Mom to Baby Angel

Lost March 27, 2012 at 9 weeks

Watertown, New York

I found out I was pregnant with my second child on February 9, 2012. I had wanted to have another child for a while now; my daughter will be turning 4 at the end of April so it had been a year or two since I wanted to try. I do a daycare in my house. I’m around kids all day I just love them and wanted my child to have a brother or sister.

My husband and I were not exactly trying to get pregnant but definitely where not “not” trying. So, the day after I was supposed to get my period I took a test. My period is never late so just by being late one day I just knew. So I took the test and it looked like a negative, and I looked at it again about ten minutes later and sure enough it showed a big positive! I was so excited I can’t even describe how excited I was! I had wanted this for so long and it finally happened! I found out at about 5 weeks. So I called and made my first appointment and started telling family.  Usually they say most people should wait a few weeks or even until after 12 weeks, but I was so excited I just couldn’t not tell people, and also there were about 9 family members and friends pregnant at the same time between my family’s side and my husband’s, so I just wanted to share my great news with everyone! The next few weeks seemed like the best ever! Talking about what we would have, how our daughter would be a great big sister! How my parents would have 7 grandkids! How holidays would be with 2kids!!! What we would need to buy what the baby would look like. Just pure excitement on my end! 

I wish sick with my first daughter, I mean the normal morning (all day, all night) sickness during pregnancy, getting sick maybe one or twice a day depending on what I ate or smelled, but it went away right around the start of the 2ndtrimester, but with this one it was a lot different. I was very sick, I had such a bad week that for like three days straight I couldn’t hardly keep water down, I was puking at least 6 to 10 times a day if not more on those three days. My body was in so much pain from my stomach hurting from the muscles well I got sick, to my stomach hurting from being so hungry to my whole body from being just so exhausted. And the rest of the few weeks I was still really sick I could manage a few days here and there that where “ok” meaning only getting sick like 2 to 5 times a day but actually being able to get a meal in during the day I may have puked it back up but at least being able to eat something.  The bad week I could barely even eat anything at all, not even a cracker hardly, the only thing I could sometimes manage to keep down was pears.

 I had made my apt with my baby doctor but in my town there is a short supply of baby doctors and a lot of pregnant women I guess. So my appointment was booked but not till I was 14 weeks along and at this point I was 9 weeks and need to get in somewhere, hoping someone would give me something for being so sick. (Some friends told me their doctors had given them stuff when they were nonstop puking because it isn’t good for you and the baby.) So I made an appointment at another doctor’s, got in on March 8th and they wouldn’t give me anything because the doctor said I had a fever and I had the flu, but did an ultrasound just to check. I saw the baby and he said everything was fine, so scheduled me for my blood work. I was so mad, how can you say I have the flu when I have been puking all day everyday for almost 3 weeks? That isn’t the flu. But they wouldn’t give me anything so I went to do my blood work the following Monday on March 12th.The doctor never called me to tell me anything about my blood work.

The doctor’s office scheduled me an ultrasound for March 27th and that’s the day my life changed… My husband my daughter and I went in for the ultrasound. I was so excited…it would be the first time my husband got to see our baby since I got to see the baby at the ultrasound the doctor did on the 8th of March.  So we go in, the lady turns the screen so we can see and I see the baby –  little, but I did see it –  and I remember her doing the thing where she listens to the heartbeat and normally you see the little waves going across and hear something. This time, I saw no waves and heard nothing. She instantly said, “Ok, you can talk with your doctor,” and had us leave. I knew… I just knew something was wrong.

