Mom to Austin
Born November 6, 2011 at 12:55 am
Died November 6, 2011 at 2:35 am
San Diego, California
My husband and I were trying to get pregnant for a long time. When we found out we were pregnant on June 25, 2011, it had been something we wanted for so long and we decided to take 5 pregnancy tests to make sure. After all of those tests, we confirmed we got what we had so longed for and we couldn’t have been happier.
As my first trimester progressed I was always a little scared I would miscarry. I felt like everything was too good to be true. I did my best to get those thoughts out of my mind but as every expectant mom to be knows it’s hard to do in the first trimester. But I continued on and tried to enjoy as much as I could. I had a pretty good case of morning sickness for a good two months. And then as the books say it lightened up around week 15-16. I was so excited because I felt like I passed the rough part and now I could really enjoy my pregnancy.
Over the next month or so I enjoyed my pregnancy and was so happy to be moving on nicely through the second trimester. All of my appointments were going well and my husband and I were very excited. All of our family and friends were so supportive of us because they knew how badly we wanted this in our life. We started collecting items for the baby by doing the registry, planning baby shower date etc.
As we reached week 22 of my pregnancy things started to change. I was having a very stressful time at work and overall I wasn’t feeling very well that week. Everyone kept telling me “Oh that’s part of the baby letting you know they are still there” or “you’ll be fine, just rest.” So I listened to everyone and just went home and rested. I reached week 23 on November 3rd and I was excited that I was almost at 6 month. Unfortunately for me I was unaware of what was going to happen just a few days later.
On the morning of November 5th, I woke up feeling horrible with pain in my right side. My husband and I weren’t sure what’s going on but thought that I should just take it easy again. As I took care of some things in the morning my pain wasn’t going away. I called Labor and Delivery and they said it sounded like I could be dehydrated or fighting a bladder infection. They said it also sounded like I might be having contractions but they told me to monitor it and if I had more than 6 in an hour to call them again. I decided to take a nap and see if things could mellow out and it did. I tried to drink a bunch of water and started feeling overall pretty good. Unfortunately that didn’t last long because around 9 pm that night I started getting sharp pains in my side again. By 1015 that night I couldn’t take it because I was in so much pain. We called Labor and Delivery again by this time they told me to come in.
My husband and I didn’t know what was going on but we went in with no supplies to prepare us for anything. We honestly thought we were going to go in, they would give me something for the pain, and we’d go home. Wow, we were so wrong. We checked into the hospital at 1045 that night and they put me in a room. They only had one doctor on call and he was making all of his rounds so needless to say we were not getting much attention. My pain and started to increase and I realized that I as having pain every two minutes. Nobody was helping us and my husband was desperately trying to get help for me. Because my pain was only on the right side they decided that I might be having an appendix issue. I started freaking out because my sister had an appendix issue at one point so I thought it could be happening to me. I had no idea how they would get my appendix issue solved and not affect the baby. Then I started throwing up because of the pain and they thought I might have the flu. My poor husband kept telling them it wasn’t the flu. While the on call doctor went to put some orders in for me, he made it seem like I wasn’t going to be helped anytime soon. So I decided to make sure they helped me and made it very known (verbally) how much pain I was in. Shortly after some inappropriate yelling we were thankful to get a resident that had rounds that night that wanted to assist us. He came in and did some initial testing and then said he wanted to check me out. When he did he found out I was 4 cm dilated.
I was shocked and upset and I wasn’t planning on that happening. The next few hours went by so quickly. We met with a NICU nurse and she explained to us what was happening and asked us to make a decision about our son and if we wanted the hospital to “assist” in helping him survive. They gave us the statics on survival rates for babies born this early. My husband and I decided that we wouldn’t ask for any extra “assistance” from the hospital. From there I was moved quickly to a labor and delivery room. Everything was said very quickly. But in nut shell, I was told they didn’t know how long it would take for me to deliver, but it was going to happen. I was still in a lot of pain and they gave morphine to help. I met with the anesthesiologist to work out the info for the epidural. I signed the paperwork, she left. I decided I wanted to go to the bathroom and the nurse assisted me. While I was there my water broke on the toilet. That was horrible and I started screaming. My husband had to help me back to the bed and probably with in 1 minute of me being back on the bed our Austin was born at 12:55 am on November 6th. The minute he was delivered I asked if he as alive and they confirmed he was. I didn’t know what to do. I was happy that I was not in pain and he was born alive. I thought maybe he could survive, maybe they were wrong, etc, etc. I was so upset and as they were cleaning me up they gave my son to my husband to hold. My husband held our son in his arms until he died almost two hours later. In that time I was so scared to go to him because I was already loosing it and I was afraid what would happen if I held him. So I didn’t and I will regret that forever. But I went as close as I could to him and told him I loved him and I was sorry that this was happening and I said it over and over again as I cried. When my son was pronounced dead I wasn’t there because the nurse was trying to dress me. My husband had to tell me the news and it was awful. We spent the night in the hospital with our son next to the bed. He had passed away but they gave us the option to have some more time with him. It was hard thing because I woke up when they brought him back in and realized this is my family and it’s going to get taken away from me again in a short amount of time. We woke up early and had to say goodbye to our son again. It was very hard but we were very happy we spent extra time with him. Shortly after that we were signed out and left the hospital without our son and we were crushed. To recap we checked in at 10:45pm, my son was born 12:55 am, he died 2:35 am and by 7 am we were in our car on the way home. Everything was so quick and this added joy of lifelong happiness for us was cut short in just a short couple of hours.
As any grieving process goes I’ve had so many ups and downs. Our autopsy results showed nothing, all the tests showed nothing and I don’t know why a baby that was perfectly healthy could not be held full term and I never will. He was supposed to be born on March 1st of this year and I was supposed to be a happy new mom taking care of her son. I get really upset when I realized how little is told about this type of event. All of those books should tell you this could happen. It’s not fair and it will never be. I’ve accepted what happened but I will never agree with it, nobody should have this happen.
I will always be a Mom to my Austin and he’s taught me a lot and what I should appreciate in life. I love him, miss him and he will always be in my heart forever.