Sarah

Mom to Dillan

Lost October 26, 2010

Whitfield, New Hampshire

I was told by my OBGYN that it would be very difficult to get pregnant. This was a difficult thing to hear but didn’t worry me too much at this point since I was 19 years old and wasn’t planning on having children any time soon, but wanted children in my future. My doctor had informed me that I would have to undergo surgery to have the chance of having children one day. I got scheduled for surgery and everything went as planned. The surgery took place in late June 2010. My boyfriend and I were very happy that the surgery went well and that one day we would be able to have children together, and also very happy about my speedy recovery.

Early September 2010 I woke up with this gut feeling that I could not shake. My roommate had 2 pregnancy tests in the cabinet and I felt the need to use one. I looked down to see the (+) sign and was in shock. Although, I had not planned on getting pregnant, I had. A smile shot across my face and took the second test to just double check that I was pregnant, I was.

I called my doctor as soon as her office opened and scheduled an appointment. It was official and I could not wait to tell my family and boyfriend. I was about to have my own family and a child that we could share unconditional love. Things were rocky at first, people talked poorly about me due to my age, but nothing mattered except my little munchkin growing in my belly.

Months had passed and ultrasounds showed a healthy baby growing. Listening to my child’s heartbeat was the most amazing feeling in the world. I was so excited and we had finally decided on a baby boy’s name, Dillan. We hadn’t talked about girls names yet…there was plenty of time for that.

On what planned to be a fun trip to a Bass Pro Shop a couple of hours away from home things went down hill. A long story short, I started to bleed and got rushed to the hospital. After many hours in the hospital with my boyfriend by my side everything checked out. My ultrasound was good, heartbeat was strong and being a little over 3 months, not being certain the doctors believed that my baby was a little boy. The feeling of relief was overwhelming. I was so excited and Dillan was growing strong. We ended up the long trip home where I was to be put on bed rest.

On the ride home the most dreadful thing happened, I lost Dillan. I spent the night in the hospital where the doctors and nurses were so kind and caring. Nothing could take away the pain and heartache I was feeling, but they tried their best.

The next few days were awful, I had nightmares every night and did a lot of research on how to cope with losing Dillan. It isn’t something that was easy and I didn’t think I would ever be able be the same fun loving 19 year old again. My life was flipped upside down. I found many different coping methods that I had tried including, keeping a journal, planting a tree in Dillans memory, talking to loved ones, and many more, but nothing seemed to help.

My boyfriend took me on a trip to a local fun town to get me out of the house and try to put that fun loving smile on my face that he hadn’t seen in almost 2 weeks. We went to a humane society where I found the one thing that made me smile again. Dilly, a half breed maine coon kitten. As soon as I picked him up I could tell that he would be the one thing to make me feel not alone. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me since that awful day. He saved my life.

Dillan was a healthy baby boy growing in my weak uterus. Due to the surgery and timing that I had gotten pregnant the doctors believe that as he grew my uterus weakened and could not support him any longer. Things happen for a reason, that is what I am told. I sadly have not learned that reason but am so grateful for the caring, loving people and Dilly (my companion) that have blessed my life.

To all mothers of the angels in heaven, this is something that you can’t just get over and something that will change your life forever.  Just know that you are not alone in this. Everyone copes in their own way, I found mine and I pray that you will find yours. Talking about it and not being ashamed of what happened is the first step to recovering.

Postscript: Last night Dilly (my companion that had saved me from myself) was shot by my neighbor, the bullet is lodged by his heart. We rushed him to the vet where they are doing everything they can to save his life. The vet there saw my despair and asked if I was okay. I told her the story of Dilly and why he means so much to me. She had gone through the same thing and like me all she has is her pets. Before leaving the vets office she gave me this website and told me to share my story and to read others, at this point I need all the help and support I can get. I don’t know how to deal with losing my little boy… again.

You can contact Sara at BiadaszSarah@gmail.com.