Cassandra

Mom to an angel, Bradley Frederick Carr

Born sleeping February 24, 2012

Orlando, FL

In the beginning of November 2011 I received the most amazing news. I found out that I was pregnant about eight weeks along. I had my suspicions seeing as I was nauseated all of the time and certain foods were turning me on and off. I had never been so excited. I automatically called my Fiance and told him the fantastic news. He was of course thrilled seeing as it is difficult for me to get pregnant since I had poly-cystic ovarian syndrome and it is very difficult for me to get pregnant we looked as this as a miracle.

I have never cared about something as much as I cared about this little life growing inside of me. It was amazing just know that in a few months I would be a mommy and be able to have my little one in my arms. On February 20, 2012 it was supposed to be a happy day for us. We were going to find out if our little one was a boy or a girl. I of course was hoping for a girl but was happy as long as they were healthy. We went in for the ultrasound and they started moving it around on my belly trying to get a clear image but it was just fuzzy and they could not see anything. They did not say much just that they wanted me to see a specialist at Winnie Palmer Hospital in Orlando, Florida. I went the very next day to have another ultrasound and the same thing happened, they could not get a clear picture. They told me to come the next day to see a specialist in Fetal Diagnostics. I remember I came home and I got in the shower and sobbed, hugging my belly. Why is this happening to me? Something was seriously wrong. I knew that much but I just did not know how severe. My fiance and I went in for our appointment the next morning and they did another ultrasound. This one was a lot more thorough. They kept looking at all these different parts of our baby but not really telling me what was going on. Then the doctor came in and gave me a huge blow to my heart. I was informed that our baby had not developed any kidneys and I was lacking amniotic fluid. Without amniotic fluid our baby would not be able to develop lungs and regardless if we could somehow get them to develop there would still be no way to survive without kidneys. This condition is called Renal Agenesis. It occurs in 1 of 4,000 pregnancies. So why us? Why must we have to make this awful decision. That very same day I was admitted into the hospital and they induced me into labor. All I could keep thinking was please be wrong. Please do not take my child away from me. Part of me felt and still feels like it is my fault. I gave birth to our beautiful little boy on February 24, 2012 at 8:40 AM. He was born sleeping. I miss him every single second of every single day and would give up my life just so he could have lived his. But I am thankful that he is not suffering. I hope he knows how much his mommy and daddy love him. We named him Bradley Frederick Carr after his two angel grandfathers.

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Comments

  1. Lacie S. says:

    Cassandra,

    I lost my baby that same day :( I am still hurting. Sharing my story helped and connecting with other women who have the same feelings. Don’t be afraid to mourn the loss of your little one. I made a memorial necklace for my little one and am making a special corner dedicated to our baby in our house. It won’t bring them back, but at least they know we love them and they are in a better place. <3

  2. Tiffany says:

    I lost my baby girl on the 25 of February of the same thing. We had to make the same awful decision !! It is such a heartbreaking thing to do but know that he is in heaven and is your precious angel. I am so glad I read this. It is a comfort to know I am not the only one who has been through this. Lots of love and prayers for you!!!
    Tiffany

  3. Tarni says:

    I lost my darling daughter the day after your baby she was born at 41 weeks. I am so sorry you and your fiance have to feel this pain, every day is a struggle for me as I am sure it is for you ! I am sure one day we will get to meet our babies again!! My thoughts are with you

  4. Emily says:

    So sorry to hear your loss. I also have polycystic ovaries and had a very hard time concieving. When we found out we were pregnant, it was the greatest feeling in the world. 24 weeks into it on Feb 22, we unexpectadly lost our baby girl (cause not yet known). The pain is so hard; it still doesn’t feel real. I still just want to wake up and hope it is just a bad dream. I am finding some peace in what the chaplain at the hospital told us. He said: Marie (our daughter) only knows love, she was conceived in love, loved in the womb and born into the loving arms of Jesus. She never suffered, never had to feel pain. I am sure that is the same for Bradley. Well I guess we have to stay strong and know they are watching over us (easier said then done). My thoughts will be with you!!

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