Mom to Leela Mary, a twin
Born and died January 19, 2011
(Her due date was May 4, 2011)
It was a very important day; I was 19 weeks pregnant, and on our way to find out if we were having a boy or girl. I knew that there was a little girl in there, but what I didn’t know, or even could imagine, was that there were two of them! Picture my hands on my face, and dad’s head to the wall, and big brother’s jaw on the floor. ”Its twins!” they said. Boy or girl, we didn’t know, “They’re lying on top of each other,” is what the lady said.
For as long as I can remember, I have always wanted a boy, and then a little girl. I never thought in a million years that I would have two little girls. At 22 weeks and 1 day, identical twin girls were revealed! Every one that I told said, “Jennie, you wanted a girl so bad that God gave you two of them!”
Shortly after falling in love with my big belly, our daughters soon arrived. At just 25 weeks they decided it was time…16 weeks to soon! On the morning of Jan. 18th, 2011, I woke up with light cramping and little blood in my urine, but that had been happening for a few weeks now. I went to the doctor a few times, telling them that I had blood in my urine. They had told me that it was ok, that I had a lot of pressure on my bladder and not to worry. So, on the 18th I just stayed in bed all day and slept. Around 5 pm the cramping got worse, so hubby told me to call the Labor and Delivery and tell them what was going on. They told me to come in just to be safe.
We got to the hospital at about 7pm and went straight to the triage at Labor and Delivery. They strapped me all in and tried to get the babies’ heart beats, but they told me that it was hard for them to do that, due to my size. (I am a bigger woman.) They started an IV and said that I wasn’t in labor, I was just dehydrated. So, they made me stay there for 3 hours getting fluids. As I’m lying there my cramping was getting worse and was coming more often, but their monitor was telling them that I was not in labor so at that point they were still telling that I was not!
My blood work came back, and I had an increase in my white blood cell count, so they took my temp and I had a small fever of 100.3! My OB came in and asked me some questions. I told him that I had cramps in my lower belly and in my lower back and that I still had blood in my urine. He then told the nurse to check me to see if I was dilated and to give me a test that will tell them if I am at risk for preterm labor. Not fun!!
So, they told me to stay for a 24-hour observation. It was now 2 in the morning when I got to my room and I was in soooo much pain from the cramps. I started telling the nurse that she needed to check me again, because I was in labor. She would just tell me that the pain was from the infection. They started to antibiotics and my husband told them that I needed something for my pain. She said, “Well, I will need to call your doctor!” She came back after 25 minutes and 3 calls from my hubby to give me some morphine. By this time I was in extreme pain and was having a hard time breathing. I told my hubby to take our 11-yr old son, who was asleep on the cold floor, home. It was about 3 am.
The pain was getting worse and the morphine was not working at all. The nurse came back in to give me more morphine. I was still strapped up to that dang belt, you know the one, LOL! I started asking the nurse again to please check the paper from the monitor to see if the cramping was showing up as contractions. She looked and told me that there was nothing and to stop worrying, because I was not in labor, and to try and get some rest. She walked out, and I lay there screaming in pain and was trying not to think about it.
I soon got up to go the bathroom, and just moving made the pain and cramping worse. I sat to pee and was in even more pain. I called the nurse, and when she came in and I told her to look in the toilet. There were little white and bloody things in the water, and when I wiped it was slimy and gross.
The nurse then told me that I was in pain because I was passing a kidney stone and that’s why am cramping so bad. But I knew that I was in labor and that this was not a kidney stone. I called my hubby at 5am screaming in pain and telling him the pain meds had not worked and that they were still telling me that I was not in labor and that I was passing a stone.
At 7 am on the 19th, I was back on the toilet and the nurse came in, telling me that the test I took the night before, the one that tells if you are at risk for preterm labor, came back positive, meaning that within 14days of that test I could go into labor!!! So, she called the high risk pregnancy doc from the ROC here in FL. (That’s where you have to go for any ultrasounds when you’re having twins. I was there on the 13th and things looked great.)
The ROC doctor got there and asked me to tell him what I AM FEELING! I tried to tell him what was going on and how my cramps felt, but I had to stop many times due to pain. The pain at this point was so bad I couldn’t even talk. He then told me that I am in fact in labor and that I have been all night!! “Wow,” I thought, “I’ve been telling the nurses that all night.” He then checked me and found out that within the night I had dilated to a 2 and had a bulging bag of water with a umbilical cord behind. The nurses got on the phone to my OB and they all started running all around. They tried to give me magnesium to stop the labor and some steroids to help the babies’ lungs. Oh, and the hospital that I was at does not have the right NICU for my 24-week babies, so now they are trying to get my labor to a point where I could be transferred to Shands in Jax. Needless to say, that never happened. They rushed me in to surgery and put me to sleep!
At 12:05 pm on January 19th, 2011 our angel, Leela Mary, was born. Her best friend and cuddle partner for many weeks, and our miracle, came right after, little Mary Anastasia. Both weighed less than 2 pounds and were only a foot long….so tiny and not so strong. This would be the happiest day and yet the worst day of our lives!
Daddy sat in the NICU, with Leela on one side and Mary on the other. I was still trying to wake up from the anesthesia and was wheeled to recovery. I sat and waited. Big brother and grandparents sat in waiting room, scared and nervous.
Doctors and nurses ran back and forth from one room to the other, trying to save our tiny daughters’ lives, but our sweet little Leela was slipping away. At 13:20 pm, she had a different plan. I believe that she left her tiny; see-though body to go by her sister’s side, to snuggle one more time. To whisper in her ear, “It’s time for me to go, I have done what I was sent to do. Be strong, sis, our family needs you! I am your angel now and I will be by you side always, so go fight and fight hard!” That’s just what our Miracle Mary did! “She’s a feisty one,” they all would say!
I have said from day one that Leela was the driver and our little Mary was the passenger. Leela needed to make sure that Mary got here safe and sound! You see, Mary just didn’t want to come alone!
They placed Leela in my arms; even though I never saw my daughter breathing, I could see that she did something very special and very important. She somehow told me that everything was going to be ok! I gave her back to the nurse so she could get her pictures taken. Soon after, a respiratory nurse walked in with Mary, and her name was ANGEL! Mary was in a travel incubator, wrapped in plastic wrap. I touched her tiny big toe. ”It’s time to go,” they said.
Thank you so much, my sweet angel, for taking such good care of your twin sis! Mommy and daddy love you so much!
This is one of the hardest things I will ever have to write! When reading, remember, I’m not a writer, I’m a mommy who had to say goodbye!
I love you, angel!
‘The loss of a child is a life shattering experience. Little can prepare you for the emotional trauma suffered in such circumstances or for the physical and mental pain of adjustment in the aftermath.‘Letting go’ after death is often the most challenging situation you will ever face.”
Jennie blogs at http://sweetangel.deome.net.
You can contact her at firstname.lastname@example.org.