Mom to Easton
Born sleeping March 5, 2012
We had been married a full month when we found out we were pregnant with our “honeymoon” baby. We were both so excited and kind of surprised it happened that soon. (I had been married before and we had unexplained fertility and a miscarriage). I was apprehensive but eased up after the first 3 months. We had 4 ultrasounds and each one the doctors told us everything was fine and they showed us our perfect little boy each time. I nicknamed him ninja monkey, because he jumped around like a little ninja monkey. He also hid his face each time the tech would try and get us a picture of him. I instantly fell in love with him. His little feet and hands were moving around in there and he was perfect.
I had contractions at about 26 weeks, the doctors observed overnight and sent me home saying that they were mild and I had to take it easy. At 29 weeks I had cramping pain and contractions and went back to labor and delivery. They gave me a shot to stop the contractions and said his heartbeat rate was normal and sent me home, again telling me to stay hydrated and rest.
About 4 days later, I wasn’t feeling my normally active little guy moving, I got scared and thought I will call the doctor’s office in the morning. That night I went into labor, little did I know. I was having contractions every 15 minutes. My Husband and I went to the Doctor’s office and the Doctor couldn’t find his heartbeat with the doppler. Usually, as soon as they put the doppler on my belly, we could hear his little heart like a choo choo train. She tried for what seemed like 5 minutes. I just started to cry. I tried to keep my hopes up, but I had a bad feeling. We went to ultrasound and when I saw him on the screen and no heartbeat, no movement, it was like someone ripped my heart out. I seriously wanted to melt into that table. Everything is sort of a blur from there. Thank god for my husband. He kept it together, better than I ever imagined. We had our son Easton on March 5th, my dad’s birthday. He had died due to the cord being wrapped tightly around his neck. The cord kinked and cut off his oxygen.
The only way I can describe this is, it was the best and worst moment of my life. I got to see and hold this beautiful baby boy that I had been dreaming about for 7 months. He was perfect and looked just like his daddy. He had my fingers and toes. I have never loved anything so much. The worst moment, as you can guess, was that I had to say goodbye to my baby boy. I wouldn’t get to hold him again. I wouldn’t get to hold his hand, rock him or snuggle him. He was born an Angel. A perfect Angel.
We had a small funeral with family members and it was such a nice service. Our Minister did such a nice service. We were able to find a plot close to my husband’s sister who had died 3 days after she was born, 33 years ago. The fact that he was close to his Aunt Jenelle was comforting. We took time the 2 weeks after he was born and spent time holding each other, crying and talking about whatever came to mind. I really don’t know if we spent more than 30 min away from each other in those 2 weeks. I believe that is how we dealt with everything. If one of us was having a hard time the other was the strong one. Being able to talk about whatever feelings I was having helped me greatly. I feel I’m so blessed to be married to someone so amazing and caring.
Now, we are faced with life as we know it. We had such big plans for this little guy. Dreams and hopes. We came home without our baby though. I have met such positive people in this journey. People that have suffered loss and in a strange way, it made them a better person. Easton, my son, has done this for me. I believe he can see me from Heaven. I want him to see me and be proud of me. I know I will not be able to be strong every day. But, I try every day to make my son proud of me I have suffered from depression before and vowed that I do not want my son to see me that way. Allowing myself to fall into that deep dark place, won’t bring my son back to me. So I fight everyday to stay positive. Some days it works and others, not so much. But, I know that the dark clouds do not stick around forever.
I think even though people do not mean to upset me, they do. I have never been a fan of pity. Now I almost get offended when someone gives me the pity look. I am proud of my family. My husband and I are parents to an Angel, it’s not how we imagined it, but we are proud of him anyway. We have a perfect son. If we have more children, they will know about their brother Easton and we will share his pictures and tell them about how much we love him. Easton lives in our hearts forever.
I am the face of loss. I will carry my son with me forever, in my heart.
“My love will fly to you each night on Angel’s wings.”
Dawn can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.