Noah Alexander 10/2/10
Second Trimester Loss
After being told at 19 that I had a million to one chance being able to get pregnant I went on to have 4 kids. I was that woman other people teased..we would talk about having another baby and I would find out I was pregnant. I was also that happy pregnant woman. I got as big as a house but I loved it!
After my son was born in 2007, we decided we were done. My marriage was going downhill and I decided to get my tubes tied. In june of 2010 I went in and had surgery. I cried knowing I wouldn’t have more kids. After my tubal, I couldn’t seem to recover. I felt rundown and constantly tired. I figured my thyroid levels were off again and tried to suck it up. They did a pg test before surgery and another at my followup appt and both were negative. I went back to the doc bc I couldn’t get over feeling so ill. He said the surgery could have put me into early menopause and gave me a script for hormones. The bottle said “do not take if pg” and out of habit I bought a test. As I went to take it I started laughing at myself for even thinking to take a test. I wasn’t laughing for long..those lines popped up fast! I thought for sure it was wrong. Doc confirmed I was absolutely, without a doubt pg! I had an u/s right away to make sure it wasn’t ectopic and sure enough it wasn’t. Wow! Another baby! I was scared and overjoyed at the same time.
My pg was great, nausea and all! Everything seemed normal and fine.
Oct 1 was supposed to be a normal checkup. We were hoping to find out the sex, I was around 19 weeks. My mom took me, my son was with me and my husband met us at the office. Go back, regular stuff, pee in the cup, get weighed (gained 10 lbs but since I lost 8 last month I’m only up 2), check blood pressure and iron..all is well. Get into a room and she tries to listen to the heartbeat with a doppler and can’t find it. She takes us back for an u/s and after looking and looking..cannot find a heartbeat. She took my son up front to the nurses for a snack and to color while the doc came in to look also. He could find no heartbeat. Plenty of crying follows. I remember going back to a reg room and him talking to us but I only remember the few questions I asked…where do you do a D&C and him telling me that I would have to actually labor because I’m past the point of being able to do a D&C and then asking when we wanted to do it. We decided Sat morning would be the best. It would give us time to plan where the kids would go, talk with them about what’s going on and for us to talk some things out. The kids went to my parents’ house friday night. We were due at Women’s and Children’s at 7am.
Oct 2, 2010: We are up and off to the hospital. Sign in, do loads of paperwork, get settled in bed. Time for IV’s. The doc comes in,not my doc but one from the same practice, and talks to me about what’s going to happen. Basically they are going to put pills in to help soften, shorten and dilate my cervix and then I’ll deliver. So basically, go through labor and delivery without being able to take my baby home.
At 10:15am I got my first pills put in. Luckily I had friends that came, even after telling them not to, to keep me distracted from what’s really going on and more like a big hang out day. Amazingly we laughed a lot, they did a wonderful job. We laughed, we cried, we griped about how unfair life can be. I got some pain meds since the contractions were starting to hurt..it’s labor after all. Around 6:30 I got checked..a whopping 1 cm and time for more pills to be placed. I had to get out of bed so we went walking. I was holding together pretty well until a woman in the elevator asked if I was there to have a baby..I could just nod and say I was working on it. I got out of the elevator rounded the corner and cried. She didn’t mean any harm..she just didn’t know. It happened again later so I decided I was done walking and decided it was time to go back to the room.
Around 10pm it was about time for a new medicine. I got 3 rounds of the pills placed and this time it was going to be cream. Luckily the nurse checked me and said I was dilated and wouldn’t need it. I have no idea of timing after that because I was loopy on Nubain and Demerol. I delivered sometime after that and kicked everyone out of the room so the nurse could come take care of the baby and clean me up. The mistake I made was listening to others and not taking the time to hold him. I regret that to this day. The doc came in and said that the placenta wasn’t detaching and coming out. They put me on pitocin to re-dilate me and try to get the placenta to deliver and doc said he would give it a couple of hours and if not I would have to have a D&C done to remove it. I just said ok. I kept asking the nurse if I was bleeding too much and she said I was ok. The next time I asked she said it was a little heavy the last time I asked she said the doc was going to come check me again. That was somewhere between 30mins and an hour after I delivered. So much for being able to wait a few hours. I was bleeding way too much and rushed back to the OR. It was either do the D&C then or try to wait and need a blood transfusion. The doc chose to do the D&C. I was taken down the hall to the OR and descended upon by about 5 people at the same time.
I woke up a while later in recovery and the nurse asked if I wanted to know what it was..of course I did. She told me it was a boy. I automatically named him Noah in my head. Oct 3: I had to stay in recovery for a little bit and then was taken back to my room somewhere around 2 am. I finally told everyone to go home. There was nothing else physically to worry about. After that it was all going to be emotional. I finally convinced them to leave after assuring them over and over that it was ok. I tried to get some sleep and couldn’t. I got up and cleaned the room..with matt snoring on the foldout couch. Every time I started to drift off the nurse would need to check my blood pressure. She had to come back every hour. The doc came in a said we were ok to leave. I think walking out, part of me was still in denial. We passed a Labor and delivery room and could hear a baby’s heartbeat on the monitor and it really hit me that we weren’t taking a baby home and wouldn’t have that chance again.
Trying to explain to the kids what happened at the hospital was hard. I tried to look up infant loss, pregnancy loss and the timing that we lost Noah, around 19 weeks, is considered a late miscarriage or spontaneous abortion. Not the wording I wanted to see. I’ve been told that he wasn’t a baby, he wasn’t born and I should stop talking about him. All I can say is you’re wrong! Noah is my son! Here or in heaven, he’s my son. He WAS born, and he will forever be part of me and this family.
It’s taken over a year but I have finally found a certain peace with it all. It doesn’t take the pain away but I can look now and trust God’s will and not question it the way I did before. I’m not angry about it anymore. I have sad times yes but as my daughter said “why are you sad momma? God is taking care of Noah now” I miss my Noah terribly but I know he’s in the greatest place imaginable now and I look forward to seeing him when I get there.