Mom to Avery Minnie
Born and died on February 27, 2012
All my life I knew I wanted a family. I didn’t have a dream of career and money; I had a dream of children and softball games, playing at the park, reading a story before bed. I was blessed with my son, Wyatt, on March 21, 2009. The pregnancy was hard for me because I suffer from emetephobia (fear of vomiting). I made it through and when Wyatt was about two and a half I knew I wanted to add to my family. My anxiety level was high because I knew that I would have to face my fear again. I was very lucky to get pregnant so quickly, we only tried two months and then we got that little plus sign. My husband and I were very excited. Wyatt had been a surprise so it was fun to have planned this one and receive our gift. What followed was not so fun. I became extremely sick with hyperemesis gravidarium. I went to the hospital about three times and took two kinds of anti nausea medicines, which didn’t do much. This went on for 22 weeks and started affecting my emotional state, as well as my work and caring for the rest of my family. I was EXTREMELY depressed and anxious and even checked myself in to the hospital for help. I was put on Zoloft and after 6 weeks it did help immensely. During this time I was questioning if I should have gotten pregnant..what was I thinking? We can’t afford this, I can’t take care of two, it’s too hard, and the list goes on. I even hoped for a miscarriage to end my suffering, I was not thinking clearly.
After week 22 I began to bond with my little girl. I had a diaper party, I started her baby book, we did a pregnancy photo shoot, and we set up all her things. I asked Wyatt who was in my belly and he would say “baby sister” or “baby Avery”. I enjoyed feeling her move inside of me.
At week 36 I went in because I felt like she didn’t move as much as Wyatt did. I did a non stress test and was sent to the hospital for longer monitoring. First they did a biophysical profile ultrasound and I scored 8/8. During the longer non stress test they said she would decelerate and they didn’t know why. They thought it usually only happened during labor. I was having contractions but they didn’t coincide with her decelerations. After a few hours they sent me home. The next week at 37 weeks they gave me another biophysical profile that scored 8/8 and did another non stress test. My doctor said that since I was full term, if he didn’t like what he saw they would take her that day. She was still decelerating, but after a few hours they were happy with how she traced and sent me home. That following Sunday evening I had a weird feeling, which I ignored, and will probably always regret. I would sit down to do a kick count, and she would kick, but I just had a feeling. I ignored it because I was home alone with Wyatt and it was late and I thought it would be a hassle to go to the hospital when I kept testing fine. That Monday morning I awoke to no movement. I didn’t think anything of it and went to my eye appointment. When I got home I drank some juice to try and wake her up, still nothing. So I went to have another non stress test. I didn’t think anything of it. Then, there was no heartbeat. Two nurses checked, and then two doctors and they confirmed that there was no heartbeat. My doctor even said, “I wish I had taken her last week”. WHY DIDN’T YOU!!!!! I know that if he thought there was danger he would have, but how can you help the “what if’s”?
All I kept thinking was “Oh my God, this is not happening”. My first reaction was just to immediately have a C-section, just get her out of me, I can’t handle it. The doctor convinced me that to induce labor was better, no scar to remind me, less healing time, less risk of infection. He said “I know you said you aren’t having anymore, but you would have to have a C-section next time”. I finally agreed to it. During my induction I kept thinking, they made a mistake, she is going to come out alive. I felt cheated. This was going to be my last child, my family was going to be complete, I was going to have my mini-me, my little girl. I was never going to have to be pregnant again, never have to throw up for 22 weeks again. Wyatt was going to have a little sister 3 years younger than him, my husband was going to have his daddy’s little girl.
She was born at 8:43 pm on 2/27/12. She was 6 lbs 5oz and 19 inches long. She had red curly hair, our Ginger, just like her daddy. She had my nose and the softest skin. She was perfect. Would I have felt better if there was a deformity? I don’t know. The only explanation we have so far is that the cord was delicate. The doctor thinks it was a cord accident.
Then the thoughts begin. It was because I didn’t bond with her in the beginning, it was because I was so sick and didn’t take my vitamins right or eat right. It was because I hoped for a miscarriage, it was because I had to take Zoloft (which I took with Wyatt and he is fine).
I feel empty now. I have not put away any of her things. My husband says that he feels like if he does enough for her (our memorial wall, pictures, naming a star, freezing her flowers, etc.) that he can have her back. Even if we decide to try again, it will never be Avery. It might not even be a girl. I will never see that hair or that nose again. I never got to squeeze her hand or tickle her feet. I never got to nurse her, or complain about getting up every hour at night, or change her poopy diaper.
Wyatt is a blessing. He helps us smile through our tears. He gives us a sense of purpose, because right now everything else feels pointless.
If we try again I will be terrified the whole time of this happening again. I hope one day I do find the strength to try again.
You can contact Marie at firstname.lastname@example.org.