Elizabeth

Mom to baby

Miscarried January 14, 2012 at 12 weeks

Mount Airy, Maryland

January 18, 2012

Fear, Sadness, Anger, Emptiness. This is how I felt when I heard the news that my baby I had been carrying for 12 weeks did not have a heartbeat. This was the worst news I had ever heard.

My husband and I had been trying to conceive for about a year. Finally, in mid-November on a Saturday evening I went to the bathroom and there it was… two lines showed in the window of a pregnancy test. The happiness and joy running through my body was overwhelming. I showed the miracle to my husband and we started to tear up with joy. Our dream had finally come true after many rounds of Clomid and nights of crying endlessly.

For two weeks I was in bliss. Nothing could get me down or break my spirit. Then at 6 weeks pregnant I had a spot of red when I wiped using the bathroom one day and my heart sunk in my chest. I immediately called my OB and went in to see her that day. I was scheduled for an ultrasound that week as well and when we went in we saw a strong heartbeat of 133. My fears drifted away and happiness came back into my life.

Life was normal, happy, and warm with joy for the next 6 weeks. We announced to our families at Christmas that we would be welcoming a bundle of joy to the family in July of the following year. So many hugs were exchanged and smiles that lit the rooms. It was a great feeling to be surrounded with love and support.

Then January 14th I was at home trying on maternity clothes that had been passed down to me. I figured it was time to pull the maternity clothes out since my belly seemed to be a little fuller now. But I was interrupted with the constant need to use the bathroom and when I had finished I saw that the spot of red had returned. I yelled to my husband that we needed to go to the hospital immediately. I called my OB office to let them know I was going into the hospital and the doctor reassured us with a warm voice that he was “sure everything was fine.”

We pulled into the hospital parking lot and I had calmed down. I went into the ER, registered, and sat to wait so patiently. Finally back to room we went and I was examined once and told the ultrasound technician would be in very shortly. So we sat and waited patiently once again. She arrived, cut out the lights, and began to look into my belly. She found the baby and searched for the heartbeat. At this point tears welled in my eyes; I knew something was not right. She searched and searched, all I thought was, “Baby, please be okay.” She left the room and again we wait.

The ER doctor, a very nice man, returns to the room to tell us the most devastating news. His sad eyes gave it away and he then uttered the words, “It is not good.” He came over and put his arm around to console me but nothing would make this better. He explained that the heartbeat was not found and that we did nothing wrong but these things do happen. I was not listening to anything at this point. My head swarmed with thoughts of anger and sadness. There was no room for any other words or thoughts. No matter what he said and how much he wanted to make me feel better it was not going to happen. He left the room and once again, they make us wait. The worst thing about the ER is the wait, even worse when news like this is announced.

One of my OB doctors comes in the room, sad eyes, trying to console us once again. Going through my options of a natural miscarriage or coming in for a D&C and all I could think was, “GET ME OUT OF HERE!” I did not opt for anything at that time but home.

The daughter that I do have, she is 3 years old; I went to see her since she was at my mother’s house. Tears again when I saw my mom, when I saw my daughter, and when I would think for just a second about the baby I lost. Finally, my husband and I arrived home, welcomed by my father, his mother, and my best friend, Jen. I tried to be strong through the evening as well as the next day when I had to take my daughter to a birthday party for a girl at her school. I was exhausted from hiding the tears that day and just wanted to sleep.

Monday morning when I woke up I knew had to work and hold my head up. I cried driving into work, driving home from work, and many times in between. That afternoon I went to see my OB and set up a plan. I opted for a D&C and scheduled it for Thursday afternoon.

This is where I am now. This is my story. It is Wednesday and I am waiting yet again. I am scared of the D&C because I don’t want to be put under and I don’t want to wake up knowing that it really is over. I will get through it and push on not just for myself but for my family. And I will pray each day for God to bless us with a baby. Stephen has 4 months before he deploys and this is the time we have to create a new life. I pray that God gives us this and blesses by body.

February 9th, 2012

The surgery went great… as odd as that sounds. On the 18th of January I ended up going into Montgomery General because my bleeding had increased and I was not brave enough to go through an at-home miscarriage. My surgery was supposed to take place the next day but I just could not wait. My husband, my mom, and I all got in the car and headed in a silent drive to the hospital. We arrived at the emergency door entrance at about 6:45pm and I went up by myself to register for the most upsetting surgery of my life.

The registration was faster than ever before. I would say it took no more than 15 minutes before I was back sitting in the outpatient surgery waiting room with my mom on one side and Stephen on the other. Dr. Goodman was the one who was going to be performing the surgery and he came to see me before the nurses took me back. He didn’t realize that if you told the registration desk in the ER that you were there for an outpatient surgery that they would let you go wait in the outpatient surgery area. He thought that I would have to go through the ER and be checked first so it was even speedier than what he thought. He told me from now on he would make sure to tell all his after hour surgery patients to do the same!

We patiently waited about another 10 minutes before a nurse came out, an older woman with sweet eyes, and called me back to the pre-op area. She gave me a curtained room so I could undress and get prepared for the surgery. When I opened the curtain she stood waiting to lead back to the bed where I would wait. They were all so kind. Every person that came into the area seemed to have love in their heart for what I was going through.

