Mom to two angels
July 4, 2007 at 8 weeks
October 17, 2011 at 7 weeks
Wayne, West Virgina
My amazing husband and I got married on March 17, 2007. We knew we wanted to expand our family right away. We put it in God’s hands and didn’t really worry too much. Three months into our marriage we get the best news: we’re expecting already. I never would have dreamed that it would have happened that quickly. I made my appointment to confirm the home pregnancy test, and of course it was also positive. I was 6 weeks! My first nurse appointment was made for 3 weeks later.
I went about my days as normal just being extra careful. Things were going perfect… until the morning of July 4. I woke up with some very light bleeding. Of course I went into panic, I called my mom and was telling her about it and she just kept telling me to calm down it was nothing to be that excited over. It was probably just some bleeding from implantation or something like that. Everything would be fine. I was still nervous but I thought she was probably right, I figured I would go through the day and if the bleeding got worse or I started feeling sick I would go to the doctor. We had plans that evening to go to watch fireworks, I hadn’t been bleeding anymore throughout the day and didn’t feel sick at all so I was pretty sure my mom was right, things were fine. Nothing to worry about. We went to the firework show, found us a place to sit, and enjoyed. It was the perfect moment. Our first 4th of July as husband and wife, and a baby on the way. Life was pretty good!
We had been sitting about 30 minutes when things went from perfect to terrifying. It happened that quickly. I felt weak all of a sudden and could feel something wet running down my leg. I looked at my husband and told him we have to go…now! We drove home so I could change and check to see what was going on. When I got out of our car I saw the blood. I couldn’t believe this was happening. We went inside I changed and had Brandon (my husband) call the ER. They told him to bring me in immediately. When we got to the hospital, they took me straight back. They did a pelvic exam, took some blood, and ordered an ultrasound. I was beyond scared. I knew what was happening. I just wanted to run away. I was taken down to get the ultrasound. I remember the whole time laying there starring at the screen praying to God with all I had in me to let my baby be okay. The tech finished and I’ll never forget the way she just looked at me. She didn’t have to say a word. My heart broke in to a billion pieces. I was taken back upstairs where I had to fill out my discharge papers so I could be released.
I couldn’t believe God did this to me, to us! How could He take our baby knowing how much he/she meant to us already? It didn’t make sense, how could these low life whores who didn’t want to be mothers get pregnant over and over again? These women who just end up killing their babies or selling them for drug money, why could they get pregnant and have their babies even though they were drugged out or whatever, and could care less what happened and I couldn’t have mine? I did everything perfect, I was careful, but my baby was taken from me at 8 weeks. It wasn’t fair.
After a few weeks went by I decided I couldn’t just give up hope. We wanted a baby, and we were going to try again. One month turned into 2, 2 into 3, before we knew it 6 months had gone by and still no positives. I have always had irregular cycles and they have always been severely painful but I had never really put any thought into there being something wrong. I had just thought that was my normal. But I was starting to question that. We kept trying and still nothing. Almost a year had passed and I had definitely came to the conclusion something was wrong with me. There had to be. I went to my doctor and told them we had been trying for a year after our miscarriage and we weren’t having luck. I asked if there was anything that I could do to help and explained the way my cycles were. He decided start me on Provera to regulate me and Clomid to help me ovulate. I did that for that month and I wasn’t sure which it was but one of the pills had made me sick, so I decided if I didn’t get pregnant that month with the help of the drugs, I would just continue to try on my own. So, again I took another test and still negative. A few months went by and then I decided I would give the Clomid another chance. It didn’t make me sick, but it was still a no. I was starting to feel hopeless again so I went back to the doctor and told him something needed to be done. He scheduled an ultrasound for the following month. He told me he wanted to have the Clomid in my system and wanted to check my eggs. The ultrasound showed that my eggs were not forming properly, they were extremely small in size, and I had cysts. After that I kind of gave up hope. Now that I knew something was wrong inside of me, I felt like it was pointless of trying anymore. I was hurting more each time I got a negative and it was starting to affect my marriage.
We never started using any protection to prevent anything but we weren’t exactly trying either. I kept telling everyone, including Brandon, I didn’t want to try anymore. I was happy just me and him if that’s what God wanted. It was just words though. I knew deep down I was never going to give up. It still consumed my every thought. I just kept telling everyone I gave up thinking I would start to believe it, since everyone always said as soon as you don’t think about it, it will happen. Well, that didn’t work, either. Another year had passed and still no baby. I finally admitted to my husband I never wanted to give up, that I wanted a baby more than anything and I hoped he felt the same way. I was very happy to learn he felt the same way and was relieved I had changed my mind. We decided to give the Clomid another try after 6 months of no luck, and again, it didn’t help, either. The next few months we just kept trying without the help of medicines and just prayed God would give us another shot at being parents.
Almost 3 years had passed now, time for the next step. I found an RE who I was told really knew what he was doing. I figured I would give it a try, not like it could hurt. I called to schedule my appointment with him, 4 months was the earliest time they had. What other option did I have? We just kept trying on our own while we waited. I went in for my consultation and knew he was the doctor I needed. We talked about the could bes and what ifs and he set me up to come back to do some tests. First we found out I had PCOS(Polcystic Ovarian Syndrome). He wanted us to try the Provera and the Clomid one more time before we went any further. So, we did, without any success. Next, we did some more lab work. We learned I was insulin resistant. I was put on Avandia and Metformin. He was pretty certain this was what would help me. We just needed patience. I had a horrible reaction to the meds and just quit again. Everything was becoming overwhelming. I needed a break, a few months to breathe.
