Mom to Caydence
Born asleep November 10, 2011
I am one of those women who people say were born to be a mother, and, for as long as I can remember, I have wanted to have children. When I met my husband nine years ago, I knew that he was the man I would marry and have children with. We are truly soul mates and I am so grateful that we found each other. When we talked about having children, we never could have imagined that our baby would be born an angel.
At the beginning of 2011 we finally started to seriously talk about having a baby and decided to go for it. I stopped taking birth control and started to track my cycle, but it was so irregular. Every month I was at least 10 days late, so every month we would get excited thinking that I was pregnant, just to have our hopes crushed. We finally decided to quit paying so much attention to the calendar and if it happened it happened. I was pregnant the next month. I waited until I was exactly two weeks late to take the test, but I think that in the back of my mind I knew. I went and got a test when I got off work and took it as soon as I got home. When I saw those two pink lines, I started shaking I was so excited. I ran to the kitchen and showed Danny and we both couldn’t stop smiling. Excited does not even come close to how I felt. I was finally pregnant and going to have the baby that I had been dreaming about. Little did I know that my dreams would be crushed four months later.
I had a perfectly normal pregnancy. All of my blood work was normal. I didn’t have high blood pressure or diabetes. I took excellent care of myself. I took my vitamins every day, exercised, and ate healthy. I did everything I was supposed to. We found out it was a girl when I was 20 weeks along on October 19th. Everybody in my family was especially excited that it was a girl because my family has nothing but boys. My brother has a son and all of my cousins have boys. We were finally having a girl and she was already spoiled rotten. She had an entire wardrobe of the cutest clothes and dresses within a week.
On November 9, 2011 I went in for my regular monthly appointment. I was 23 weeks along. The nurse couldn’t find her heart beat on the Doppler, but I wasn’t too worried about it because it had happened once before. They sent me down the hall to get an ultrasound just to make sure everything was okay. I knew when the tech left the room to get the doctor that it wasn’t good. When they came back in she turned the screen away from me and the doctor told me that she didn’t have a heartbeat. “The baby doesn’t have a heartbeat,” were his exact words. We would later find out that she died from a clot in the cord. Danny and I started crying immediately. I wanted my own heart to stop beating right there in that office. He did something at the office to start labor and sent me home. I had to wait six long hours before I could go to the hospital. Six hours is a LONG time to sit at home and think about what was happening. I got to the hospital at 6pm that night. I got my first dose of Pitocin around 9. I got the epidural around 11pm. There is no way that I could have mentally handled a natural labor knowing that my baby was already gone. I got another dose of Pitocin around 5am, and almost 4 hours later I delivered my daughter. Caydence was born on November 10, 2011 at 8:39am. She was 8 inches long and weighed 6.2 ounces. The nurse and the surgical tech said a prayer with us after she was born. About 20 minutes after I delivered her they brought her back in. She was wrapped in a blanket. She looked perfect to me. She looked just like a baby; just a smaller version of one. I thought she looked like her daddy. Her second toe was longer than her big toe and she had some pretty big feet; just like her mommy. We got to hold her and spend as much time with her as we wanted. I would have stayed in that room with her forever if they would have let me. She was a perfect, beautiful angel. The hospital gave me a scrap book with her hand and foot prints in it and a box with a hand sewn white and pink dress with an angel on it, a crocheted pink blanket and our hospital bracelets in it. I will never understand why they kept me on the maternity floor at the hospital. When they moved me from labor and delivery to a different room on the other side I was right next to the nursery and there was a baby crying in the room across the hall from me all day long. It was killing me. Every time a baby was born they played a lullaby on the speakers and I heard it every single time. I hope they played it when my daughter was born. I stayed in the hospital one more night. The next day I went straight from the hospital to the funeral home to make arrangements. I don’t remember too much except for seeing the tiny white casket and having a break down in the funeral home. We took care of everything that day. After we were done at the funeral home we went next door and picked out the headstone.
Caydence was laid to rest on November 12, 2011. We had a small graveside service for her. When we first got there I lost it as soon as I saw her tiny casket with those tiny flower arrangements on it. The pastor from a local church spoke and a guitarist played and sang “Jesus Loves Me”. I did a pretty good job of keeping it together until he sang that song. I just buried my head in Danny’s chest and closed my eyes and cried uncontrollably. At the end we released balloons. Everything was beautiful. I felt a little closure after it, but not much.
It has been almost 2 months since I lost my daughter. This has been the hardest two months of my life. Some days it feels like it just happened yesterday and some days it feels like it was years ago. I have accepted the fact that I will never be the woman that I was before. There is a hole in my heart that will never be filled and a piece of my soul missing that I can never get back. A part of me died when my daughter died. Some days I feel like I am doing good and then I will see something on TV or somebody will say something and I’m back to square one. I feel so empty and heartbroken all of the time. I have never been angry with God for taking my daughter but I find myself asking Him why every single day. Why did he take MY baby? Women who don’t want children and beat their kids have babies every single day and my baby died. Drug addicts have babies every single day. Why did my baby have to die? A friend told me that my baby was just too perfect for earth and that’s why she had to go to Heaven. It helps a little, but not much. Caydence fills my thoughts every second of every day. I still can’t see a baby in public and not cry. I ache for a baby with every fiber of my being and we want to eventually try to conceive again, but part of me is so scared. I can’t imagine going through this twice, and I am so very sorry for anybody who has.
I am trying my best to get back to “normal.” Some days are good and some days are bad. I try to do as many things as possible to honor my angel. I am not afraid to die anymore like I used to be. The only thing that gives me any comfort is knowing that my angel daughter is in Heaven with Jesus and all of our loved ones, and she will be the first one waiting for me when I make it to the other side. All I can do in this life is be the best person that I can be so I can get there and see her again one day.
You can contact Laura at firstname.lastname@example.org.