Mom to three angels:
Caden – November 2003
Skylar – January 2008
Alex – February 2009
My name is Angela & I am the proud Mommy of 3 angels.
Caden was our first loss and we never had the chance to have an ultrasound. All we have to remember our baby is the pregnancy test. This was our very 1st pregnancy & it devastated my husband & I to the core. I went on to conceive the next month and delivered our daughter Jessica Sept 1st, 2004.
Skylar – my sweet Skylar. Her loss was my hardest to bear. Several ultrasounds were done & we went in due to me having cramping & the doctor said “baby is gone, there is no heart beat”. I went numb, inside & out. We were scheduled for a D&C the following day. We went home & I cried all night. I got out of bed to get ready for our trip to the hospital & I was hemorrhaging-bad. By the time my husband got me to the Surgery Center, I couldn’t walk, I was pale as a sheet, & I had bled through everything. The nurses put me on the toilet in my hospital room and began an IV. I felt her tiny body begin to descend & I reached in time to catch her lifeless body in my hand. I screamed, I cried – my nurse cried, my husband cried my mom cried. All of us piled in this bathroom & there was my tiny baby, in my hand. I was whisked off to surgery. As I began to wake up after the procedure I was crying and calling for my baby, “where is she, what did you do to her, bring her to me……” My family told me the nurses all came to the room paying their respects to us. I was given sedatives; I don’t remember any of them visiting. The next day a lovely woman called from the hospital to tell about RTS Bereavement Services. I had choices! We opted to have her remains sent to a family owned funeral home & had her cremated. We held a service at our church a few weeks later after I was healed enough to be up and about. We released balloons. We played a song “In A Cradle of Wings”. I still have not come to terms with her loss. I grieve for them all.
Alex, we lost him on Valentine’s Day. We went to the ER & there they told us it was already too late. I passed the remains in the ER & was given high doses of pain killers & sedatives. I struggle with not having something tangible to hold. I want so badly to hold SOMETHING, ANYTHING. I remember for months my arms ached & I thought I was going crazy. Turns out a lot of women experience aching arms following the loss of a baby.
I have since given birth to 2 boys – Brycen in Sept 2006 and Nathaniel in Oct 2010. Having my rainbow children is a blessing-but the loss, pain, heartache, grief, depression is still very much part of me. I am being asked questions now by my daughter about the angels. I wish we had something to show her, to show everyone that they are real, they existed, & they are loved. If any mothers out there read this and want to talk please feel free to email me. We need each other in our time of grief. Bless you all…
You can contact Angela at email@example.com.