Mom to Samuel Joseph
February 21, 2012
I don’t think I need to tell anyone how exciting the moment you find out you are pregnant is. You immediately begin planning your child’s life, what the nursery will look like, where he will grow up, what kind of parent you will be. You find complete joy in sharing the news with family and friends. You start shopping for cute little outfits, toys and books. You immediately feel a kind of love you have never felt before. You worry about your child every day. Is he safe and sound in his little cocoon? Are you doing everything you can do to protect him? You count the days until you are through the first trimester. You breathe a sigh of relief when you make it past that point and your chance of losing your precious little one drops to 1%. Never in a million years did I think we would be that statistic, that 1%. I was busy blissfully enjoying every moment of my pregnancy, every little movement and kick I was feeling, every little inch my belly would grow.
What should have been filed under best moments of my life, “Pink or Blue Day” also known as the 20 week anatomy scan will now be filed under absolute worst moment. We only spent a few minutes with the ultrasound tech before she made up an excuse to leave the room. What was probably only a few minutes felt like a lifetime before the doctor entered the room. It’s all a blur looking back on it, but he put the wand back on my belly and continued to look at the screen while asking a lot of questions, then putting down the wand I heard the words I will never forget, “There’s no easy way to tell you this, but your baby does not have a heartbeat”. Surprisingly, I remained calm, I did not cry. I listened to everything he said and was even able to ask questions. The baby was measuring 20 weeks on the spot, everything looked okay with the exception of one very important thing, a heartbeat. Two weeks earlier I had heard the sweet thump thump on the doppler at my regular ob appointment. How could there just be nothing now?
Decisions needed to be made. We could either choose to deliver the baby which could take anywhere from 12 -36 hours of labor and delivery or have a surgical procedure called D&E which would only take 30 minutes under anesthesia. I couldn’t bear the thought of delivering my baby only to never bring him home with us so I opted for surgery. In hindsight and after reading many stories of other women’s losses I question myself and my decision. Did I let my little one down? I will never hold my sweet baby. I will never know if he had my little nose and my husband’s cute dimple like I’ve dreamed of. My only memories will be the feelings I felt during my pregnancy, the sweet sound of his heartbeat and the precious few flips and kicks I felt in the days before he left us. I’ve come to accept this guilt as part of the grieving process.
Everything doesn’t happen for a reason, sometimes it just happens. Even though I thought we would have to wait 3 more weeks for the genetic testing results to come back I was surprised to hear they were back when I called to check in with the doctor’s office yesterday. The tests showed that there were not any genetic abnormalities, which is a very good thing. It is comforting to know that our baby did not carry a genetic disorder. So, we are left with the genetic tests coming back showing no issues and also pathology came back clear. This means we will never have a medical reason for why our sweet baby had to leave us. I think I’m ok with that because no reason anyone could ever give me would make it any better. As far as we can tell there is no reason we should have to go through this again. That does not mean that lightening can’t strike twice, but I will continue to hope and pray that it does not.
What we do know now is something we already knew in our hearts; our sweet angel is a little boy.
Sweet Baby Sam – Mommy loves you very much. I think about you all the time and miss you very much. One day we’ll meet again and I’ll make up for all the kisses I wasn’t able to give you here on Earth.
You can view Amber’s blog at http://youaremysunshine2012.blogspot.com/