Mom to Lorelei
Born sleeping November 5, 2011 at 10:08 p.m.
I am really not sure where to begin…but I will start by saying that my life and those of my husband and our families has been changed forever.
On March 5th, 2011 I took a home pregnancy test, and was very happy with the results. POSITIVE!!! We were going to have our fourth child and at that very moment I knew in my heart I would be blessed with another daughter. We had two very happy big brothers, ages 8 and 4, and a sister who although young, almost 2, knew very much that mommy and daddy were having a baby. We were so happy!!! I have known my husband since I was a little girl. We grew up as neighbors and married in 2005. Life was great. Small bumps here and there, but we were in love, happy, and expanding our family. We always wanted four children, so to find out I was expecting was great news. It wasn’t easy for us to conceive; I wasn’t one to get pregnant fast. It was 20 months we tried for our little one and now here we found ourselves in the next chapter.
My pregnancy was considered high-risk but only because I had had three previous c-sections. At my first doctor appointment we got our due date, November 14, 2011, which was followed with the usual scheduling of a c- section for the week before. November 7th it was. From that moment, on we planned for that date. My pregnancy went smoothly. I had my usual weight gain, my blood pressure was always good, I had some swelling but nothing to cause concern. This was the only pregnancy for which I would have to be pregnant during summer, and yes I complained about the heat everyday…usually with “I’ve never been pregnant in summer, it’s so much harder,” and “I’m happy, hot and big” as my responses to “How are you doing?” This was also the only pregnancy that we decided to keep the sex of our baby a surprise, but I always knew in my heart that I was having a girl.
So, there we were with summer winding down and this pregnancy coming to an end. The months went by and we just waited for baby to come. At night when our other children would be sleeping was when my husband and I could relax together and feel the baby move. Since we planned on having four children, I knew this would be the last time I could enjoy the wonderful feeling of our baby moving. We’d sit together feeling and watching my stomach move and wiggle around. It was my absolute favorite thing, that and to see our children’s faces light up with excitement to feel their sibling give a little kick, which always made them laugh with surprise and giddiness. Needless to say she was an active baby.
On the night of Oct. 27th, I had some spotting. I was alarmed. This had never happened so late in any of my pregnancies. So, we went to the hospital. I was put on the monitors and checked. After several hours I was discharged with no special care instructions only with, “Sometimes it happens, you’re ok, baby looks good, so we’ll see you on the 7th”. It was the 28th, and we were now just 10 short days away. Well, we didn’t get to the 7th.
On November 5th I noticed my sweet baby was not moving. I wanted to fight it, to believe that nothing like this could or would EVER happen to me, to us, to OUR BABY. Once we got into the car to go to the hospital, I was sobbing uncontrollably. My husband tried to comfort me, but I knew, just knew in my heart something was horribly wrong. When we got to the hospital everything happened so fast. First, no heartbeat with the Doppler, only to be confirmed with an ultrasound.
On November 5, 2011 at 10:08pm our sweet baby girl, Lorelei, was born sleeping. She was beautiful and perfect, so tiny so sweet, at 6lbs 7oz, 19 inches long with dark hair and a dimpled chin. She was everything I had dreamed of. She looked just like me, just like I had told my husband she would. What they discovered was her umbilical cord had become twisted, stealing her sweet life from her. We were absolutely devastated – actually, I truly believe that word does not describe it, nothing can. I can only say that my soul aches, my heart is broken. I would have given my life for her just as I would for my other children. I screamed for hours, “Not our baby!” I begged and pleaded for her life back.
Many emotions continue to run through my husband and I…I am submitting this on December 24, 2011, Christmas Eve. It has been 7 weeks tonight since our beautiful Lorelei was born. Our lives should be so different, not like this. It is so unfair. I struggle every day to find peace, to accept that I did nothing wrong. My entire pregnancy I thought I would have the baby early. In fact, I expressed it to more than one person. I thought maybe this once I would actually go into labor. But I never imagined we would not get to bring home our beautiful girl. We miss her so much. I miss her so much.
I am writing this so other mothers know…YOU ARE NOT ALONE…we are out here…I am out here. I pray for myself, I pray for you. I don’t have to meet you to know your sorrows…we may not feel the exact same…but we are now united through our losses. My name is Cristina I have 4 children, 3 with feet and 1 with wings. I love my daughter Lorelei just as much as I love my living children. My daughter might have been stillborn, but she was still born…may we all someday, somehow find peace…
You can contact Cristina at firstname.lastname@example.org.