. My doctor said instead of him going in and cutting the scar tissue, the baby would stretch me out and ultimately the scar tissue would snap apart and break itself. I thought, “Whatever this baby needs to do to grow, do it.” I was 3 weeks and 5 days pregnant. My hCG levels rose quickly, my baby was up high in my uterus, exactly where it should be. Things were looking great. My due date was December 23, 2011. My birthday!! How perfect?! A baby born on my birthday!! Or even around my birthday?! That would be the absolute BEST present ever!! My little Christmas baby. I had plans to take pictures of my baby in the Christmas stocking they handed me to my mom in. I couldn’t wait!!

Now, for this pregnancy I had a new doctor, since the old doctors handled my first pregnancy terribly. He was good, he ran tests, and things I didn’t even know to worry and ask questions about. As a precaution, my doctor tested my progesterone level. It was low. I panicked, but started taking the Prometrium right away. I started at 100mg, but soon I was taking 300mg per day. My levels skyrocketed and I felt better. Then, as a precaution, my doctor started me on a baby aspirin regimen. I took one 81mg baby aspirin per day, to prevent tiny blood clots. I felt protected. I was doing everything I could medicine-wise, including taking my prenatals and my DHA tablet every day. I never missed a day.

All of the ultrasounds showed my baby was growing PERFECTLY. It was amazing watching it grow! I never saw these amazing growths in my first baby; it was gone before it even had a chance. My doctors would always reassure me that this pregnancy was going exactly how it should, and that I should relax since I was worried about miscarrying again. I started believing them. I went in for a regular check up at my gyno on June 1, 2011. The midwife tried to hear the heartbeat with a Doppler, since the office does not have ultrasound machines, but she couldn’t find it. I was 10 weeks 5 days, so she said it was completely normal. Baby was still tiny she said, could still be low in my pelvic bone. I felt a weird ache where she had been pushing the Doppler, and that ache stayed after I left. That night I had a complete breakdown while on the phone with my ex boyfriend. He was the father of this baby, and he was also the father of my first baby. We were no longer together and had been off and on for years. I loved this man. But he did not want to be involved. He was scared, he said. But my baby deserved a father. So I was trying everything I could. I cried hard for 2 hours, so the next day I still had that ache from the Doppler, and more achiness from what I thought was from crying. I was still completely worried about not hearing the heartbeat, but felt reassured once everyone told me not to worry, that it happens all the time, my baby was still tiny, so it was okay that I didn’t hear the heartbeat. And the achiness was from the baby stretching my uterus out, making more room to grow. GOOD! PERFECT! Stretch me out, please!!! I don’t care if it hurts!! I, for some reason, believed them.

Well, on June 7th, 2011 I went in for my NT scan. I was 11 weeks 4 days. I was so excited to see my little bean and prayed that it was healthy. I couldn’t wait to see all the progress it had made! I researched like a maniac on what to look for. I even drank orange juice that morning to make my baby extra wiggly. The tech turned the machine on, and eventually made her way to my baby after looking at my boring ovaries for what felt like forever. That’s when I saw my baby. First thing in my mind was “It’s tiny…” The tech didn’t say anything, so I asked her, “Do you see the heartbeat?”, still worried from not hearing it with the Doppler. I was staring at my baby’s chest trying to see it flicker. But I couldn’t see it. I thought maybe I was just wrong. That’s when she responded “No, I’m sorry. I do not.” I BROKE DOWN.

She told me my baby only measured 10 weeks 6 days. It had stopped growing 6 days before, and I didn’t even know it. My baby stopped growing the day after I sobbed and cried on the phone with my ex. NO! Now I feel as though my baby died feeling sad, unwanted, and unloved. And I swear on my life, that was NOT the case. How could I let another one of my babies down? How? My baby tried getting my attention by causing those pains, but I brushed them, off letting everyone convince me it was all normal and fine! Why did I ignore my baby’s cries for attention?! Why? The tech printed out pictures because I begged for them.. I had to have the last photos of my baby. I had to.

That day they scheduled my D&C for the next morning. And I was literally beside myself, in shock. It all felt like a terrible nightmare. I felt numb. How could this happen to me again? How?

After the surgery, my baby was sent out for chromosomal and genetic testing. My doctor told me it seems as though my body just can’t hold a baby. I don’t even know how to feel about that right now. Losing this second baby, which I had convinced myself in my crazy mind had the same soul as my first baby. This has completely ruined me. I don’t even ever want to get pregnant again. No.

I blame myself for losing both of my babies. I’m still unsure about what actually happened to my first baby. The doctors I had for that pregnancy were absolutely awful. Like I said, that pregnancy was a partial molar I believe, from the shape of my baby, to the dates and sizes not matching up, to requiring two D&Cs. That pregnancy still seems like such a mystery to me. But I’ve never let myself not feel guilty, I still think about my first baby every day. It will always be my first. And I loved it from the second the doctors told me it was in there. My second pregnancy seemed beyond perfect. My doctors were so pleased with my baby’s progress. Even though I was taking the Prometrium and the baby aspirin and had been put on 2 short bed rests from light spotting, everything seemed as it should. The doctors were just being extra careful since I suffered from the first miscarriage. No one was concerned. And I actually started feeling confident. I told more people than I should have, but I couldn’t help it. I was proud. I was excited. I was in love with that baby inside of me. Then boom. Just like that, God took another one of my babies…too soon.

The doctors ran tests on my second lost baby and what came back was that she was a female, and there was low level mosaicism in her DNA. As for my fertility at this point, my doctors are not sure I will ever be able to carry a baby successfully. There are more tests that I should have run on my body and my DNA in order to see if there is ever a chance of my having a child on my own. But honestly, I cannot bear to go through those tests right now. I am petrified of the answer. So I may never be able to experience the joys and miracles of pregnancy and birth. This breaks my heart.

Now I am the proud, but completely shattered, mother of two angel babies ♥ ♥ When I lost my first baby, half of my heart disappeared with it. Now that I’ve lost my second baby, it took the other half of my heart. I feel empty. I feel hopeless. I feel ashamed. I would give anything in the world to have my babies back. Anything. I swear I would have done it right. They were more loved than they will ever know. And I will never be whole again. I will never be right…I miss my babies, but now they are my angels & I hope and pray that they are together in Heaven and that they know they will always have my heart. ♥

Ashley named her first baby Teddy, meaning “Gift of God,” because baby looked like a Teddy Graham in the sonogram picture.

Her second baby’s name, Minka, means “Strong and resolute,” and was chosen because her baby was a fighter.

You can contact Ashley at avs1223@yahoo.com.

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