Sarah

Mom to Connor Isaiah
Born February 2, 2006 and died January 9, 2007

and

Isabela Mae
Born February 2, 2006 and died February 7, 2006

Portland, OR

 

My name is Sarah. On December 2nd, 2006 I was feeling… fat. I had just broken up with my boyfriend and wasn’t feeling that great anyway. We had disagreed a lot about all kinds of issues and over Christmas decided that being together just wasn’t in the cards. On that January morning, I decided to go to my doctor since I was having lower back pain. I made an appointment and was able to be seen that afternoon.

I remember the room felt especially warm that day and though I was worried about what was going on with my body, I had a sense of calm come over me. I said a little prayer hoping for the better and waited for the doctor to come and see me. He came in the room, we had a little chat and he had me do some stretching exercises to determine what may be causing my back pain. I also mentioned I was starting to feel some abdominal pressure, but nothing unusual. As he felt around my belly, he excused himself and a few minutes later his assistant came in. They asked the usual, “When was your last period,” “How long have you had this pain” and other strange (at the time) questions. I KNEW I wasn’t pregnant. We had used protection…every single time.

Long story short, I was referred to an OB/GYN and sure enough- I was pregnant! Not just a little pregnant, but 19 WEEKS! On my first ultrasound, I could see my son as clear as day. So there I was, going to be a mom for the second time. (I have a daughter from my first marriage- also unplanned, but very welcomed.) I told my ex, and he refused to believe me. I didn’t believe it at first either. With my oldest child, I never had any pregnancy symptoms, but I was for sure showing at 12 weeks. Not with my little boy. I had gained about 10 pounds, but had blamed eating a lot of Thanksgiving and sweets.

Skip ahead to February 1, 2006. I went in for another ultrasound, and sure enough there was little Connor! He was showing to be big for his gestation, which was ok with me! They looked around a little longer and noticed something “weird”. The ultrasound tech just stared at the screen, and then shook it off saying, “Your son has long legs!”

The next morning I was feeling a lot of tightness in my lower back. No cramping, nothing painful just a strange tightness. My first labor, the epidural was placed wrong, so I was blaming that. At 3:34pm the pain started to get worse and I noticed a little fluid leaking. Freaking out that it was my water breaking (again, my daughter before was an induction so I hadn’t experienced true labor or anything to go with it). I called a friend and she came with me to the ER. Sure enough, I was in labor and my water had broken! I was rushed into a delivery room and I just remember crying hysterically wondering what was going on. I was only 25 weeks, 6 days along! Was my baby going to be ok?

At 4:22 pm I felt the urge to push. I pushed twice and he just “popped” out. I remember seeing him only for a moment and amazed at how tiny he was and at how red his hair was! After a few moments, the urge to push came on again. The nurse said that it was my placenta that was being delivered, so I pushed. After one long push.. “pop”. The room went silent. I was lying back with my eyes closed, resting when I heard, “It’s a girl.” WHAT?! I shot straight up and saw the tiniest little baby with very, very dark hair. Another baby? Two babies? How could this be possible? I asked to see her, but they said she wasn’t breathing. There were so many tubes and monitors put on her.

Later that night, I got the chance to be wheeled into the NICU to see my babies. Connor Isaiah, born at 4:25pm, weighed in at a whopping 2 lbs, 2 oz. I was then wheeled over to his surprise sister, Isabela Mae, born at 4:32pm and weighing only 15 ounces. OUNCES! I remember sitting in awe, wondering what was next. I was being told that Isabela was breathing, but only with the help of a CPAP machine. Conner was breathing fine, and used very little assistance from the machines.

The next morning, I was able to call a few friends who said the same as me, “Two babies? How did they not see her?” Isabela was our little miracle, but she was struggling. She was born with only half of the necessary organs to live. Her liver was shutting down, and her right lung was non-existent so her left lung, which was only working at 20%, was failing as well. Her heart was strong, though. It was there and strong and beating just right. Connor on the other hand was doing great! He was eating good, adjusting to life outside very well. They did notice his heart had a slight murmur and his belly was swollen. Two babies, two very different stories. My little boy was thriving and doing fantastic. My little girl was struggling for every moment of her life.

On February 7, 2006 (6 years from the day I am writing this), I had to make the choice to take Isabela off her machines. She had been considered “brain dead” the night before. Her liver had failed, her kidney was gone as well as a list of other problems. I called a church leader to give her a blessing and I stood there holding Connor’s hand while I said good-bye.

On January 29, 2007, Connor passed away. He was born with a congenital heart defect, which required a heart transplant. He went in that morning my little man, and didn’t come back out. There had been a “complication during surgery” (per the OR and hospital) and he had passed away. Just like that. Connor was buried next to his sister on February 3, 2007- the day after what should have been his 1st birthday. Instead of planning a birthday party, I was planning a funeral.

Since their passing, life hasn’t been the same. I felt an empty feeling for a few years, and then I woke up. I realized I have been given the blessing of faith with my religion, faith to know that they were simply too perfect for this world, faith to know that I will have the chance to raise my babies after I am done with this life.

You can contact Sarah at kirasmom5702@gmail.com.

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