Mom to Parker Saint
Born still November 26, 2004
So, I guess I need to start from when this all started. I was 17 and the doctor told me that he did not think I was going to have babies, that I had a lot going on. I was okay with that. I was only 17. I did not want kids. Then, at the age 23, I had just had my birthday and was still with my boyfriend of 6 years and my sister had her baby, and I now knew that I wanted a little baby also. I told my boyfriend, “You know, maybe we start talking about babies and having the wedding we have been talking about for so long. He told me to Google it and see how long it was going to take, did we need to see a doctor or what, so I did and it looked like if I was going to have one it was going to take a year or more. This was June 19, 2004, and we started trying for a baby! On Aug 4th I was going to go off with my friend the next day and do the shopping that we did every year. That night we stopped for a drink and it made me so sick to just look at it. Thinking that something was up I had to take a test and there it was, 2 lines! We were going to have a baby! So much for a year, right?
We went to bed happy and the next day when I got up I was so sick and I had a temp of 105. I felt like I am dying, so I called my friend and told her I was not going to go but to have fun. My boyfriend stayed with me all day, and by 2:00 he had called someone to come get us and go to ER. They ran tests and found I had a UTI. I was very sick. They kept me overnight. The next day it was still bad and my temp was 104. They took me to the OR to see if the baby was okay and if there was anything going on in there. The girl that came to get me asked me what was going on and I told. She then said that my baby was going to die, that they are going to have to take it. By then I was crying. A good friend walked in to see me going in to the OR and they told her that no one could come in except family, so she looks at me and said, “I am her mom.” My mom did not know what was going on; she lived in GA and I was in FL so they let her in. When I came out they had called my boyfriend and he was there and the baby was okay. It was just the UTI. They told us I was going to have to stay in there for 5 days and I did. When I got to go home I was so happy and wanted nothing more than to be in my bed. We moved right along like we needed to but for me being sick. Everyone says that it’s just something that you live with. I weighed 152 when we started and only 115 when I had him at 23 weeks.
On Black Friday I did not feel right; there was something going on and I knew that whatever that jelly-like stuff was that was coming out when I was using the bathroom was not right, so my best friend took me in to the ER again to see if I was okay. They took me back, my friend holding my hand like always, and they said, “Lie down and don’t move, she is 3 with an HR glass.” I didn’t know what that was at the time. I didn’t know what was going on, I just knew everyone was running in and out and not talking to me. My BF told them to tell her what was going on so that she could call my boyfriend, and they told her that I was about to lose the baby. She called him and he got there fast. They put me in a room and id more tests. Nothing could save him. Nothing. As the night went on my boyfriend asked why I kept passing out. They told him that my brain could not take what was going on so it was shutting down when it could. He sat there with friends and looked at the heartbeat just getting slower and slower, and then it stopped. His mom and dad got there and he went down to talk to them and tell then what was going on. As this was going on I woke up and the only one there was my best friend. I told her, “I have to push!” She said, “Hold on.” Let me tell you, there is no holding on when your body says “go”. She was calling for someone to help us. No one came, so she – my best friend – helped me have my baby. My boyfriend walked in after it was all done. He missed the whole thing. The doctor came in and told my friend that she has to call it, so she did: 4:58, the last thing I heard before I passed out again. Then, when my boy friend came back, I woke up and told him everything. We cried and asked everyone to go home and let us be. We did not want to hold him, Parker, for a long time and when we did, someone brought him to us and my we held him for a long time. He was so cute, so little, and looked just like his daddy. We named him Parker after my boyfriend’s favorite superhero, Spiderman. His middle name is Saint. I don’t know why I had to name him Saint but I did.
That weekend was hazy. I don’t recall much, I just know that everyone was coming to the house to see me and I didn’t want to see any of them so they were told to go home and we’d call when we wanted to talk. On Monday we had to say goodbye to him and we did. It was nice service, as nice as one can be for a baby. The card that we gave everyone there says, “The world is not an evil place because of those who do evil, but rather because of those who sit back and let it happen.” We did not want him to know evil so that is why we used that.
After that day, we moved on as much as we could. I was still crying every day and my boyfriend was doing what he had to do to keep me from going crazy. Then on 3/23/05, we had a new test and there he was, a new baby, too soon for some but for us, Stryder was the one that saved us. He kept from us going crazy. We loved Parker, we wanted both boys, but knew that one was gone and it was going to never go away. Stryder was born Oct. 26, 2005 after almost losing him 3 times. I have incompetent cervix. We now know why we did not get to keep Parker, why he had to go, but after 7 years we are still sad when we think about him. Still, we thank him for his life so that his brother can live. We have two little boys now, 6 and 3. They are so happy and they know there was a baby before them that had to go home to God, but that we loved him and he loved us. They talk to him and tell him Happy Birthday and tell me how much they love their brother. After we lost Parker, we had to see good in it, so with that we talked to moms and daddies that lost babies, to doctors and nurses to tell them about him and how they can help with a word or a hug, that even if you have been doing your job for 20 years, don’t turn your eyes away when you see them crying. Talk to them, help them. I have talked to women I did not know and told my story and helped them when they were going through what we did. A hand to hold sometimes is all you need. My boyfriend and I did have that wedding and we did have more babies and we still talk about it and hold one another when it’s dark, and we don’t let the others feel that we are doing this alone.