I went back to the doctor again and explained what happened. He lowered my dosage of each medicine and combined it with the Clomid. No horrible reaction to the medicine this time so I was feeling pretty good about it. After 2 months of being on the meds I started feeling different. I had the symptoms of pregnancy and decided to test. I didn’t get my hopes up since I had gotten use to the feeling of being pregnant even though I wasn’t just because I wanted it so bad. It wouldn’t be the first time my body played a trick on me.
On Oct. 10, 2011 I was standing at my bathroom sink holding a home pregnancy test for the millionth time. I couldn’t just sit it down and walk away but I couldn’t really look at it either. I was nauseous, occasionally looking down watching the screen change. Three minutes felt like a lifetime.
I think I almost collapsed when I saw it: 2 beautiful pink lines. Was this for real? Did I want to be pregnant so badly that my mind would make me believe I was seeing something that wasn’t really there? I sat down and just stared at the test with tears running down my face like I had so many times before. But this time it was tears of happiness. We were finally having a baby. I took another home test just to be sure, it was a positive also. I went in for a blood pregnancy test. I had to wait 2 hours then call back to get my results. 2 hours!! Are you kidding me, 3 minutes felt like a lifetime, I was going to go crazy in 2 hours. Luckily I had my best friend with me to keep me busy. Finally, 2 hours went by, time to call. I could barely hold the phone, I was shaking uncontrollably! I felt like I was going to be sick. A thousand thoughts were racing through my head while the phone rang. Someone answered and I told them why I was calling, gave them my reference number and she put me on hold. I couldn’t stand it anymore. What if the home test were wrong? I would die after going through all of this. It seemed like I waited another 2 hours before she came back. “Congratulations Mommy, it’s a yes!” I looked over to my friend who had heard the lady on the phone. She had tears in her eyes which confirmed what I had just heard. I couldn’t believe it. After 4 1/2 years of Hell I was finally pregnant. I was going to be a mommy. I couldn’t wait until my husband was off work to tell him. I called him and spilled the beans. I wanted to be creative in telling him but after this long I couldn’t stand him not knowing a second longer. Our prayers were answered! We were having a baby!
I had my first nurse appointment 2 days later. I had been having a little bit of dark brown spotting since about a week before I took the HPT. I was scared after I found out I was pregnant that it was something horrible. My nurse told me it was nothing to be worried with, everything was fine. Dark brown spotting was normal in early pregnancy. Only be concerned if the color or amount changes, or if you start cramping. That eased some of my fears but of course with everything I had already been through I was still terrified. All the what ifs were in my head. I couldn’t bear to go through another loss.
I woke up the morning of Oct. 17 feeling amazing. My life was great, I felt great, and my marriage was the best it had been in years without the stress of TTC. I was cleaning my house up a bit and had a few sharp pains go through my left side. I sat down and started feeling sick. I went to the bathroom and my dark brown spotting and turned more to a bright red flow. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t breathe. There was no way this was happening again! I called my husband who was working and told him what was going on, and to meet me at the hospital. I went to the ER first, I was told it was going to be a long wait so I called my nurse and told her what was going on she told me to just go to the labor and delivery triage.
After I was put in my room, they came in and did a pelvic exam. She said everything looked fine. My cervix was still closed and the blood was still just a dark brown, but they wanted to do an ultrasound and some labs to make sure. I went for the ultrasound. This was all too familiar. I laid there starring at a screen praying the same prayer I had prayed years ago: “Lord please let my baby be okay. I can’t do this again God. Please don’t take my baby away.” The tech looked at me with the same look I had seen before. I didn’t want to listen. I couldn’t fight back the tears. She told me she couldn’t find my baby. She tried to make me feel better by telling me maybe it was still too early and we had been wrong about how far along I was but I knew that wasn’t it. My baby was gone at 7 weeks.
I was taken back to my room, where I had some blood taken to check my levels and then a doctor came in. She told me something was seen in my left tube. They were not sure, but it could be an ectopic pregnancy or it could just be a cyst. They told me they would keep a check on my quant levels to make sure my body was “cleansing” itself properly. I was scheduled an ultrasound for the next day and more labs. At this ultrasound they saw the same thing in my left tube, and they also saw a sack of fluid behind my uterus. But it was clear this pregnancy was ending.
I had my appointment with my regular doctor to go over what was going on. He told me the fluid behind my uterus was nothing to worry about. My levels were dropping, so this was a “dying pregnancy” and he still wasn’t sure if it was just a normal miscarriage or ectopic. There was no way to be certain.
It’s been 2 months since our 2nd baby was taken away. I still want to believe everything is fine and in June I will get to meet my precious gift. But I know that’s not going to happen. I don’t feel as angry with this loss as I did my first. I know God has a plan, and as much as it hurts to have gone through all this, I know there is a reason. I know God will bless us with a child when the time is right and we just have to wait upon Him. His timing is always perfect.
We plan to start trying as soon as my body decides to get back to normal. And, like always, all I can do is pray for a healthy pregnancy next time and try not to worry.
But for now, I know I am the mommy to 2 very special Angels who I will get to see someday. And even though I didn’t get the chance to hold them in my arms, I love them as if I had! They will forever hold a spot in my heart!
You can contact Andrea at firstname.lastname@example.org.