I called the doctor when I got into the car and they said come in at 1. This was at 11:30. I knew something was wrong and they wanted to make me wait. I was so mad. So my husband, my mother and I went in at1:00. The doctor comes in and tells me I was 12 weeks along and the baby only measuring just about 9 weeks and had no heartbeat. We had lost the baby. I honestly think and feel I lost part of myself in that room that day. I have never in my life felt such heartbreak. I knew by the look on his face even before he told me I knew by the nurse and I just knew by the ultrasound. They had told me my baby was gone and that I had to make a decision right now whether I wanted to go through the miscarriage at home or have a D&C. I couldn’t talk, all I could do was cry on my husband’s shoulder, praying, praying so hard this was just a dream. I was sad, mad, angry, confused, pissed off, heartbroken and just broken in general. They left the room for a few minutes. Well, I cried with my husband and mother. I remember my husband and mother talking about how a D&C would be better so I wouldn’t have to feel the pain of that at home on top of the emotional pain of losing my baby. The doctor came back in. I couldn’t look at him, I just had my head down and said. “I will do it, just not today.” They scheduled it for that Friday, 3 days away. They did some blood work and the nurse started telling me that when I had my blood work done on Monday, March 12th that my hormone levels were off and that it is a sign of miscarriage. I just didn’t understand why they didn’t call me and tell me that they knew this was going to happen or possibly going to happen. They also told me that I probably lost the baby a few days after the blood work. Like I said, I just don’t understand why they didn’t let me know this was going to happen if they knew…maybe then I wouldn’t have been carrying around my not alive child inside me for weeks. For those weeks that I didn’t know, I bonded even more and planned even more. My heart was just broken!

I remember going home and getting into bed and just feeling so lost. I wanted it to be a dream. I wanted to pretend it didn’t happen because the thought of my child who I was already in love with being gone just didn’t seem like an option to me. My head was spinning around in circles and my mind was just gone. I remember crying so much I remember crying myself to sleep every night. The night before my D&C I actually didn’t even want to go to bed. I was walking around my house just trying to find something to keep my mind off the fact that I was so tired and had to go to bed, but I knew what would be happening when I woke up in the morning and I just couldn’t stand the thought. I remember waking up that morning of my D&C and getting my daughter ready to go to my parents’ to spend the day with my dad and just crying. I was so thankful that I had her…so thankful for her and yet so angry for losing my baby. I think the worst part for me was when I woke up after the D&C, and just knowing the baby was actually gone made this whole thing I prayed was a dream really a reality!

I remember not wanting to leave the hospital after the D&C because I just didn’t want to face everyone out there yet. I didn’t blame anyone for what happened .I know these things happen for a reason, but I was just so angry. I am still just so angry! I waited so long for what I wanted and then when I got it, it was taken away from me! Taken away too early, too fast.

The pain after my surgery was horrible. For about 4 days my stomach felt like I was beaten, which didn’t help, the physical pain on top of the emotional pain was just so much to deal with.  I have my good moments and my bad moments just like most people. A day doesn’t go by that I don’t just think about the baby at least 100 times, it’s like sometimes I just forget I’m not pregnant anymore and then the heartbreak hurts more. I know someday in time it will get easier, but right now…it just doesn’t seem that way. Every day I try and smile a little more for my daughter. She needs me to be a strong mommy.  It has been two weeks today since I found out I lost my baby… I will never forget the child that I fell in love with instantly. He/she will always have a place in my heart forever and ever…

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  1. Stefanie says:

    Andrea, our experiences have so many similarities. I miscarried at 13 weeks, but they said the heartbeat stopped at 8, right after I got to hear it, apparently. My husband and I had been married 11 years, and this was our first and only pregnancy. We have one treasure, our precious daughter we adopted born 6 years ago. She was 4 when I miscarried. I did not think I would ever get pregnant, and that was fine. Adoption totally fulfilled me, but since my miscarriage, I have deeply desired to get pregnant again. I mourn my baby and miss her daily. My older daughter would have been such a wonderful big sister. I want you to know my heart hurt for you as I read your story, and I am so, so sorry for your tremendous loss.

  2. Angelic Cloud says:

    Andrea, Reading your story brings me to tears because our experiences are very similiar and everything you are feeling I am still going throught as well. I miscarried at 12 weeks, but was told that her heart stopped at 10 weeks 6 days. All of this happend to us in December and my D&C was on Dec 19th, 2 days after my 8 years old daughter birthday. I can totally relate to all the feeling you are having about wanting your baby for so long and then getting it and having it taken way. I still feel that way. This weekend would have been my baby shower and than in June my due date. I wish there was a time frame where this would not hurt so bad but there isn’t and all we can do is rely on God to hold up when we can’t hold ourselves. Keep close to family who loves you and know that you are not walking though this alone. There are others like you and I who are grieving the loss of a baby we never knew but bonded with. You are in my thoughts and prayers and I’m so so sorry for your loss.

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