The two nurses, one pre-op and one post-op, both assisted me in getting prepped for surgery. I was the only person in the whole area getting surgery that evening. Then the anesthesiologist, a tall dark-haired man, came to my side with his funny personality leading the way. He joked, laughed, and made me feel a little lighter. He came to find out if I had any allergies and also give me an IV so he could administer the medicine to put me asleep. He even numbed the area before he gave me the IV to reduce the amount of pain I would feel through this process.

I waited while the nurses and doctors talked around me. Finally, through the door Stephen and my mom came in to give me love before I went into the OR. Seeing there faces calmed me some but I was still shaking from being so nervous. The idea of being put to sleep scared me a great deal and I was not ready for it.  I tried to take de breaths as they started to wheel me to the OR.

 I entered the cold sterile room at 7:30pm and I could not stop shaking at that point. I remember being asked to move to the operating table and slowly sliding by body as the nurses around me assisted. They spread my arms and put warmed blankets across my body. I lay waiting for what was to come next and I had a mask for oxygen put on my face… that was the last I remember.

I was pulling at my face when I came to. I had oxygen tubes in my nose and I could not stand them. I don’t remember seeing anything but just the feeling of my hands grabbing at my face. I heard Dr. Goodman’s voice telling me it went well and that he got everything out. But there was not enough tissue to test anything and it seemed to him that it was a natural miscarriage.

I was back out for a few moments and I can not remember anything. I opened my eyes and the clock read 8:10pm. It was done and nothing could change the fact that I was no longer pregnant. I could feel the pain in my stomach and they pushed morphine through my IV to ease the ache of my loss. The post-op nurse could not have had a more kind heart as she cared for me after my surgery.

After 20 minutes I was feeling much better or should I say I was not feeling much of anything. I was able to stand and get into a chair before Stephen and my mom came back to see me because who wants to look sickly lying in a hospital bed. I wanted to look strong, like this surgery was not going to hold me down.

The nurse asked what I would like to drink as well as if I would prefer saltines or graham crackers. I choose to have cranberry juice and saltines, of course. If you didn’t know already I am a salty food girl over a sweets girl. I sat, ate, talked even smiled as I recall. I was able leave once I had finished my snack and felt that I could stand to dress myself. It was 9:10pm when I was wheeled out to my car to climb in the passenger seat for the long ride home. Two hours and twenty-five minutes. That is what it took for me to go into a hospital one person and come out another.

I have been healing. Each day I fight for myself to stay strong and remember what I went through to be where I am now. It was hard at first but I purchased a ring with a Ruby gemstone, which would have been the babies Gemstone, as my reminder of what I had. I had support the whole way through; Stephen, my mom, Stephen’s mom, my dad, Jen and Brit, my two best friends, and many others too.

A week and a half later I even went to visit my family in Virginia with my mom and Jaelyn. My cousin Lee had a baby girl the October before and we had met her yet so we were very excited to meet little Willow. We were able to relax and not think about what was going on at home with constant reminders of what I had lost. Until Saturday night, January 28th, when my cousin Destinee who is only 9 years old announced to her friend while I was there that, “Liz’s baby had died.” It was like a knife straight to the gut that I know was not intentional. I held in the tears until I was able to put on my jacket and make it out the front door.

My Aunt Missy followed me out to see if I was okay. She apologized for the incident and she hugged me for minutes while she felt my pain inside. I knew it was not something that she meant to say and I explained that to my Aunt. A child doesn’t always know what they are saying or how it could affect someone when they say it. I held no grudge but just had a little reminder kick back into my thoughts. So the next day when I am holding Willow and Jaelyn starts to play with her laughter came out that was so precious. All I want is for Jaelyn to be a big sister and have that amazing feeling as she grows up.

So we will try again. The Monday after I returned home from Virginia, January 30th, Stephen and I had started the process again. It was painful that first time but since then we have been trying and trying and trying. We are not even sure if it is possible at this time but we are sure getting practice in!

It is now three weeks past my surgery and my body feels back to normal. Two nights ago I even decided that I would start taking my temperature again to track ovulation. I know that I will not go to extremes as I did before and take any type of medication this time but I do want to know if we are even going to have a shot before Stephen leaves. My temp has been at 97.90 the last two mornings which is what it used to be at before I got pregnant when I ovulated. I am praying that this is a good sign and keeping the faith for a miracle. More to come…

 

February 24th, 2012

 

Here I am again… No pregnancy at this time. I actually started bleeding this past Saturday night and today it has finally stopped. So we try again and that is a very scary thought. We have maybe 3 to 4 chances of trying before Stephen leaves so we are going to have to give it our all. We will do the dirty as often as possible and pray that something sticks.

Yesterday, with all of these thoughts running through my head, I ended up having a break down. I couldn’t take the thoughts going through my head of trying again and being back at square one. It is such a sad thought to have and nothing seems to make that go away.

Luckily, I have a best friend, Jen, who has gone through two miscarriages and came over to keep me company. We can relate now on a new level of understanding. I was there for when she miscarried both times and I felt her pain but until you experience it yourself there is no way to truly comprehend the pain.

I hope in a few weeks I will be able to report better news and share a story of hope instead of loss. I pray that each and every person that has posted on this website and has lost a child will be able to have a happy ending to their story. We all deserve the chance to be a mom and love someone more than we ever imagined. My fingers are crossed, my prayers are said, and my hopes are known.

You can contact Elizabeth at enicole5309@gmail.com.

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