Mom to Jonathan Anthony

Born still January 24, 2012 at 20 weeks’ gestation

Mar Vista, California

It all happened very fast and was so unexpected. I went to a routine doctor appointment on Monday, January 23rd. The prior week I had the flu and had to reschedule my January 18th appointment until the following Monday. When I arrived, my blood pressure was high but they thought it was due to my sickness. During the doctors routine examination she began to check for the baby’s heartbeat. After an agonizing 10 minutes or so she said she needed to send me to the emergency room because she could not find his heartbeat. I was worried, but honestly thought everything was fine. After all, we had just seen our little guy on a 3D ultrasound the week before. I thought he was just hiding. I called my husband (Jimmy) and after delivering my five other children to their Mam’s, we proceeded to the hospital.

Once we arrived at the hospital I was pretty relaxed. After all, we had sent text messages to our church family, personal friends and family members, everyone was praying. Surly God would not let that many people down, and besides I have a miracle baby and know that God can come through even in bleak circumstance. The ultrasound confirmed what seemed unimaginable to me: our sweet baby boy was already in Heaven. In shock, we gathered our family to prepare for Jonathan’s delivery the next day. I felt so alone and lost that night; how was it possible my baby was dead? I could have sworn I felt him kick that night. January 24, 2012 will be etched on my heart and mind forever. Although I had given birth to five babies, my arrival at the hospital on this day was indescribable. I had been anxious and afraid before but this time I was embarking on a journey that would forever change me. A road no mommy would ever want to walk. As I lay awaiting Jonathan Anthony’s arrival, I pondered what would life be like now, how I would it feel to leave the hospital with empty arms and a broken heart. Jimmy never left my side, yet I felt alone. My wonderful mother-in-law and sister-in-law joined me for his birth. They looked through the memory box the hospital had provided us, and gave me some helpful information designed to help me through this time.

I never had such conflicting emotions…while desperately wanting it to be over, I knew the end result of his birth would be the ultimate goodbye.  

At around 7:30 I felt the urge to push. When the doctor checked me she said we had to wait until I was fully dilated. She informed us Jonathan’s body could be damaged from the delivery. This is when my tears gave way to panic because this had not crossed my mind, the consequence death had taken on his little body. I begged my husband to pray that Jonathan would be born quickly and entirely whole.

My scream,”The baby is coming!” was within seconds after his prayer was finished.

Jonathan Anthony was born at 7:40p.m. I was terrified to see; would his precious body be intact?

I took him into my arms and immediately my heart overflowed with motherly love. He was perfect, and I adored him. The next hours were our cherished, blessed time with our son. My husband and I held him, talked to him and prayed over him. I unwrapped his little body and did my best to commit every tiny detail to memory. We took many pictures, I am so grateful we did.

When the nurse came to take his hand and footprints I will never forget the compassion and love she showed. When she took him from my arms and spoke to him as if he belonged to her. She said, “Hello handsome little man, I am here to take care of you.” Even writing these words the tears begin to flow. Her considerate beautiful words still take my breath away.

As the time passed we knew the moment would arrive. We would have to say farewell to Jonathan for the rest of our lives here on earth. My tenderhearted husband said, “We can’t let him go on his BIRTHDAY.” So at a little past midnight, we said goodbye to our beloved son.

My grief in that moment threatened to consume me, I felt devastated beyond compare but just as the darkness was closing in, I heard the still small voice of my Jesus. God’s presence was there with us; although He did not remove the pain, He carried me and held me.

The next day the amazing nurse that had been so compassionate to Jonathan and me came to visit.

I told her thank you from the bottom of my heart. Her replies will be forever engraved on my heart. She said, “No, thank you. Jonathan was one lucky boy to be so loved…some children live a lifetime and do not know the love he had.” I will be forever thankful for my angel nurse.

We did leave the hospital with empty arms and a broken heart, however we also left with resolve. A quiet determination filled my heart to honor my sweet angel baby, to make sure the world knew he existed and was so very loved.

Jonathan Anthony my darling, you are precious, cherished, remembered and beloved. Thank you Jesus that I do not walk alone, you are my constant companion.

Isaiah 43:2-3 2: When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. 3 For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

Tesha blogs at http://www.teshatreasures.com.

You can contact her at teshapapik@yahoo.com.

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  1. I am so sorry for your loss. I have said a prayer for you that you would feel God’s comfort and that you would hold your son again in heaven some day.

  2. Tesha,
    I am so very sorry for the loss of your angel. My son was born still on 02-10-12 at 23 weeks 5 days. My heart breraks for you… I left the hospital with a box and a broken heart as well. I’m glad I have the pictures I do, his hand and feet prints but it will never be my sweet angel Jake. I pray for you and your husband.

    Feel free to come visit my blog http://www.stillloved.blogspot.com
    It tells my story of loss and also I’ve tried to find songs and poems to help other mommies and daddies like me.

  3. Tesha,
    Your story shares your strength and your faith and trust in our Lord and Savior. It is great to have Him as our comforter. Nothing hurts a woman so much as the loss of her child. And though we may never understand, we do not walk alone. May the peace God’s promise offers help to ease your pain, may He always be beside you as you go along life’s way.
    Prayers and blessing for you and your loved ones.
    Grace D.

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