Magen

Mom to chemical pregnancy, May 2011

Eliza Rainn, missed miscarriage at 10 weeks 6 days

November 23, 2011

Madison, Alabama

 

I cannot remember a time when I did not dream of being a mother.

In December 2010 my husband and I decided to start our family. I went to the OB in February and had a prenatal checkup before we started actively trying. Everything came back perfect and we were given the green light to start our family. On Mother’s Day 2011 I got my first positive pregnancy test. It was very faint but it was a positive. I was cautiously excited. It was a Sunday and both of my best friends got positive pregnancy tests that same day. I tried so hard to be excited but I didn’t feel well. I was having some spotting, but everyone kept telling me it was normal. Unfortunately, two days later I started bleeding. My doctor saw me that day and did some lab work. He confirmed a chemical pregnancy. My heart hurt, I was so ready to be a mom.

I struggled with feelings of jealousy over the following weeks as I watched my friends progress through their pregnancies. We continued to try for our baby. At the beginning of September I was frustrated. I felt like it was not happening fast enough and I was getting so stressed out with trying to get pregnant. I told my husband I wanted to take a break from trying, and that is what we did. But, apparently we didn’t take enough of a break because my cycle was late in October. In complete denial, I took a pregnancy test on October 9, 2011. The test was positive before I even got a chance to set it down. I ran out of the bathroom in utter disbelief. I just kept saying, “I’m pregnant! OMG! I’m pregnant!” It was the greatest day of my life.

I called my doctor the next day to make an appointment. I wanted to get in ASAP and make sure that everything was okay. The day of our appointment came and I was so nervous. They called me back to ultrasound first and I remember thinking that they left us in there forever.  The technician came in and started the ultrasound. She was able to locate a gestational sac that measured 5 weeks 0 days. There was no sign of a baby or yolk sac. She quickly reassured me that it was okay, it was very early to see anything other than the sac. However, what she did see that concerned her was a 10cm cyst on my left ovary. After my ultrasound I was sent to see the doctor, who ordered labs and sent us on our way, letting us know that everything was probably fine with the baby, and that we would just have to wait a week and try again.

Due to the fact that the cyst on my ovary was so large, they were going to monitor my pregnancy very closely. What this meant for me was weekly ultrasounds. The next appointment I waited anxiously to go back to ultrasound. Would we get to see our baby? When the ultrasound tech turned that screen towards me and pointed to my tiny, tiny baby and its tiny, tiny heartbeat, I immediately began crying. I was measuring 5 weeks 6 days and everything looked good with our baby. The next ultrasound was at 6 weeks 4 days and the transformation that our tiny baby made in such a short time just blew our mind. Its little heart was beating away, though we still couldn’t hear it. The cyst on my ovary was still the same, but the doctor was not concerned unless complications arose. On November 2nd we went in for our fourth ultrasound. The tech turned the volume up and we could hear the amazing sound of our precious baby’s heart beating away at 168bpm. It was so strong and steady. I was 7 weeks 6 days at this point and everything looked perfect. The cyst was even measuring slightly smaller. We left that appointment so happy and excited. I just had to share our news. We shared our wonderful news with all of our friends and family. Since everything looked so great the doctor scheduled our next appointment for four weeks later.

The next two weeks were pretty unremarkable. The week before Thanksgiving I got a stomach virus, which was cruel because my nausea was already so terrible. I was exhausted all the time. The day before Thanksgiving I woke up with a lot of pain in my left side. I tried to ignore it most of the day but by 10:30 I couldn’t take it anymore. I called my OB, but the doctor and ultrasound tech were already off for the holiday and there wasn’t anyone there to see me. The nurse said she thought my cyst may be rupturing, which would not be too dangerous for my baby but she suggested I go to the ER. I called my mother to take me to the ER. We got there and they started an IV and did some labs. They came and took me back to ultrasound and that is when things went wrong. The pain of the transvaginal ultrasound was unbearable. I could barely keep my eyes open. I literally felt like I was going to pass out. I asked the tech if everything was okay, and she would not give me any answers. She just kept saying, “A radiologist will have to look at this first; I’m not allowed to say anything.” I saw her reach and turn the volume on and immediately off again, and the panic set in. It was about an hour later when the doctor came in and told me the bad news. “The cyst looks fine, but it doesn’t look good for your baby. They couldn’t find a heartbeat.” My mind began racing so fast. How could this be? What am I going to tell my husband? What did I do wrong? We decided to do a D & C and have the cyst removed from my ovary laparoscopically. Unfortunately, during surgery my doctor found it necessary to remove my left ovary as well.

We opted to have chromosomal testing done on our baby. The doctors informed us a few weeks later that our precious baby had Trisomy 21, or Down’s syndrome. He said that some babies with Down’s syndrome are just too sick to make it. We also found out that our baby was a little girl. We decided to name her Eliza Rainn.

The weeks following my miscarriage have been a blur. The first week was utter hell. My wonderful husband stood strong by my side. I had no motivation to do anything. I was recovering from surgery, my heart was broken, and my brain was so clouded. I have my good days now. I still have days when I don’t want to get out of bed and all I want to do is cry. I miss Eliza every single day. We are going to continue our journey to have our little family. No child will ever replace Eliza, but they will be wonderful blessings in our life. Maybe one day, when they are old enough to understand, we will tell them about Eliza.

Magen blogs at http://www.angelbabysmith.blogspot.com.

You can reach her at magensmith@ymail.com.

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